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Your essay is 229 words long, which would mean a penalty in IELTS. You have to write 250 words. There is no maximum number of words, but it's good to stop at about 350. Most people who write more make too many mistakes. It would be a shame in your case to lose marks because of being under-length.
Your average sentence length is 20 words. Adding some shorter sentences would help to reduce this figure. Long sentences are harder to read and more likely to have errors. In your case, there are no errors, but some short sentences would increase the impact of your essay. The ideal is to have a mix of short and long sentences.
Short sentences are often good as topic sentences (the first sentence in a paragraph), or in an introduction.
- Finding a job has become a real challenge. (8 words)
- Qualifications, however, are not enough. (5 words)
The ideal candidate will have both personal skills and good qualifications.
You have two ideas in Paragraph 2 and two in Paragraph 3. Possibly there are more, but the sentences are very dense. It might be better to separate some of these skills rather than to try to compress them into single sentences.
I recommend having three ideas in each paragraph. That would definitely help you to reach the goal of 250 words.
The grammar is excellent.
Overall, the essay is well written but with many long sentences. Aim for 250 words, have three ideas in each paragraph, and add some short sentences for their communicative effect.