Hi Elleh, and welcome to Writefix!
First some numbers from http://www.online-utility.org/english/readability_test_and_improve.jsp.
- Your essay is 207 words long, which would be too short for IELTS (it requires 250);
- Average sentence length is 20.70 words per sentence: I recommend an average sentence length of about 12-15. Not every sentence needs to be this long: you should aim for a mix of short and long sentences. Topic sentences are often short.
- Your reading difficulty indexes are quite high: the easier to read (the lower the index), the better.
Even though you only have 207 words, you have a lot of ideas. The problem is that the ideas are not fully developed. For example, at the end of Para 2 you write:
Also, men can not do multitask work compared with women. (10 words)
This is not developed. You need to either leave it out or else develop it fully. For example:
Another point is that men are not as good as women at multitasking. For example, women are able to cook, clean, watch a baby and use the phone at the same time, while men prefer to concentrate on one thing at a time. Raising children requires a wide range of skills - often at the same time! (57 words!)
Aim to have three ideas on one side, and three ideas on the other side. Each idea gets one sentence. This is followed by an example sentence. You will end up with an essay with a 3773 structure.
Here’s your paragraph reorganized slightly. I’ve kept most of your ideas.
Example of body paragraph from 3773 layout essay
|Women are better parents for a variety of reasons.
|First of all, they have carried the baby for nine months.
|It is natural, therefore, that there is already a strong connection between mother and child
|Second, women have a strong instinct to protect their child.
|This is found throughout nature, with lions defending their young against rivals or even the father.
|Another reason why women make better parents than men is that women are flexible and more patient.
|Childrearing is a long and often tedious process. It takes endless patience and forbearance on the part of both mothers and fathers, but women tend to be able to deal with children more gently and to be more forgiving.
Now, all you need is another paragraph just like the one above, about men!
It has to be equally long and equally organized: it must be symmetrical.
An alternative is to write the entire essay from one side. This is fine as long as you have enough ideas and develop them fully, using a 35553 essay layout.
A couple of small vocab/usage issues:
It has debated that women make better parents than men
Rewrite this: just say what you mean, or say what many people think. Omit the passive – keep it for Task 1. So you could write: Some people claim that women make better parents than men.
…although it is also known that men are the walls of a family, but women will always be the light of the household.
Again, omit the passive. Who knows this? You could write that "In my country, men are the walls of the family while women are the light of the household." It's a little flowery, as well – simpler is better. Does it contribute to the meaning of the sentence before?
Use modals and qualifiers – can be, could be, may be, are often, are sometimes, are possibly – instead of direct blanket statements or generalizations.
Again, thanks for your essay and I hope you can help some of the other people here.