Welcome!

In the forum on this page you can see IELTS essays by people just like you. Hundreds of people added essays and comments and helped each other to get a great IELTS essay score! Have a look at their amazing writing!

Please note: This forum is closed!

closed

Sorry! However, please enjoy the hundreds of essays and thousands of comments still available here. A HUGE thanks to all the writers who commented and to all the visitors. We hope we've made IELTS writing less scary.

Popular Tags

Click the links below to see essays on that topic.

art business communication children crime culture economy education environment families food freedom globalization
health heritage  leisure media politics science society sports television travel technology transport university violence work

Avatar

Lost password?
Advanced Search

— Forum Scope —




— Match —





— Forum Options —





Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters

sp_Feed Topic RSS sp_Related Related Topics sp_TopicIcon
Should children be allowed to do paid work?
Topic Rating: 0 Topic Rating: 0 Topic Rating: 0 Topic Rating: 0 Topic Rating: 0 Topic Rating: 0 (0 votes) 
August 12, 2012
5:35 pm
Avatar
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 7
Member Since:
July 24, 2012
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi, Mr Writefix!

I tried to write by hand in 35' as you said and this is my essay after practising. It has 298 words but I will keep trying to obtain about 270 words.  

Hope to receive everyone's remarks!

--------------------------------------

Topic: In many countries, children are engaged in some kind of paid work. Some people regard this as completely wrong, while others consider it as valuable work experience, important for learning and taking responsibilities. Discuss

Over the past few years, there have been more and more children taking part in paid work for many purposes concerning money, work experience, skills and so on. The question is whether starting going to work early is definitely beneficial or harmful to  themselves. 

To begin with, it is undeniable that children who are engaged in paid work might accumulate a myriad of work experience and skills including team-work, leadership, problem-solving and communication. Another evidence is that during working process with hard efforts, teenagers might understand the value of money, thereby, partly helping their parents in dealing with financial problems. Furthermore, they not only become more independent than their peers on the individual level, but they also make a great contribution to reduce the unemployment rate, on the national level.

However, we should also bear in mind that participating in the workforce early can lead to some drawbacks. In reality, kids, at the age of growing, they have not yet developed completely in both physical and metal sides. Thus, if they have to work too much, they could suffer heath deterioration due to stress and pressure. Moreover, so passionate with work are children that they have not enough time to concentrate on academic studying at school. Hence, they have to face a bad results or even drop-out. Finally, although the unemployment rate of countries might decrease, the number of children who are abused by manual work with low income increasingly rise.

In conclusion, the issue of children's taking part in the workforce has pros and cons. The disadvantages seem to be stronger than the benefits. I suppose that children should be engaged in some sorts of paid work to gain more experience, skills and responsibilities. However, they have to balance their work versus heath and studying at school. 

August 12, 2012
8:25 pm
Avatar
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 67
Member Since:
July 16, 2012
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Enda is not here, I cant evaluate the essay correct, anyway, just give my shot. Hope it can works.

 

Over the past few years, there have been more and more children taking part in paid work for many purposes concerning money, work experience, skills and so on. The question is whether starting going to work early is definitely beneficial or harmful to  themselves.  (I dont think its a good thesis sentence, coz I wrote it before and Enda crticize me. You should tell the readers what is beneficial and what is drawbacks.)

 

To begin with, it is undeniable that children who are engaged in paid work might accumulate a myriad of work experience and skills including team-work, leadership, problem-solving and communication. Another evidence is that during working process with hard efforts, teenagers might understand the value of money, thereby, partly helping their parents in dealing with financial problems. Furthermore, they are not only become more independent than their peers on the individual level, but they also make a great contribution to reduce the unemployment rate, on the national level.

 

Try to cut off ur sentences, its way too long.

However, we should also bear in mind that participating in the workforce early can lead to some drawbacks. (what's shortcomings? top sentence is not good.)In reality, kids, at the age of growing, they have not yet developed completely in both physical and metal sides. Thus, if they have to work too much, they could suffer heath deterioration due to stress and pressure. Moreover, so passionate with work are children that they have not enough time to concentrate on academic studying at school. Hence, they have to face a bad results or even drop-out. Finally, although the unemployment rate of countries might decrease, the number of children who are abused by manual work with low income is increasingly rise.

 

In conclusion, the issue of children's taking part in the workforce has pros and cons. The disadvantages seem to be stronger than the benefits. I suppose that children should be engaged in some sorts of paid work to gain more experience, skills and responsibilities. However, they have to balance their work versus heath and studying at school.

 

Actually, the luxical and intro is fine. BUT tons of overdue words are appeared in ur essay, it means overuse. The structure is fine, while the sentence is too long.

 

I dont like ur thesis and top sentence, just throw it away coz its meaningless. pros and cons? What is it exactly? Readers need to find it back.

 

David

August 13, 2012
2:37 pm
Avatar
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 7
Member Since:
July 24, 2012
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thank you, David.

Your comments are useful. I learn something after reading. 

I think I'll continue practising to have a good essay. 

Forum Timezone: Asia/Dubai

Most Users Ever Online: 299

Currently Online:
7 Guest(s)

Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)

Member Stats:

Guest Posters: 1

Members: 172

Moderators: 1

Admins: 2

Forum Stats:

Groups: 1

Forums: 3

Topics: 545

Posts: 2204

Moderators: Newestadmin: 0

Top
Do NOT follow this link or you will be banned from the site!