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Are we becoming more independent?
Topic Rating: 0 Topic Rating: 0 Topic Rating: 0 Topic Rating: 0 Topic Rating: 0 Topic Rating: 0 (0 votes) 
March 18, 2012
8:49 pm
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In this hi-tech world, people are able to live at ease without much support of others.However, before the advent of hi-end gadgets and gizmos people used to be inter-dependent. Therefore,  modern men have become slaves to technology and have distanced themselves from their friends and relatives. The following points will highlight my views with relevant examples.

First,gadgets such as washing machines,mixers,microwaves are very comfortable and easy to operate which are very much affordable. Thus, those who own them, don' require anybody's assistance. For example, in my country India men never used to do household chores and leave them to women. Now, with the help of these gadgets they manage everything themselves.

Second, because of the easy accessibility of the internet, people do a lot of activities on their own . For instance, earlier, people used to depend on others to post letter and run errands to banks and shops. Nowadays, with the click of a button they do all the work effectively. Further, people who are old  telecommute from home and earn some money to care of their expenditure.

Also, children no longer depend entirely on their parents and teachers to learn new skills. Instead, they surf of the internet and get the latest information. This practice not only makes them less dependent on others but also paves the path for being self-sufficient throughout their lives.

After considering all the above points, I am sure that people of this global world are becoming independent using the tools of technology which I feel should be welcomed. 

March 20, 2012
11:28 am
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Hello Radha and thanks for this essay!

Articles/Conjunctions

Put 'and' before the last item in a list

..washing machines, mixers, microwaves ==> and microwaves

Shorten/Simplify

In this sentence, you could have all the adjectives parallel

washing machines,mixers,microwaves are very comfortable and easy to operate which are very much affordable.

Washing machines, mixers, and microwaves are convenient, easy to operate, and affordable.

Commas

Don't separate the subject ('Those') from the verb 'need them'! If in doubt, leave commas out!

Thus, those who own them, don' require anybody's assistance.

Thus, people who own them don't require anybody's assistance.

Keep one consistent idea or direction: In the following sentence the first part is negative and it still governs the second part. You could also be consistent in tense:

For example, in my country India men never used to do household chores and leave them to women.

You could separate the two ideas into two sentences, or use different ways to join them ('but,' 'so,' 'because'). Also be consistent in tense:

  1. Men never used to do household chores. Instead, they left them to women. OR
  2. Men never used to do household chores, but left them to women instead. OR
  3. Men never used to do household chores, believing them to be women's work.

I really like your next sentence: Now, with the help of these gadgets they manage everything themselves.

Develop ideas and avoid generalizations 

Develop ideas fully and be careful to avoid generalizations

Further, people who are old telecommute from home and earn some money to care of their expenditure.

You haven't developed this at all. How old? 15? 25? 45? 65? Are hundreds of pensioners spending hours writing code? I don't know what you mean exactly. Just develop your idea by giving a clearer example

Further, people who are retired (???) can continue to work from home and do consultancy work or advise their former colleagues. In addition, more and more companies are allowing full time employees to telecommute also. This can be particularly helpful for mothers with small children, as it allows them to spend more time with their family.  OR

Although he retired from a full-time position five years ago, my father continues to work for the same company. He is able to carry on working as an accountant over the internet.

Usage

Children surf of the internet ==> They surf the internet.

I really like your development of this idea in the next sentence:

This practice not only makes them less dependent on others but also paves the path for being self-sufficient throughout their lives.

Great work and great example of how to develop an idea.

Gadgets, gizmos, hi-tech: it will be interesting to see how many of these words will be around in 20 or 50 years. Jargon and buzzwords get old fast: it can be better to use more 'solid' words!

Conclusion

Simplify and shorten. I would just break this 29-word monster up into two or even three sentences:

After considering all the above points, I am sure that people of this global world are becoming independent using the tools of technology which I feel should be welcomed.

After considering these points, I welcome the growing independence that technology gives people. OR

In conclusion, technology is freeing people from mundane and menial tasks, and allowing them to enjoy higher levels of productivity and imagination.

Overall, it's clear and easy to read. Sentences are generally short and some ideas are really well developed. Well done. 

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