Hi Yokama and thanks for this essay.

Male/female words and pronouns

Some people don’t like to see only male pronouns (‘a child loves his toys’ ‘he has to work hard,’ ‘A politician aims to please his voters,’ etc.) as they think women are being ignored. One way to get around this is to use plurals: ‘children,’ ‘politicians,’ ‘parents,’ ‘their’

• a child has to endeavor to compete for his place

Children have to compete for places in college. OR

Children have to compete for their places in college.

Word Choice/Usage

• since a very young age → from a very young age
• students would strive to catch up with their elitist classmates → elite
• Some of them start part-time job, expecting to be self-financial supporter.→ Some of them start part-time jobs, hoping to become financially independent/self-supporting
• the increasing stiff job market → the increasingly stiff job market / competitive job market
• Undue pressure can render children over-psychological burden → Undue pressure can place too much of a psychological burden on children
• No stress at all will simply generate unwary and negligent tendency → Having no stress at all will simply lead to laziness and a lack of focus.
• It is the factor that ensures children to be more degage in their later lives.   → engaged?

Make every sentence specific to the topic

• This phenomenon has aroused concern in society, though, can be a positive change to some extent

This phenomenon has aroused concern in society, even though it can mean positive change.

However, this sentence could be used in thousands of essays. Let’s make a new sentence that is specific to this essay:

People are worried about this increasing pressure on children, even though it can push some children to succeed.

Here's another generic sentence, which also has some errors:

• Rising pressure probably has some side effect, but more, is a positive development.

Let's make it more specific:

Increased pressure can have psychological effects on children, but it can also make them to focus and be more successful.

Thesis

Have a thesis sentence outlining what you are going to say in your essay.

In this essay, I will examine the positive effects of pressure on children, but I will also warn against putting too much pressure on young minds and bodies.

Pronoun Reference/Word Order

Who does ‘their’ refer to in this sentence? The previous sentence discussed ‘one’s’ potential. Keep a consistent subject.

Interestingly enough, certain extreme stress could exploit their potential talent, and spark children’s creativity and imagination.

Let’s change the word order to make it very clear.

Certain amounts of stress could exploit children’s potential talent, and spark their creativity and imagination.

Punctuation

• Another instance is that a person who has financial stress, tend to be more ambitious in earning money.

Don’t separate subject (‘a person’) from the verb (‘tends)

Another instance is that a person who has financial stress tends to be more ambitious in earning money.

You have some nice ideas here. You have organized your essay into 5 paragraphs (intro, two paragraphs on positive pressure, one on negative) and a conclusion.

Moemoe wrote an essay on a very similar topic two weeks ago.  What do you think? How does Yokama's essay compare?

Hi Yokama

You are welcome!

You've given me something to think about. Obviously many students from the same area/ school/ country might tend to write in the same way. Teachers might also have similar patterns of teaching and prefer certain types of writing. So it might be good to look at how writers from different backgrounds approach the same topic.

I wonder how we could make it easier to read essays from different nationalities or backgrounds? This would give us new ideas about how to write. 

Not many people add their country or first language in the profile when they sign up, so I don't know how I could do that -  sometimes a name is all there is!

In the essay you posted -  "Is it important to plan now, or should we focus on the present" - do you think there would be big differences in answers from, say, Thai writers and Spanish-speaking writers, because of cultural or linguistic differences, or different writing styles? 

Hi B_rock09 and Brian

Thanks for the essay B_rock09 and the comment, Brian. I will have a look at the essay this evening or tomorrow. In the meantime, I've looked at another of  B_rock09's essays -  have a look here. 

Brian, you asked

I was wondering if someone deal with his/her essay with formal language then change his/her tone to the informal/spoken language he/she would lose a point?

No, I think it's better to stick to one tone. Your essay should be informal OR formal -  don't switch.

But there's no need to be too formal. It's not a meeting of heads of government, it's an opinion essay. As long as your tone is consistent and appropriate, that's fine. 

Hi B_rock09

I've been swamped with essays recently. Here's a couple of comments on your essay on whether children are under too much pressure today.

Layout: Suspense

You have a five-paragraph layout

• Intro - many people think children are under too much pressure.
• Para 1 - pressure is good -  it teaches us to work hard
• Para 2  - pressure is good  -  it makes us mature
• Para 3 -  pressure can make children mentally disturbed, but no problem - the parents are there for them
• Conclusion - your opinion: pressure on kids is good.

Your intro would be much stronger if it gave the readers an idea of what was coming in this structure. At the moment you keep us in suspense. We have no idea of your opinion or what will be in each paragraph.

It's not even clear in Paragraph 3 until we get to the end, where you mention that despite possible psychological damage, pressure is still OK for children because the parents and family are there to support them.

I don't recommend suspense -  what happens if you run out of time in an exam? Suspense is great in a horror movie, but in IELTS, let's get straight to the point. I want to know from the first paragraph who the killer is, and if the annoying teenagers are all going to get killed and how. (only joking  🙂 

It's always good to use a thesis sentence in the introduction. Have a look at the great thesis sentence in this essay by Katiss on 24-hour shopping.

Intro

Another thing about the introduction is that is starts with some people, then mentions adults, and then finally mentions children. Why not have a sentence like this, with the subject of the essay in the first few words

Children today lead very busy lives.  They have to succeed in sports, in music, in ballet, in football, in debating, in their academic studies, and of course to be perfectly behaved, beautifully dressed, and in relationships. Do we expect too much? In this essay I will say why children benefit from some pressure, but stress the need for caution.  (58 words, 4 sentences, words per sentence 14.7 on average)