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Would less T.V and movie violence lead to fewer violent crimes?
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March 4, 2012
9:50 am
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Rising trend of violent activities is a burgeoning problem ofsociety these days.Some people opine that increase violence in T.V shows and films is the mmain cause of this trend.Whereas others argue that reducing violent actions in media would lessen the criminal activities.In this essay, I shall delve on the role of media and other factors on society in promoting violence.

 

Media has enormously influenced our society.First and foremost point is that due to modern life style most of the people spend their leisure time in watching T.V or movies.Most of the programmes or  are full of thrill,excitement and criminal actions.As a result,audience especially  young individuals  tempted to enjoy this adventure.Secondly,peers at college and schools stimulate their fellows to participate and experienced these activities as dare.Finally,young brains are like  sponge,they absorb whatever they watch or observe  on T.V or around them in the world they live in.Continous bombardment of violent action make them immune to feel empathy for others in fact they grow  as hard hearted members of society. However, several other factors contribute to promote this trend.

 

There are , however,those believe that reducing violence in media would lessen this trend.Firstly,it is claimed that watching motivational and educational programmes,infact,broaden the horizons of mind.

Then there are concerns about the parental guidance.As most of the people are busy in work,unattended and unsupervised individuals are are more prone to astray.Morever,they  are easy victims of criminals to lure in these activities .Furthermore, frustrated ,unemployed,  impoverished persons could  easily indulge into violent acts.However ,not only reducing violence in T.V shows and movies would contribute to reduce this trend but there is lot to do more than this to control the situation.

 

In conclusion,although less violent  broadcasted in T.V  programmmes would help in coolingdown of this hot issue.I reterite that there are some other  important aspects need to address.

March 5, 2012
5:21 am
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writefix
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Hello Naheed and welcome to Writefix. We hope you can help others in this forum by commenting on their essays!

Please post in this forum "Your Argument and Opinion Essays"), not the "Questions and Comments" one (I've moved your essay already, so no need to do anything!). Also, please run the essay through a spell-check before posting and check for punctuation - leave one space AFTER commas and full stops and between words, not before.  When posting, just write the essay question in a short format. I've edited your title.

Articles

Make sure every noun has an article, where needed:

  • Rising trend ==> The rising trend
  • that increase violence in T.V shows ==> the increase in violence OR increased violence
  • First and foremost point is that ==> The first point is that OR First, 
  • Continous bombardment ==> This continuous bombardment
  • the parental guidance ==> parental guidance (no article needed)

Sentence Structure  - comma splices and fragments

Some sentences are fragments - incomplete sentences or phrases missing a subject or a verb 

Whereas others argue that reducing violent actions in media would lessen the criminal activities.

Delete the word 'whereas'  OR add a comma and join to the previous sentence. I prefer to keep sentences short, so the first solution is better.

Other sentences are run-ons. Separate this into two sentences:

Continous bombardment of violent action make them immune to feel empathy for others in fact they grow as hard hearted members of society.

This continuous bombardment of violence may make them unable to feel empathy for others. In fact, they can grow into hard-hearted members of society.

Word Choice and Word Form
I would try use simpler vocabulary.

  • burgeoning => growing, increasing, 
  • opine ==> suggest, claim, say, feel, believe
  • delve ==> look at, examine, analyze, focus on, 
  • delve on = delve into (but see above)
  • unsupervised individuals are are more prone to astray ==> unsupervised children are more likely to misbehave
  • they are easy victims of criminals to lure in these activities ==> criminals can lure them more easily OR chldren can be lured into criminal activity more easily
  • impoverished persons could easily indulge into violent acts ==> poor people could be tempted to use violence
  • less violent broadcasted in T.V programmmes would help in coolingdown of this hot issue ==> less violence on TV would help to reduce crime.
  • peers at college and schools stimulate their fellows to participate and experienced these activities as dare ==> Peer pressure is another factor. Children's friends encourage or even dare them to participate. 
  • they grow as hard hearted members ==> They grow into hard-hearted members of society
Topic
Make sure your ideas are related to the topic. For example, is peer pressure directly related to TV violence? Why would some children be affected more than others? What about lack of parental supervision? What about the educational programs on television? The question asks about the effects of violence, not about banning TV or leaving children alone. Have a look at the official IELTS descriptors for Task 2 here, regarding Task Response.
 
Overall, note that the writing test is NOT a vocabulary test. The Reading exam serves that purpose. It's better for writers to use simple vocabulary that flows naturally. The more complex or less high-frequency the vocabulary item, the higher the chance of using it in the wrong way. Just pick the simplest words and let the sentence flow.
March 5, 2012
8:08 am
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Dongguan, China
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Hi, Enda, I have a question.

In our country, our teachers always told us to use some comples vocabulary, because some simple words have been used too many times. And they told me only in that way that I can impressive the examiner and show I am not in the low-level.

 

however, my vocabulary is poor, and sometimes i think use too many complex words may be too ambitious. Now you said we just need to pick the simplest words and let the sentence flow instead of using too many complex words.

 

Could I impressive the examiner in that way.

March 5, 2012
8:40 am
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Hi Admin,

I would like to appreciate the  way you did correction of my essay .Really it is  amazing and very  helpful. I hope to add more essays in this forum .

Thanks &  Regards

Naheed

March 5, 2012
8:47 am
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writefix
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Hi Alison

Don't be afraid of using simple vocabulary. Let your ideas speak. The Reading and Speaking tests are the real tests of your vocabulary in IELTS. In Writing, don't try to impress by putting complicated words into your essay.

Using fancy vocabulary just to impress is like throwing gold leaf or caviar into an ordinary soup or dish  - it will certainly draw attention, but it doesn't really improve it at all.

March 5, 2012
9:16 am
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Hi Admin, 

Could you please help us to estimate IELTS band  for our writing. It would be more encouraging for us to improve our writing under your guidance.

Thanks

Naheed

March 5, 2012
2:15 pm
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writefix said

Hi Alison

Don't be afraid of using simple vocabulary. Let your ideas speak. The Reading and Speaking tests are the real tests of your vocabulary in IELTS. In Writing, don't try to impress by putting complicated words into your essay.

Using fancy vocabulary just to impress is like throwing gold leaf or caviar into an ordinary soup or dish  - it will certainly draw attention, but it doesn't really improve it at all.

 

funny parable, haha.  I got it

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