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Should dangerous sports such as boxing or motor-racing be banned?
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July 5, 2012
3:15 pm
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Dangerous sports such as boxing or motor-racing should be banned. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement? You should use your own ideas, knowledge and experience and support your arguments with examples and relevant evidence.

High risks sports for example boxing or motor racing should not be allowed. Rather than giving positive impacts to the society, dangerous sports give negative impacts to the society. This essay will examine the reasons why high risks sports such as boxing and motor racing need to be prohibited.

Boxing shows violence and physical abuse. Nevertheless, boxing show appears on televisions as well as children and young adults can see the boxing shows. Because of that, children may practice boxing in school and it is not proper. In my country there was an accident that two students in Jakarta, the capital city in my country who practiced boxing in school died. Children and young adult who see boxing show can get traumatic experience because they see the boxers bleeding and fainted. For the boxers, they can die or flawed for the rest of their lives. Overall, seeing physical abuse is not good for children.

Motor racing often calls Moto GP, people from many countries in the world train their skills to be racers in Moto GP. Although only few people who have chance to be riders, Moto GP never loose fans. Because there are many people who love seeing attractions in Moto GP. Many accidents have happened in the race, because Moto GP is an extremely dangerous sport. The latest accident which just happened last year, Marco Simoncelli, he was a good rider and he was still young when he died. We do not want to see any people or any racers died like Simoncelli. There are many options of sport which is still good to see but it is not extreme.

In conclusion, extreme sports need to be forbid. Dangerous sports make many victims. Otherwise, there are many sports which is not extreme that people can enjoy.

July 6, 2012
5:42 pm
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Hi Tashappleaddict and welcome to Writefix!

You’ve chosen to disagree with this topic, and your essay has a very clear opinion.

Your essay also has a very simple layout: your thesis sentence in the intro tells us that you are going to say why boxing and motor racing should be banned and that’s what you do in Paragraphs Two and Three.

You have just under 300 words, and your average sentence length is under 15.

So far, so good!

The things I would change in your essay  are

  1. having only two sports,
  2. having too much detail in Paragraph 3 -  it could really be much shorter, and
  3. not relating these sports together a little more

If you are going to argue 100% for or against something, I think it’s better to use a 35553 layout. Here you use a 3773 layout, with a body paragraph about boxing and another body paragraph about motor racing.

I think it would be better to have at least 3 sports –in other words, three paragraphs in the body instead of two. Read more about 3773 and 35553 layouts here.  

However, even better than more paragraphs about sports, it would be better to have each paragraph about a reason why extreme sports should be banned. There are many reasons: the danger to the competitors, the effect on children, the possible ‘barbarity’ of the sport (boxing, bullfighting, etc), the commercialism behind the sport, or our base desire for violence, etc. You could then mention many sports, rather than just two.

What is the relationship between boxing and Moto GP? Why did you pick these two? You have given good examples of each, but it might be better to suggest the relationship between these sports. Why are they so popular? What is in us that we want to see? Why do so many people want to compete? In your conclusion, you do answer this partly by saying that these sports have many victims, but it’s not developed.

What do you think?

I will try to look at specific grammar and other points later, or perhaps someone else can. I just wanted to see what you think about alternative layouts and organization.

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