I forgot to say welcome to Writefix! Thanks for this essay and for starting a great discussion, and thanks for your responses. It’s great to see people editing their own work!
Here are a few points about your essay. Basically, I'm going to echo ChrisLuke and Essays and say well-done on your vocabulary and structures, but I am also going to suggest that you really simplify as much as you can.
Don’t use ‘one’ if you can avoid it, and don’t use it at all if you are going to use ‘he’ in the same sentence.
Overworking for long time, one can hardly spare any time and energy to be with his family and friends, not alone notice who lives next-door. (25 words) →
Working long hours makes it difficult to spare time or energy for even your own family, let alone neighbors or strangers. (21 words)
Traditional virtues like kindness, trust are no longer emphasized → traditional virtues like kindness and trust are no longer emphasized. (The last two items have be joined with ‘and’ or ‘or.’)
People’s attitudes towards moral principles have been changed
Why passive (‘have been changed’)? Why not just use present, or present perfect? Here’s one possible rewrite with a more consistent present perfect tense to emphasize the change from the past to the present:
People’s attitudes towards moral principles have changed in the last few generations. Long-cherished traditional virtues like kindness and trust are no longer respected. Instead, high social status and material wealth have become the life-long pursuit of a large number of people.
Simplify/Word Choice/Thesis Sentence
I am going to analyze the adversity brought by this moral corruption on the society and family.
Make sure your thesis sentence stays close to the topic. The question doesn’t mention the family, and there is a danger that you could go off-topic. You can read more about Thesis sentences here. Also, have a look at the official descriptors for IELTS Task 2 Writing (public version) here, under Task Response, and see how important it is to stay on topic – look for the words ‘tangential’ or ‘addresses topic only partially.’
Here’s the question again, just to check
A person's worth nowadays seems to be judged according to social status and material possessions. Old-fashioned values, such as honor, kindness and trust, no longer seem important. To what degree do you agree or disagree with this opinion?
Undoubtedly, the prevalent money-oriented mentality has exerted detrimental impacts on industries and the society as well.
Here’s one possible rewrite:
Undoubtedly, today’s money-oriented mentality has affected industry and society.
It is a commonplace that some enterprises adopt immoral or even illegal means to make profits in a short time.
Here’s one possible rewrite:
Many businesses adopt immoral or even illegal means for quick profits OR
For the sake of quick profits, some companies use immoral or even illegal business practices
Here’s a very long (43-word) sentence:
By doing this, those manufacturers seemingly accumulate their fortune in a shorter time than their counterparts do; however, they are actually jeopardizing the interests of their own and the entire industry as well in that customers will stop purchasing this sort of products. (43 words)
Here’s one possible shorter rewrite with an extra idea
Not alone do they put the lives of thousands at risk just to make a quick profit, they jeopardize their entire industry and destroy consumer trust. (26 words)
More disturbingly, the whole society now is suffering from the loss of trust brought by overly pursuing fame and money.
Crystal, it’s a very nice phrase, but nobody says ‘overly pursuing.’ I understand that ‘more disturbingly’ refers to society rather than just the individual in the previous sentence. Let’s take it down a notch with a simpler rewrite.
Not just the individual but society suffers when people pursue only fame and money.
Few people would offer helping hands to others as they were either cheated by someone who took advantage of their kindness or are acquainted with this sort of stories from media coverage.
This sentence is an extension of the previous idea of loss of trust. Here’s one possible rewrite:
As trust disappears, fewer people offer help.
Not just individuals but society suffers when people pursue only fame and money. When profits are put before people, trust disappears, and people become less willing to help each other.
Given that the overemphasis on individual material wealth and social status has caused sever social problems, it is imperative to revitalize the traditional virtues.
There are a lot of nouns and noun phrases in this sentence. Nouns or nominalizations slow down your sentences. Try to have fewer nouns in your sentences, or to replace them with adjectives or verbs.
We have over-emphasized individual material wealth and social status, and this has caused severe social problems. We need to revitalize our traditional virtues.
New ideas in conclusion
Of course, the government and media are supposed to play an active role in this campaign..
Try to avoid new ideas in the conclusion. You could have introduced this idea earlier, but in the conclusion, it’s time to summarize, give your opinion, and look to the future.
Word Choice/Word Form/Usage
- It is a commonplace that → It is well-known that/ Often (The phrase ‘It is a commonplace’ is archaic. Use something lighter or simpler.)
- Customers will stop purchasing this sort of products. → customers will stop purchasing these sorts of products.