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Should car ownership and use be controlled and limited?
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August 16, 2012
1:07 pm
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August 3, 2012
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This is my first essay for this forum , i would be really glad if someone can help me to correct it and let me know how to improve my writing.

Alternative forms of transport should be encouraged and international laws introduced to control car ownership and use

 

The problem of over growing vehicles on roads has become intensive in last few years for many countries.Nowadays people are more encouraged to use other forms of transportation methods and laws are introduced to control this issue.In this essay i will elaborate more about the steps that can be taken in order to to control the car ownership and use.

Most of the people in developed countries have their own vehicle for day to day travels.No doubt it is more convenient than using public transport methods.One of the best way to control this is to develop standards of public transports and encourage people to use them.Reducing charges,increasing the availability will make public trasport more attractive.Other than that alternative transport methods should be made more popular such as bicycles, waterways.These methods can also be effective for the sake of environment.This leads to less environemt pollution and also less traffic on roads

Secondly passing laws has become necessary for this issue.As an example in Singapore there are heavy taxes for the new buyers and high annual registration fees.The vehicles can only be used for 10 years from the manufacturing date.The owners who want to use keep vehicles more than that have to pay  huge sums to the government.Moreover the drivers who don't follow road rules are fined and their licenses are cancelled temporary.Some of these laws are already being practiced in many countries.

In conclusion i think the excess growth of vehicles on roads is inevitable.But there are number of steps which can be taken to control and to minimize the harmful outcomes encountered with it.

August 17, 2012
8:53 pm
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Hi das,

Great,great,great essay . Thanks to this essay. I guess you easily can reach Band +7 , as there are very few errors, most arguments are supported and also state a clear position and maintain it to the end. Im trying to read it again to learn more. That would be great if you come and leave some comments on our essay.

 

best regards,

August 22, 2012
3:39 pm
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Hi Das and welcome to Writefix  (Apologies  - I had your name wrong in an earlier edit)

I'm afraid I wouldn't be as confident at Mohammed about your essay. Sorry!

You can definitely write, but you need to focus much on presenting an argument, on linking your ideas, on eliminating unclear pronoun reference, and on organizing your essay.

Organization

Let’s begin by looking at your organization.

  • Your intro looks at both sides of the problem and the thesis sentence suggests that your essay will look at steps to control car ownership.
  • Paragraph Two describes car ownership in developed countries. But then it changes to discuss public transport. The switch is sudden and unexplained.
     
  • Paragraph Three looks at laws for 'this issue' (not clear which issue). It then gives examples of how cars are controlled in Singapore, but it doesn’t mention why, or how people get around there. It discusses traffic laws, for some reason and says that 'these' (vague reference again) are being practiced in 'some' countries. Add clear topc sentences to your body paragraphs and stick to them.
  • The conclusion says that we cannot avoid having more cars on our roads, but then says that there are some steps we can take to control the harmful outcomes of  - having too many cars.

Have a look at the official descriptors for IELTS Task 2 Writing (public version) here, under Coherence and Cohesion. Is there a “clear central topic for each paragraph?” Not really. There almost is, but not quite. The reader has to work hard to link the paragraphs with the thesis sentence from the intro. The first part of the conclusion does not seem related to any other part of the essay. The topic sentences are a little weak or vague.  Your essay uses paragraphs, but not always logically.

There are a number of unclear weak coherence links (‘this issue”( x2)  “best way to control this” “associated with it” -  a lot of pronouns are unclear. Referencing is not always used "clearly or appropriately."

I think that you can write well, but you haven’t given each sentence enough thought here. The reader has the feeling that you spend about 25 seconds planning, and then wrote like crazy for about 20 minutes - not good use of time! Tell me if I’m wrong!

In writing you have to be much more specific than in speaking. Nobody can stop you and ask you what you mean in writing -  you have to make it clear from the start. Don’t use vague words like ‘this issue.’ Don’t make lists -  they're lazy.

Lists

These sentences need a conjunction (‘and’/‘or’)

  • transport methods should be made more popular such as bicycles, waterways.
  • Reducing charges,increasing the availability will make public trasport more attractive. 

Ideas

Every country has traffic safety laws. Are traffic safety laws a kind of car control? Do they reduce the number of vehicles? Perhaps this is a good idea – it’s just not developed.

Have a look at the official descriptors for IELTS Task 2 Writing (public version) here, under Task Response: “presents relevant main ideas but some may be inadequately developed/unclear.”

You need to give it more attention to your writing to get a higher mark. Print out the official descriptors for IELTS Task 2 Writing (public version) here,  and go through them line-by-line. Be ruthless with your writing. Examine how your sentences and ideas join together. See if your ideas are developed or are just presented side-by-side.

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