Hello Naheed and welcome to Writefix. We hope you can help others in this forum by commenting on their essays!
Please post in this forum "Your Argument and Opinion Essays"), not the "Questions and Comments" one (I've moved your essay already, so no need to do anything!). Also, please run the essay through a spell-check before posting and check for punctuation - leave one space AFTER commas and full stops and between words, not before. When posting, just write the essay question in a short format. I've edited your title.
Articles
Make sure every noun has an article, where needed:
- Rising trend ==> The rising trend
- that increase violence in T.V shows ==> the increase in violence OR increased violence
- First and foremost point is that ==> The first point is that OR First,
- Continous bombardment ==> This continuous bombardment
- the parental guidance ==> parental guidance (no article needed)
Sentence Structure - comma splices and fragments
Some sentences are fragments - incomplete sentences or phrases missing a subject or a verb
Whereas others argue that reducing violent actions in media would lessen the criminal activities.
Delete the word 'whereas' OR add a comma and join to the previous sentence. I prefer to keep sentences short, so the first solution is better.
Other sentences are run-ons. Separate this into two sentences:
Continous bombardment of violent action make them immune to feel empathy for others in fact they grow as hard hearted members of society.
This continuous bombardment of violence may make them unable to feel empathy for others. In fact, they can grow into hard-hearted members of society.
Word Choice and Word Form
I would try use simpler vocabulary.
- burgeoning => growing, increasing,
- opine ==> suggest, claim, say, feel, believe
- delve ==> look at, examine, analyze, focus on,
- delve on = delve into (but see above)
- unsupervised individuals are are more prone to astray ==> unsupervised children are more likely to misbehave
- they are easy victims of criminals to lure in these activities ==> criminals can lure them more easily OR chldren can be lured into criminal activity more easily
- impoverished persons could easily indulge into violent acts ==> poor people could be tempted to use violence
- less violent broadcasted in T.V programmmes would help in coolingdown of this hot issue ==> less violence on TV would help to reduce crime.
- peers at college and schools stimulate their fellows to participate and experienced these activities as dare ==> Peer pressure is another factor. Children's friends encourage or even dare them to participate.
- they grow as hard hearted members ==> They grow into hard-hearted members of society
Topic
Make sure your ideas are related to the topic. For example, is peer pressure directly related to TV violence? Why would some children be affected more than others? What about lack of parental supervision? What about the educational programs on television? The question asks about the effects of violence, not about banning TV or leaving children alone. Have a look at the
official IELTS descriptors for Task 2 here, regarding Task Response.
Overall, note that the writing test is NOT a vocabulary test. The Reading exam serves that purpose. It's better for writers to use simple vocabulary that flows naturally. The more complex or less high-frequency the vocabulary item, the higher the chance of using it in the wrong way. Just pick the simplest words and let the sentence flow.
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