Hello Radha and thanks for this essay. There are some really good things here (and some bad, but they can be fixed!) - well done!
I really like your introduction sentence. It's clear, simple, short and correct. It gets straight to the point.
Wealthy people have extra potential to help others as they have surplus money.
I'm not so keen on these sentences however:
I support the idea of rich people extending help to the down trodden people. I will discuss the main reasons in support of my views in this essay.
The problem with the first one ("I support...") is that it sort of changes the question a little. The essay question asks if helping people is ONE of the good things about being rich - your sentence changes it a little. Be careful not to do that in the exam.
I think you know what I think about the last sentence in the introduction. You wrote:
I will discuss the main reasons in support of my views in this essay.
You could use this sentence in a million essays. Don't do this. Try to make every sentence relevant to the topic, just as every tiny part of a machine is there for a purpose. You could write:
- In this essay I will explain why I would love to be rich. OR
- I will describe how I would spend my money on others.
- Only few industrialists are philanthropists ==> Only a few industrialists are philanthropists OR Few industrialists are philanthropists
They splurge their money on luxuries such as throwing lavish parties and buying unwanted things which they never use.
Instead, they should spend the money on educating poor children and supporting old people who look for helping hands.
Try to remove empty words. You will be able to add more ideas!
Don't separate subjects from their verbs
- Also, a smile brought on the lips of the needy people as a gratitude, is worth millions of rupees.
- A smile brought to the lips of a needy person is worth millions of rupees.
Shortened and simplified, this could read:
A smile of gratitude is worth millions of rupees.
Simplify: Pronoun, word form and reference problems
For example, when you feed the hungry with a delicious meal and receive his blessing and smiling wholeheartedly, you will realize its power.
Edited this could read:
For example, when you feed the hungry and receive their whole-hearted blessings, you will realize the power of helping others.
You have a very nice mix of short and long here:
On the contrary, spending a lot of money on organizing a party for the affluent people will not bring you that much satisfaction. The plastic smiles of the guests will reveal it all.
Excellent! But do you need the two sentences which follow them?
In addition, all the guests are never satisfied and gossip about the arrangements. Thus,the expenditure does not reap any reward.
I don't think so. Your idea was already perfectly expressed in the phrase 'plastic smile'. These two sentences do not add anything.
Monster Sentence Length!
In conclusion, I strongly feel that affluent people who are blessed with a great fortune should spend some reasonable amount of money in donating it to charitable organizations rather than splurging the entire money on buying surplus expensive items and entertaining elite guests who have no dearth of money.
An unbelievable 49 words, with passive, with unnecessary words, with dozens of nouns (verbs are better than nouns - they make your writing move). Here's the same sentence in 18 words
In conclusion, affluent people should donate to charity rather than waste money on expensive trinkets or meaningless entertainment.
So, some really great sentences and structures in your essay overall, and then some not-so-good. But you are definitely getting better and more interesting!