Hi Das and welcome to Writefix (Apologies - I had your name wrong in an earlier edit)
I'm afraid I wouldn't be as confident at Mohammed about your essay. Sorry!
You can definitely write, but you need to focus much on presenting an argument, on linking your ideas, on eliminating unclear pronoun reference, and on organizing your essay.
Let’s begin by looking at your organization.
- Your intro looks at both sides of the problem and the thesis sentence suggests that your essay will look at steps to control car ownership.
- Paragraph Two describes car ownership in developed countries. But then it changes to discuss public transport. The switch is sudden and unexplained.
- Paragraph Three looks at laws for 'this issue' (not clear which issue). It then gives examples of how cars are controlled in Singapore, but it doesn’t mention why, or how people get around there. It discusses traffic laws, for some reason and says that 'these' (vague reference again) are being practiced in 'some' countries. Add clear topc sentences to your body paragraphs and stick to them.
- The conclusion says that we cannot avoid having more cars on our roads, but then says that there are some steps we can take to control the harmful outcomes of - having too many cars.
Have a look at the official descriptors for IELTS Task 2 Writing (public version) here, under Coherence and Cohesion. Is there a “clear central topic for each paragraph?” Not really. There almost is, but not quite. The reader has to work hard to link the paragraphs with the thesis sentence from the intro. The first part of the conclusion does not seem related to any other part of the essay. The topic sentences are a little weak or vague. Your essay uses paragraphs, but not always logically.
There are a number of unclear weak coherence links (‘this issue”( x2) “best way to control this” “associated with it” - a lot of pronouns are unclear. Referencing is not always used "clearly or appropriately."
I think that you can write well, but you haven’t given each sentence enough thought here. The reader has the feeling that you spend about 25 seconds planning, and then wrote like crazy for about 20 minutes - not good use of time! Tell me if I’m wrong!
In writing you have to be much more specific than in speaking. Nobody can stop you and ask you what you mean in writing - you have to make it clear from the start. Don’t use vague words like ‘this issue.’ Don’t make lists - they're lazy.
These sentences need a conjunction (‘and’/‘or’)
- transport methods should be made more popular such as bicycles, waterways.
- Reducing charges,increasing the availability will make public trasport more attractive.
Every country has traffic safety laws. Are traffic safety laws a kind of car control? Do they reduce the number of vehicles? Perhaps this is a good idea – it’s just not developed.
Have a look at the official descriptors for IELTS Task 2 Writing (public version) here, under Task Response: “presents relevant main ideas but some may be inadequately developed/unclear.”
You need to give it more attention to your writing to get a higher mark. Print out the official descriptors for IELTS Task 2 Writing (public version) here, and go through them line-by-line. Be ruthless with your writing. Examine how your sentences and ideas join together. See if your ideas are developed or are just presented side-by-side.