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City or country side? Which one is better for children?
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May 31, 2012
10:17 pm
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Living in country side or city has been a big discussion between people. Some people prefer to live in cities and they children have a better life there however others hold the opposite idea which is living in country side. Both of these ideas have its own advantages and disadvantages. In this essay, I will discuss effect of these criteria on children’s life.

Country side can prepare better environment for children such as cleaner air, better places for playing rather than city. Children can breathe fresh air and they grow up simply due to simple life style in country side. They eat fresh and healthier food rather than frozen food or fast food which children in cities eat. Therefore they have healthier body.

In comparison, children who live in city have easier access to better facilities and have easier life. They can go to better schools and being taught by professional teachers. They will taken to more modernize hospital when they are sick. Due to these accesses they are more up to date and familiar with modern life style.

In my opinion, the best life style is to accumulate both of these, for example having a very big house in country side and take the children to good school in city and also provide all of the good facilities which they can find in city, for them. But every one cannot afford to provide this life style. So, in order to , children have a better life in city, although there is a lot of lack, city is better place for living.

June 1, 2012
12:44 pm
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Hi Pedram and thanks for this essay

Overall the essay is fine, but you need to make sure all the ideas are supported. Try to avoid standard phrases like "big discussion" in the intro. Watch for basic errors in articles

Articles

  • Living in country side or city → Living in the countryside or the city
  • Country side can prepare better environment → The countryside can offer a better environment
  • they grow up simply due to simple life style in country side→ They have a simpler life due to the simple lifestyle in the countryside.
  • Therefore they have healthier body.→ Therefore they have a healthier body.  OR Therefore, they are healthier.
  • take the children to good school in city and → take the children to good schools in the city OR take the children to a good school in the city

Verb Tense

  • Living in the countryside or the city has been a big discussion → (Why past tense? Why not present? Who is discussing this idea? Specify!)→
    Many parents wonder about the best place to raise their children.
     
  • They can go to better schools and being taught by professional teachers → They can go to better schools and be taught by professional teachers
  • They will taken to more modernize hospital when they are sick. → They will be taken to more modern hospitals when they are sick.

Word Choice/Word Form/Usage

  1. they children have a better life there → they think/suggest/believe children have a better life there
  2. more modernize hospital → more modern hospitals
  3. Due to these accesses they are more up to date → Due to this easy access to schools…
  4. the best life style is to accumulate both of these → the best lifestyle is to combine these
  5. But every one cannot afford to provide this life style.→ But not everyone can afford to provide this lifestyle for their children.

Conclusion

You wrote:

So, in order to , children have a better life in city, although there is a lot of lack, city is better place for living. →

This is confusing – it needs to be rewritten completely.

Ideas

You wrote:

Due to these accesses they are more up to date and familiar with modern life style.

Your idea is good, but the reference is not clear. In the previous paragraph you mentioned hospitals and better schools. Yes, children might be more ‘up to date’ if they went to better schools, but surely not hospitals?  Let’s remove the pronoun reference and specify. Let’s also change the word ‘accesses.’ Finally let’s support the idea with examples. Here’s one possible rewrite:

 Children living in the city often are more up to date with new trends and fashions. They have more television channels and faster internet and they see a wider range of people and shops, so they learn quickly about new styles, new music, and new technology.  As a result they become more familiar with a modern lifestyle.

Shorten  and Simplify

You wrote a 48-word monster:

In my opinion, the best life style is to accumulate both of these, for example having a very big house in country side and take the children to good school in city and also provide all of the good facilities which they can find in city, for them. (48 words, 1 sentence)

This sentence is 48 words long. Try not to have any sentence longer than 25 words, and aim to keep the average between 12 and 15 words. Long sentences lead to errors, as you can see here.

Here’s one possible rewrite:

In my opinion, the best lifestyle is to combine these by having a house near the city. This will allow children to attend school and enjoy the the city with all its facilities , but also allow them to benefit from a healthier environment. (44 words, 2 sentences, Average 22 words per sentence)

Note the average is still very high -  I would have a lot of short sentences in my essay which would reduce the average.

Parallel, Unnecessary Words, Vague

You wrote:

Some people prefer to live in cities and they children have a better life there however others hold the opposite idea which is living in country side.

This sentence needs to be broken up.  It’s a run-on sentence.  It also needs to be made more specific and more parallel. You’ve given a reason why people like the city-  now you should give a reason why people like the countryside.

Here’s one possible rewrite:

Some people prefer to live in cities because they think children have a better life and more opportunities there. However, others believe that the country is a better place to raise a family because it is safer and closer to nature.

Specify

You wrote:

Both of these ideas have their own advantages and disadvantages. In this essay, I will discuss effect of these criteria on children’s life.

What criteria? The reference is not clear. Do the criteria have an effect, or is it living in a particular place that has an affect?  Let’s specify and make every sentence related to the question. Let’s also make the thesis sentence into a guide to the rest of the essay. Here’s one possible rewrite

In this essay, I will show that children living in the countryside are healthier, while city children have better schooling and medical facilities.

June 1, 2012
1:24 pm
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Thank you for your great answer buddy.

your guidence is really helpful and I will try to use them in my future writing.

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