Hi Yokama and thanks for this essay.
Male/female words and pronouns
Some people don’t like to see only male pronouns (‘a child loves his toys’ ‘he has to work hard,’ ‘A politician aims to please his voters,’ etc.) as they think women are being ignored. One way to get around this is to use plurals: ‘children,’ ‘politicians,’ ‘parents,’ ‘their’
- a child has to endeavor to compete for his place
Children have to compete for places in college. OR
Children have to compete for their places in college.
- since a very young age → from a very young age
- students would strive to catch up with their elitist classmates → elite
- Some of them start part-time job, expecting to be self-financial supporter.→ Some of them start part-time jobs, hoping to become financially independent/self-supporting
- the increasing stiff job market → the increasingly stiff job market / competitive job market
- Undue pressure can render children over-psychological burden → Undue pressure can place too much of a psychological burden on children
- No stress at all will simply generate unwary and negligent tendency → Having no stress at all will simply lead to laziness and a lack of focus.
- It is the factor that ensures children to be more degage in their later lives. → engaged?
Make every sentence specific to the topic
- This phenomenon has aroused concern in society, though, can be a positive change to some extent
This phenomenon has aroused concern in society, even though it can mean positive change.
However, this sentence could be used in thousands of essays. Let’s make a new sentence that is specific to this essay:
People are worried about this increasing pressure on children, even though it can push some children to succeed.
Here's another generic sentence, which also has some errors:
- Rising pressure probably has some side effect, but more, is a positive development.
Let's make it more specific:
Increased pressure can have psychological effects on children, but it can also make them to focus and be more successful.
Have a thesis sentence outlining what you are going to say in your essay.
In this essay, I will examine the positive effects of pressure on children, but I will also warn against putting too much pressure on young minds and bodies.
Pronoun Reference/Word Order
Who does ‘their’ refer to in this sentence? The previous sentence discussed ‘one’s’ potential. Keep a consistent subject.
Interestingly enough, certain extreme stress could exploit their potential talent, and spark children’s creativity and imagination.
Let’s change the word order to make it very clear.
Certain amounts of stress could exploit children’s potential talent, and spark their creativity and imagination.
- Another instance is that a person who has financial stress, tend to be more ambitious in earning money.
Don’t separate subject (‘a person’) from the verb (‘tends)
Another instance is that a person who has financial stress tends to be more ambitious in earning money.
You have some nice ideas here. You have organized your essay into 5 paragraphs (intro, two paragraphs on positive pressure, one on negative) and a conclusion.