Hello Jlim

Introduction

There are some good sentences and ideas in your introduction but it’s very long. Did you plan to have a two-paragraph intro?  I would shorten it like this:

Every year, millions of people travel to other countries not just to relax, but to visit museums, monuments and archaeological sites. They want to understand the cultural heritage of the country. In my essay I will look at some of the benefits cultural tourism brings and also at some problems it causes.

Word Choice/Usage

1. First of all ,cultural tourism let the visitors understand the local culture ==> First of all, cultural tourism lets the visitors understand the local culture
2. ‘Next ‘-  don’t use next in Task 2. Use it only in Task 1 if you are asked to describe a process. Here, use ‘in addition’ or ‘moreover’ or ‘also’:
   Next, tourism can develop country economy. ==> Tourism can also develop the country’s  economy.
3. It creates many jobs to the local labours and available the work in hotels, restaurants, travel businesses, taxis, entertainment centers resorts and others.  ==> It creates many jobs in hotels, restaurants, travel businesses, taxis, entertainment centers and resorts.
4. The government dedicate to reduce environment pollution. ==>The government will work harder to reduce pollution.
5. If too many visitors visit a place will cause traffic congestion ==> If too many visitors visit a place it will cause traffic congestion OR Too many visitors can cause traffic congestion.
6. Others, people working as waiters or cleaners do not receive a high salaries.==>  Another point is that people working as waiters or cleaners do not receive high salaries.
7. The practical approach government can do is to encourage the strengths and diminish the weakness as much as possible. ==> The most practical approach for the government is to improve services and the environment, as well as salaries and working conditions. (Be specific!)

Articles

Next, tourism can develop country economy ==>  Next, tourism can develop the country’s  economy.

Furthermore, tourism can lead to better environment. ==> Furthermore, tourism can lead to a better environment.

People working as waiters or cleaners do not receive a high salaries ==> People working as waiters or cleaners do not receive high salaries.