Hi Ramesh and thanks for this essay
Make every sentence specific and related to the topic. This sentence could be used in a million essays:
I am strongly against this concept and the reasons are outlined in the paragraphs that follow.
The last phrase does not add to your essay. It does not help the reader in any way.
The reader also has to go back and work out what you mean by ‘this concept.’ Keep your writing going forward and make pronoun reference clear. Here’s one possible rewrite:
I am strongly against quotas for male and female enrolment because they are unfair for students and are not good for the country.
Word Choice/Word Form/Usage
- now days → nowadays (This was corrected in another essay of yours. Please make sure to eliminate errors people find!
- At last → finally
- nursing and architecture are chosen by many girls where as mechanical engineering is least preferred by girls. → whereas
- reservation of seats will be effective if implemented on primary and secondary level of education → reserving places will be effective if implemented at primary and secondary level.
- Educationalists, now days, are rising the voice of gender equality in education systems. (13 words) → Educationalists are raising the issue of gender equality in education.
Let’s improve this further by removing the uncomfortable use of 'educationalists' and 'education' in the same sentence.
Gender equality is an important issue in education. (8 words)
- So there is a thinking that universities should admit
Don’t start sentences with ‘And,’ ‘So,’ ‘Because,’ or ‘For.’ Here’s one possible rewrite:
Some people have argued that universities should admit equal numbers of male and female students in all subjects
You need to check your writing for article and plural errors. Don’t let such simple mistakes lower your score.
- universities should admit equal number of male and female students → universities should admit an equal number of male and female students OR universities should admit equal numbers of male and female students
- it prevents qualified and interested one to get the opportunity. → it prevents qualified and interested students from getting opportunities. OR it prevents a qualified and interested student from getting an opportunity.
- there will be the competition → there will be competition
- If the segmentation is not the case → If segmentation does not occur
- Girls will compete for seat reserved for female and boy work hard to be top among the boys → Girls will compete for seats reserved for females and boys will work hard to be top among the boys.
- there will be less competitive environment in academic circle → there will be a less competitive environment in academic circles OR academic circles will be less competitive.
- The interest they possess makes them choose specific degree → The interest they possess makes them choose a specific degree OR The interest they possess makes them choose specific degrees
- If the university starts accepting equal number of male and female students → If the university starts accepting an equal number of male and female students OR If the university starts accepting equal numbers of male and female students
the initiation of equal opportunity for both gender sounds nice on the light that female are lacking opportunities compared to male counterparts
Let’s fix the article and plural errors
the initiation of equal opportunity for both genders sounds nice on the light that females are lacking opportunities compared to their male counterparts
Now let’s simplify it and remove the repetition of opportunity
Having equal numbers of both genders sounds reasonable if female students are lacking opportunities compared to their male counterparts
Having equal numbers of both genders seems reasonable as a way to encourage female participation
Here’s one possible rewrite of your introduction:
Gender equality has become an important issue in education, and some people have argued that universities should admit equal numbers of male and female students. However, I believe that quotas based on gender are unfair to students and are not good for the country.
If the segmentation is not the case, there will be the competition among all the students.
I don’t understand this sentence. Can you add some more information for us?
Punctuation: Avoid Unnecessary Commas
Educationalists, now days, are rising the voice of gender equality
This may lead the student to choose another subject which, in turn, may not be as productive.
Too many commas can make your writing choppy. Simplify your phrasing by leaving them out.
Educationalists are rising the voice of gender equality (see the rewrite of this sentence, above)
This may lead the student to choose another less productive subject.
Overall, I would agree with Brian when he says to try to express yourself more simply.
Check and double-check for article errors. Avoid using commas. Try to avoid empty or formulaic phrases and instead try to be original. Keep sentences short - your average is 17.5, which is too long. Add more short sentences.
The argument in your second paragraph is the very reason why some people want to implement quotas. Why are there not more women engineers? Why do so few men go into architecture? Is this imbalance healthy for those professions?
One way to argue for your ideas is to agree with some of the opposing ideas, and then to counterattack. For example, you can acknowledge there is some merit/benefit/advantage to one of your opponent's ideas, but then counter-argue with a stronger disadvantage.
Avoid adding new ideas in the conclusion. Why would equal numbers of places for boys and girls be effective be in primary schools? In India, where boys aged 0-6 outnumber girls by almost 10%, this would mean that there would not be enough places in primary school for boys (but it might help boost female enrolment in primary school). If you add new ideas in the conclusion, they will usually be unsupported.
Take more time to look at ideas in depth, and push yourself to see how they can be developed and expressed in detail.