Hi Wint Thant
Thanks for this essay and welcome to Writefix!
Your essay is 306 words long, which is a little long. Aim for about 275 or 280 words.
More worryingly, your average sentence length is almost 20 words. You have a lot of setences of similar length and structure. Aim for variety!
I recommend having an average sentence length of between 12 and 15 words per sentence. Longer sentences tend to have more mistakes in punctuation, agreement and structure, as well as being more complicated for the reader. Aim for a mix of sentences - long (12-20 words) and short (4-10 words), with different structures (simple, complex and compound) and perhaps one or two questions.
Topic sentences can often be short:
- Advertising exists to sell products.
- We need to be skeptical of advertising.
- While ads are enjoyable, they can also be dangerous.
A few short sentences will bring down your average and provide variety.
You wrote a 26-word sentence:
- It is found that even though the quality of the product is practically good, it cannot make a big profit without the support of effective advertisement. (26 words)
Let’s remove as many passives as we can. Here are some possible rewrites:
Even if the quality of a product is good, it still will not sell well without effective advertising. (18 words) OR
Even high quality goods need advertising. (6 words)
Avoid vague or fuzzy words
Variety of products is arising every minute in this economic era and they are attracting consumers in different ways. (19 words)
‘Variety’needs an article (a/an/the).
As the variety of products increases, manufacturers compete to attract customers. (11 words)
- The aggressive ways of advertising companies can really persuade people to buy their things in a big deal
Try to avoid words like ‘way’ or ‘stuff’ or ‘and so on’ and ‘big deal’ – be specific!
Here are some possible rewrites:
Aggressive advertising can really persuade people to buy…
Aggressive advertising campaigns are very persuasive.
- In this essay, I am going to elaborate the supportive facts to advertisement, but there are still some other drawbacks of it.
What does ‘elaborate the supportive facts’ mean? It’ very vague and woolly. Why not specify? This is a very general sentence - almost a generic sentence, in fact.
In this essay, I am going to look at the power of advertising, and how consumers should respond to it.
Shorter, more relevant, and easier to get right.
Overall, your essay is organized clearly and there is a clear progression. Try to have some shorter sentences, and try to reduce the average length. Specify, give examples and avoid fuzziness and vague words. You are allowed - no, asked - to give specific examples from your own experience. Don't be afraid to use 'I' - it's an opinion essay.
I hope you can help other people here with there essays. A LOT of new people have signed up and I can't help all of them! Let's help each other to get a great IELTS score - even a few words or comments on a essay is really appreciated!