Im going on to put some comments on your essay directly. First of all, as Mr ENda always wants to show us you used some long sentences.As http://www.read-able.com/check.php shows Number of words per sentence is 18.5
I guess you did not rewrite your essay as I see some classic errors in your essay while Im sure you know those are incorrect.
The next thing I should say is that you used punctuation in a wrong way where in some case the reader thinks you wants to go further while you put a point. (On the other hand, many people think that when we keep practicing. )
Here I am going to look at the essay step-by-step.
Some people maintain that those excellent sport stars and musicians are talented when they were born. Other, however, some people trust that as we give more supports and teach children as hard as we can, they can become a sport stars and musicians. In this essay, I will give some analysis of both sides and illustrate my opinions.
Some people think that excellent sports starts and musicians are talented when they are born.Others, however, believe that
people through hard working and given support could become either a sport stars or a musicians. In this essay, I will make some analysis of both sides and give my opinion.
In this present-day age, we can be entertained by sports and fantastic music, which is performed by some famous celebrities with talents. Take Mo-Yo-Yo, a well-known musician from Taiwan, for example since he was exposed by music, he have won a host of awards in this areas. Most his parents said that Ma has a gift which let him is amazingly keen on music and good at it without heavy trains.
I think we should put a sentence with much more relevant to the rest of paragraph.
punctuation: when you use for example in middle of sentence ,put comma before and after it.
Most his parents makes none sense.
Here my paragraph,
Today, we can see some gifted sports and musicians who seem that benefit from some skills naturally. Mo-Yo-YO, a well-known musician from Taiwan, for example, since he has exposed by music in early age, he has won a host of awards in this field. Recently his parents has confessed that Ma has a gift that makes him amazingly keen on music with less trains.
On the other hand, many people think that when we keep practicing. One day, we can become a good sports and musicians. Take Jeremy Lin for instance. People all knew that Jeremy had been sitting in the bench and been waiting an opportunity to play in NBA for a long time, before he became precious. The reason why he is popular now is that he believed himself and did not quit when people look less than him. Although he did not own an inborn talent like others, he gave his efforts. Finally, he became a remarkable player in NBA.
However, many people hold this view that we could become an excellent sport or musicians if we keep practice. Jeremy Lin, for instance, after a long time sitting on the bench in NBA league, at last he could prove his abilities and became a star in his team. The reason why he is popular would be he never gave up. Although it seems that he had not inborn talents as much as other talented basketball players had, still very diligent and hardworking to succeed.
In my view, I believe that becoming an excellent sports and musicians have to gain both talents and hard-working. It is shame that people are born with certain talents, but waste their time to exploit, and show off too much. To sum up, I will say that a successful sports and musicians need to have one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percents perspirations.
Perspiration is uncountable
To sum up, I do believe that to become a successful sport or a musician, one needs to have both talents and determination to work hard. And also I think that in most cases successful sports and musicians believe in one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percents perspiration.
At the end, I hope Mr.Enda helps us in this case. I should say thanks to Mr Enda because spend some time on our essays.