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Are women are better parents than men?
Topic Rating: 1 Topic Rating: 1 Topic Rating: 1 Topic Rating: 1 Topic Rating: 1 Topic Rating: 1 (1 votes) 
November 7, 2011
3:04 pm
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tehran iran
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More children choose their mother to speak about events that happened to them in their life. This was result of a recent research that was done in kindergartens of Tehran city. Psychologists say it refers to women’s mental specifications that they are better listener than men. In other words, women notice to details more than men and because of that they remember all the details that their children spoke about easily. Most children like their parents to notice to their life. For example, it is interesting for a child to see that his parents know name of all friends of him. So from this view, mothers are more effective to their children than fathers.

But in some cases, women’s behavior can has bad effects on upbringing of their children. As a woman’s mental feature, they are more emotional than men. Because of that they are more dependant   to their children emotionally and it can has bad effects on children’s independence. When these children grow up, they cannot do their works without the help of their parents. So in these situations, fathers can play a great role. Because of a man’s mental specifications he can give his child’s more freedom and it leads to improve independence of his child. So as a result we can say both of the women and men can have their own effect on children’s upbringing and they complete roles of each other.

November 7, 2011
11:08 pm
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It has debated that women make better parents than men, although there is no rule who is the ultimate parent for a child.

First of all women carried the baby for almost 9 months, which specifically means that women has a relationship with the child even before they are born. Second, mother always has the instinct of protecting her youngster. Even lions, for instance, protects their kids from their father or opponents. Like human, women are more protective than men, although it is also known that men are the walls of a family, but women will always be the light of the household. Another reason why women are better parent than the father of the child is that, women are flexible, has longer patience and known to have a soft heart than men. Fathers are the disciplinarian, and they need to be tough to their youngsters to show them how to respect their parents. Also, men can not do multitask work compared with women. 

Therefore, personally I believe, that it is better for the offspring to live with their mother because they have the right character for decent upbringing and the closeness is different from being with their father. Women are much caring and understanding than men.

November 10, 2011
6:21 am
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Hello Damoon and welcome to Writefix!

Your essay is 236 words long, which is just under the IELTS requirement – you would lose a band in the exam!  Your average sentence length is almost 17 words per sentence, which is a little long: I would suggest adding some shorter sentences to make it easier to read. A mix of long and short is very effective.

One small vocab point: what would be better than the word 'specifications'? It sounds a little like a machine or a car or a tool or something. 

 

You have some good ideas and they are presented well. In summary they are:

Para 1:

  • Results of a survey : children prefer talking to their mothers.
  • Reason: Women listen more
  • Reason:  Children like to be listened to
  • Therefore,  mothers are more effective parents than men

Para 2:

  • Women’s behavior can also have negative effects
  • Example: Women are too emotional
  • Result: Women can be dependent on (vocabulary over-protective of?) their children
  • Result: Children do not learn to be independent
  • Idea: Men give more freedom to children
  • Result: Children become more independent
  • Conclusion: Both males and females have complementary roles

The actual method of presenting is a little direct, slightly abrupt.  I wonder if adding a thesis sentence and a separate conclusion would help.  

Remember it is an opinion essay. Starting with the results of a survey makes it sound like a newspaper article, but I would expect to see the survey author’s name or institution. 

(I do NOT recommend using surveys or scientists or experts: teachers and examiners have seen the results of every survey you can imagine, 99% of them completely fictitious and added only to give pseudo-scientific  truth to an otherwise empty essay! Just give your opinion! You are well able to do this!)

Why not just give your opinion and say what you are going to do or investigate in your essay? We only see the writer’s opinion in the last sentence (“we can say” ).

Overall, it’s well written but seems a little blunt or in-your-face: perhaps a more conventional IELTS essay style might be softer and easier. And watch out for the magic 250 words!

Great effort and I hope we see more soon.

November 10, 2011
12:53 pm
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Hi Elleh, and welcome to Writefix!

First some numbers from http://www.online-utility.org/english/readability_test_and_improve.jsp.

  • Your  essay is 207 words long, which would be too short for IELTS (it requires 250);
  • Average sentence length is 20.70 words per sentence: I recommend an average sentence length of about 12-15. Not every sentence needs to be this long: you should aim for a mix of short and long sentences.  Topic sentences are often short.
  • Your reading difficulty indexes are quite high: the easier to read (the lower the index), the better.  

Even though you only have 207 words, you have a lot of ideas. The problem is that the ideas are not fully developed.  For example, at the end of Para 2 you write:

Also, men can not do multitask work compared with women. (10 words)

This is not developed. You need to either leave it out or else develop it fully.  For example:

Another point is that men are not as good as women at multitasking.  For example, women are able to cook, clean, watch a baby and use the phone at the same time, while men prefer to concentrate on one thing at a time. Raising children requires a wide range  of skills -  often at the same  time! (57 words!)

Aim to have three ideas on one side, and three ideas on the other side. Each idea gets one sentence. This is followed by an example sentence.  You will end up with an essay with a 3773 structure.

Here’s your paragraph reorganized slightly. I’ve kept most of your ideas.

 

Example of body paragraph from 3773 layout essay

 

Topic Women are better parents for a variety of reasons.
Idea 1 First of all, they have carried the baby for nine months.
More information It is natural, therefore, that there is already a strong connection between mother and child
Idea 2 Second, women have a strong instinct to protect their child.
More information This is found throughout nature, with lions defending their young against rivals or even the father.
Idea 3 Another reason why women make better parents than men is that women are flexible and more patient.
More information Childrearing  is a long and often tedious process. It takes endless patience and forbearance on the part of both mothers and fathers, but women tend to be able to deal with children more gently and to be more forgiving.

 

Now, all you need is another paragraph just like the one above, about men!

It has to be equally long and equally organized: it must be symmetrical.

An alternative is to write the entire essay from one side. This is fine as long as you have enough ideas and develop them fully, using a 35553 essay layout.

 

A couple of small vocab/usage issues:

It has debated that women make better parents than men

Rewrite this: just say what you mean, or say what many people think. Omit the passive –  keep it for Task 1. So you could write: Some people claim that women make better parents than men. 

 …although it is also known that men are the walls of a family, but women will always be the light of the household.

Again, omit the passive. Who knows this? You could write that "In my country, men are the walls of the family while women are the light of the household." It's a little flowery, as well – simpler is better. Does it contribute to the meaning of the sentence before?

Use modals and qualifiers –  can be, could be, may be, are often, are sometimes, are possibly – instead of direct blanket statements or generalizations.   

Again, thanks for your essay and I hope you can help some of the other people here.

November 10, 2011
8:23 pm
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tehran iran
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dear sir

thanks for your attention.I read your post completely.That was my first try to write an essay. My IELTS exam date is december 19.

When I was writing the essay I knew that 'specification' is not such a good choice.But I searched on google and I found lots of phrases using women's specifications.Would you please suggest me better word?I am going to post my new essay and I would be to read your useful comments about my essays.

November 13, 2011
7:54 pm
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Hi Damoon and welcome back!

More children choose their mother to speak about events that happened to them in their life. This was result of a recent research that was done in kindergartens of Tehran city. Psychologists say it refers to women’s mental specifications that they are better listener than men.

Specifications -  other choices could be : psychological characteristics, innate features, natural predisposition, mental make-up, biological wiring, upbringing, nature, biological programming.... 

Of course all of these are risky because some readers will disagree with definitions of women or men as being 'programmed' or different!

April 13, 2012
11:29 pm
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Are women are better parents than men?


Looking over time, women tend to play a more important role in raising children. They are more dedicated to children than men do. But at present, it is undeniable that men have been stepping up to the plate and make excellent role models. However, women are superior looking after children in the following reasons.

 First of all, women by nature, have feminine qualities. When they are little girls, they differ from boys by playing dolls rather than join in a rough and tumble. The girls had been building caring skills and responsibility from the very early stage of their lives. On top of this, women have sacrificed so much to taking care of the children, it is not difficult to find abundant evidence that mothers are more committed. For example, when a married couple with child, it is most likely the mother stays at home while the father goes to work.

Moreover, women are generally better at communicating than men do. Women are more sensitive and patient in a way that makes them good listeners. Not surprisingly, mothers are always the first choice to be talked when the child has problems or inquires.

Thus it seems quite clear to me that women are better parents.But the importance of fathers' role in child rearing can never be overvalued. For a child to grow happy and healthily, both parents need close interaction with the child, therefore, mothers and fathers are needed to raise child by engaging their role effectively and efficiently. 

April 16, 2012
7:04 pm
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writefix
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Hello shuaishuai000 and welcome to Writefix!

Your essay is fine. It has 249 words! (well done!) and 16.6. words per sentence – not bad. When we remove some comma splices and fragments, this drops. Good!

Word Choice/Usage

Here are some minor edits and shortened sentences

  • They are more dedicated to children than men do. → They are more dedicated to children than men are.
  • Moreover, women are generally better at communicating than men do. → Moreover, women are generally better at communicating than men are
  • Not surprisingly, mothers are always the first choice to be talked when the child has problems or inquires →
    Not surprisingly, mothers are always the first choice when the child has problems or inquiries
  • The girls had been building caring skills and responsibility from the very early stage of their lives → Girls learn caring and responsibility very early.
  • For example, when a married couple with child, it is most likely the mother stays at home while the father goes to work. →
      
    For example, when a married couple has a child, it is most likely the mother who stays at home while the father goes to work.   

OR
Mothers are more likely to stay at home while fathers go out to work.

Comma Splice

Don’t join what should be separate sentences with commas, and don't use Therefore to join sentences. It becomes very complicated and needs semicolons. Just break them into separate sentences.

  • For a child to grow happy and healthily, both parents need close interaction with the child, therefore, mothers and fathers are needed to raise child by engaging their role effectively and efficiently.
  • For a child to grow happy and healthily, both parents need close interaction with the child. Therefore mothers and fathers are both needed to raise children by engaging in their roles effectively and efficiently.
April 17, 2012
12:45 pm
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Thanks Enda.

Sometimes i forget small sentences are delicate as well, instead i used long sentences...

 

I found this website by googling the essay topic, what interests me is that you can also correct the essay. I know good essays are made by correcting...

I actually don't take ILETS exams, just want to improve my writting, is it ok I still hangs around and pratices here?

April 17, 2012
2:50 pm
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Hi Suaishuai000!

Yes, of course you are welcome! The more the better!

If you have time, please comment (even a few words!) on any essay. There are new ones today from nda_quang, on student clubs, and from emkoxinh about international sports events and politics. Or any essay or comment you see!

Good to have you around!

April 18, 2012
12:00 am
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Dear Mr.Enda,

I really appreciate your feedback on essays. I myself learned a lot from these comments. However, I was wondering if you describe the tools you put on your site as links  such as average sentence length , which I really want to know in which range of this statistics we find that our essay is easy to read. For instance you wrote that average sentence length 20 is too long. And also if there are other benefit tools which can help us to assess our essays.

 

Best Regards,

April 18, 2012
2:44 pm
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Hi Brian

The tools at the top of the page are very useful (see "Useful Links" at the top of every forum page)

Some of the information is for native speakers, not learners, and some of the figures such as Gunning Fog, or Flesch Kincaid or other indexes are very US-oriented. Still they are helpful indicators.

Generally, students aiming for a Band 6 or 7 should have simple and clear essays. There should be no need for them to require 12 years of schooling for a native speaker to read - in other words they should have low figures for Flesch-Kincaid and Gunning-Fog (a low number of years required in order to be able to read the essay or wrtting), and a high score (percentage) for Flesch.

Have a look at this page about readability - it explains some of the readability scores that are given for the essays in this section in Writefix

If you are aiming for Band 8 or 9, then perhaps - only perhaps - might there be more complexity and therefore lowered readability. But I still think all candidates should try to write simply. It's not a term paper or an academic piece: it's a simple opinion essay in just 250 words.

How to improve readability

  • Have shorter sentences
  • Avoid using the passive
  • Use shorter words. Don't use 'commence' when you can use 'start'
  • Have more verbs and fewer nouns
  • Break up long sentences
  • Avoid long complicated clauses (which, that, whereas, although) -  they are very useful, but two clauses is enough in an essay.
  • Don't try to impress by squeezing in unnecessary vocabulary. Just use the simplest and most well-known term

Other tools

There are other tools. You can find the most frequent words in your essay here, which will help you avoid repetition. Grammarly.com checks for grammar and style errors. Wordcounter.com does what it says. There are many others, and many sites are happy to take your money and check your essay for you. Don't bother with these.

Some of these sites are a little confusing.

My recommendation: Fix your essay first in Microsoft Word (get rid of all green and red underlines) and then use one or two of the links in "Useful Links"

Hope this helps a little.

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