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Should universities admit equal numbers of male and female students?
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June 28, 2012
11:05 am
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Universities should accept equal number of male and female students in every subject. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Educationalists, now days, are rising the voice of gender equality in education systems. So there is a thinking that universities should admit equal number of male and female students in all of its subjects. I am strongly against this concept and the reasons are outlined in the paragraphs that follow.

Firstly, there are some degrees which are popular in gender specific groups. For example, in my country, nursing and architecture are chosen by many girls where as mechanical engineering is least preferred by girls. When we allocate quota for gender equality, there is big chance that qualified students from one gender do not get opportunity while less qualified gets the chance.

Secondly, people develop their interest before they enroll in university. The interest they possess makes them choose specific degree. If the university starts accepting equal number of male and female students, students with higher enthusiasm and aptitude toward the degree could be ignored. This may lead the student to choose another subject which, in turn, may not be as productive.

At last, there will be less competitive environment in academic circle because of segmented groups. Girls will compete for seat reserved for female and boy work hard to be top among the boys. This, in my opinion, will downgrade the quality of students because of the lack of competition. If the segmentation is not the case, there will be the competition among all the students.

In summary, the initiation of equal opportunity for both gender sounds nice on the light that female are lacking opportunities compared to male counterparts. In my opinion, reservation of seats will be effective if implemented on primary and secondary level of education. But gender equality in university level is not effective since it prevents qualified and interested one to get the opportunity.

June 28, 2012
2:04 pm
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Hi Ramesh,

Im afraid Im busy now then just focus on the inroduction:

Educationalists, now days, are rising the voice of gender equality in education systems. So there is a thinking that universities should admit equal number of male and female students in all of its subjects. I am strongly against this concept and the reasons are outlined in the paragraphs that follow.

 

***

Grammar tips:

Now days  ===> nowadays

are rising the voice  ===> ( When rise is a verb, it does not have an object. and When raise is a verb, it must have an object) are RAISING the voice

and all of its subjects ===> all of THEIR subjects

***

word choice:

there is a thinking ===> there is a thought

concept ===> idea/view

 I am strongly against this concept and the reasons are outlined in the paragraphs that follow.===> I am strongly against this view based on following reasons OR I completely disagree with this point of view because of following reasons Or Below are some arguments opposing this view.

 

***

I think you are quite well in covering and addressing all bullets ( TASK RESPONSE). At first glance , I have noticed that you consider addressing all points of what question asks. This is a strong point. But the problem reveals when you try to use complex language and complex sentences. Try to use what you are sure about them. For example, in the introduction you made some mistakes that the examiner will not consider them as a slippery mistakes. I think that Mr.Enda accepts that how well an error-free introduction is in an essay. And last but not least  try to put the clarity at the top priority. This makes your essay easy to follow and read.

Best regards,

July 2, 2012
4:19 pm
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Hi Ramesh and thanks for this essay

Specific

Make every sentence specific and related to the topic. This sentence could be used in a million essays:

I am strongly against this concept and the reasons are outlined in the paragraphs that follow.

The last phrase does not add to your essay. It does not help the reader in any way.

The reader also has to go back and work out what you mean by ‘this concept.’ Keep your writing going forward and make pronoun reference clear. Here’s one possible rewrite:

I am strongly against quotas for male and female enrolment because they are unfair for students and are not good for the country.

Word Choice/Word Form/Usage

  • now daysnowadays  (This was corrected in another essay of yours. Please make sure to eliminate errors people find!
  • At lastfinally 
     
  • nursing and architecture are chosen by many girls where as mechanical engineering is least preferred by girls. → whereas
       
  • reservation of seats will be effective if implemented on primary and secondary level of education → reserving places will be effective if implemented at primary and secondary level. 
     
  • Educationalists, now days, are rising the voice of gender equality in education systems. (13 words) → Educationalists are raising the issue of gender equality in education.

Let’s improve this further by removing the uncomfortable use of 'educationalists' and 'education' in  the same sentence.

Gender equality is an important issue in education. (8 words)

  • So there is a thinking that universities should admit

Don’t start sentences with ‘And,’ ‘So,’ ‘Because,’ or ‘For.’   Here’s one possible rewrite:

Some people have argued that universities should admit equal numbers of male and female students in all subjects

Articles/Plurals

You need to check your writing for article and plural errors.  Don’t let such simple mistakes lower your score.

  • universities should admit equal number of male and female students  → universities should admit an equal number of male and female students  OR   universities should admit equal numbers of male and female students
     
  • it prevents qualified and interested one to get the opportunity. → it prevents qualified and interested students from getting opportunities.    OR      it prevents a qualified and interested student from getting an opportunity. 
     
  • there will be the competition  → there will be competition
     
  • If the segmentation is not the case → If segmentation does not occur
     
  • Girls will compete for seat reserved for female and boy work hard to be top among the boys → Girls will compete for seats reserved for females and boys will work hard to be top among the boys.
     
  • there will be less competitive environment in academic circle → there will be a less competitive environment in academic circles    OR   academic circles will be less competitive.
     
  • The interest they possess makes them choose specific degree  → The interest they possess makes them choose a specific degree   OR   The interest they possess makes them choose specific degrees
     
  • If the university starts accepting equal number of male and female students → If the university starts accepting an equal number of male and female students  OR   If the university starts accepting equal numbers of male and female students

You wrote:

the initiation of equal opportunity for both gender sounds nice on the light that female are lacking opportunities compared to male counterparts

Let’s fix the article and plural errors

the initiation of equal opportunity for both genders sounds nice on the light that females are lacking opportunities compared to their male counterparts

Now let’s simplify it and remove the repetition of opportunity

Having equal numbers of both genders sounds reasonable if female students are lacking opportunities compared to their male counterparts  

OR   

Having equal numbers of both genders seems reasonable as a  way to encourage female participation

Introduction: Rewrite

Here’s one possible rewrite of your introduction:

Gender equality has become an important issue in education, and some people have argued that universities should admit equal numbers of male and female students.  However, I believe that quotas based on gender are unfair to students and are not good for the country.

Clarify

You wrote:

If the segmentation is not the case, there will be the competition among all the students. 

I don’t understand this sentence. Can you add some more information for us?

Punctuation: Avoid Unnecessary Commas

You wrote:

Educationalists, now days, are rising the voice of gender equality

This may lead the student to choose another subject which, in turn, may not be as productive.

Too many commas can make your writing choppy. Simplify your phrasing by leaving them out.  

Educationalists are rising the voice of gender equality  (see the rewrite of this sentence, above)

This may lead the student to choose another less productive subject.

Overall

Overall, I would agree with Brian when he says to try to express yourself more simply.

Check and double-check for article errors. Avoid using commas. Try to avoid empty or formulaic phrases and instead try to be original. Keep sentences short -  your average is 17.5, which is too long. Add more short sentences.

The argument in your second paragraph is the very reason why some people want to implement quotas. Why are there not more women engineers? Why do so few men go into architecture? Is this imbalance healthy for those professions?

One way to argue for your ideas is to agree with some of the opposing ideas, and then to counterattack. For example, you can acknowledge there is some merit/benefit/advantage to one of your opponent's ideas, but then counter-argue with a stronger disadvantage.

Avoid adding new ideas in the conclusion. Why would equal numbers of places for boys and girls be effective be in primary schools?  In India, where boys aged 0-6 outnumber girls by almost 10%, this would mean that there would not be enough places in primary school for boys (but it might help boost female enrolment in primary school). If you add new ideas in the conclusion, they will usually be unsupported.

Take more time to look at ideas in depth, and push yourself to see how they can be developed and expressed in detail.

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