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Should we depend on computers or should we be suspicious of their benefits?
Topic Rating: 0 Topic Rating: 0 Topic Rating: 0 Topic Rating: 0 Topic Rating: 0 Topic Rating: 0 (0 votes) 
May 21, 2012
8:09 am
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VIET NAM
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Dear everyone,

I am a new member at this website. Here is my first post, so i am willing to receive all your comments for my writing to improve it. Thank you very much!

best wishes,

 

Computers are used in many aspects of our lives from houses to workplaces. Without double, people are becoming dependent on computers. However, people should not be suspicious of their benefits in the modern life. 

Nowadays, computers are so popular that they appear in almost fields of life. For instance, people use computers in businesses, hospitals, and police station. In the future, computers will be more effective and intelligent. They may be more important to the houses than nowadays. They can do housework without people' requests. Moreover, computers may become advisers, who people ask opinions before doing anything.

Computers make people's routines easy and comfortable. For example, women do not need to go a long way to buy groceries for cooking. They can use home shopping on computers to buy anything they need. Using computers helps businesses to be more efficient. In fact, computers are extremely useful to analyze complicated data which workers are hard to handle. Computers are considered as a effective mean of communication. Many people are busy with their work and they do not have time for face-to-face interaction. Computers help people to make friends and have a talk with others through face book, yahoo or Skype. It is obvious that computers play a very important role in our lives.

Many opponents indicate that using computers have many bad consequences. For examples, computers make people lazy and lack of real communication. From my point of view, these aftermaths are from people, and not from computers. People should be aware about problems of using computers. From that, they use computers in the most effective way to better their lives.

In conclusion, computers are playing a dominant role in people' lives. Because their influence will continue to maximize in the future, people should have a view to computers in both negative and positive sides in order to effectively use them. 

 

..........move forward and succeed.............

May 21, 2012
4:42 pm
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writefix
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Hello Rose2802

Thanks for your great comments on Shieiuan’s essay!  As I said above I’m really impressed at the rewrites, and even more so by your ability to find parts of the sentences that are not needed. Well done!

Here are a couple of comments on your essay. I hope others add to them!

Overall the essay is clear, with an unusual 5-paragraph layout but clear central topics in each. The intro and the conclusion need the most work: The introduction could do with a better thesis sentence, and some sentences in the conclusion need editing. There are quite a few error-free sentences.

Typos

  • Without double → without doubt

Word Choice/Word Form/Usage

  • Computers may become advisers, who people ask opinions before doing anything. →

      

    Computers may soon advise us on many or most of our actions. OR

    Computers may become advisers who people can ask for opinions. OR

    People may even begin to use them as advisers and ask for their opinions.

       

  • Computers are extremely useful to analyze complicated data which workers are hard to handle. →
    Computers are extremely useful for analyzing data too complicated for workers to handle. OR 

    Computers can analyze data which workers would find too complicated to handle.

     

  • Computers are considered as a effective mean of communication. → For many people, computers are an effective means of communication.

       

  • Many opponents indicate that using computers have many bad consequences →

      

    Many opponents feel/believe/suggest/claim that using computers can have bad consequences OR

    Many opponents feel/believe/suggest/claim that using computers can have bad consequences

This sentence is not parallel, and has two ideas which are not developed.

For examples, computers make people lazy and lack of real communication.

Here’s a grammar fix:

For example, computers make people lazy and reduce/affect/prevent/ real communication. 

But the ideas are still not developed. Here’s a fuller set of sentences for these ideas

For example, computers make people lazy. Instead of doing something active, they slump in front of the computer, turning from page to page. They also prevent real communication.  People chat idly about nothing on Facebook instead of going to meeting their family or friends face to face.

  • From my point of view, these aftermaths are from people, and not from computers. → These problems are caused by people, and not by computers.
  • People should be aware about problems of using computers. From that, they use computers in the most effective way to better their lives. → In that way/By being aware/By doing this, they will use computers….

Rewording the question

I suggest using a different word or at least a different word form to the ones in the question. The word ‘suspicious’ was in the question: I might rewrite your thesis sentence to make it completely clear. I will also link it to the previous sentence.

In this essay I will show that while we benefit in many ways from computers, we also need to be cautious about being over-dependent on them.

Shorten

This is a 29-word monster with some unnecessary wrods and some reference and usage problems

Because their influence will continue to maximize in the future, people should have a view to computers in both negative and positive sides in order to effectively use them. 

Here's a possible rewrite:

Because computers will be even more influential in the future, people should be aware of their negatives.

Ideas, examples, supporting information

You wrote:

Nowadays, computers are so popular that they appear in almost fields of life

Is this a logical sentence? Which came first -  the popularity or the computers, or the fact that they appeared everywhere? Sometimes it’s best to just drop an idea quietly and pick a better one than to spend time trying to fix it. Here’s one possible replacement

 Nowadays, computers can be found almost everywhere.

Your example of the police station is a little unusual!  

People use computers in businesses, hospitals, and police station.

It’s true, certainly! But what about power stations, airplanes, the internet, banks, mobile phones, cars, tablets, offices, factories, shops, warehouses, or restaurants?  I thought we were going to get an example from the police, perhaps for fingerprint analysis or online databases of offenders. I’m glad you gave three examples, but perhaps a more mainstream or general one might have been better. Or you could be even more general:

  • People use computers at home, at work, and in their free time. OR
  • Computers control and manage our money, our utilities, our transport networks, our entertainment, and even many aspects of our homes.
May 21, 2012
5:10 pm
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Dear Mr Writefix,

Thank you very much for your comments.

I hope that you will continue to give specific comments for my writings in the next posts.

i like giving comments for others writings. if i have grammar, structures...mistakes when i comment others writing, please let me know. 

I am happy to be the member of your website.

best wishes.

..........move forward and succeed.............

May 21, 2012
11:08 pm
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Computers are used in many aspects of our lives from houses to workplaces. Without double(doubt), people are becoming dependent on computers. However, people should not be suspicious of their(its) benefits in the modern life.

Nowadays, computers are so popular that they appear in almost (every) field of life. For instance, people use computers in businesses, hospitals, and police stations. In the future, computers will be more effective and intelligent. They may be more important to the houses than nowadays. They can do housework without people' requests. Moreover, computers may become advisers, (where) who people (may)ask opinions before doing anything.

Computers make people's routines easy and comfortable. For example, women do not need to go a long way to buy groceries for cooking. They can use home shopping on computers to buy anything they need(Simplify it). Using computers helps businesses to be more efficient (repeating of content). In fact, computers are extremely useful to analyze complicated data which (is usually hard for) workers are hard to handle. Computers are considered as a (an) effective mean of communication. Many people are busy with their work and they do not have time for face-to-face interaction. Computers help people to make friends and have a talk with others through face book, yahoo or Skype. It is obvious that computers play a very important role in our lives.(content repetition)

Many opponents indicate that using computers have many bad consequences. For examples, computers make people lazy and there is lack of real communication. From my point of view, these aftermaths are from people, and not from computers. People should be aware about problems of using computers. From that, they use computers in the most effective way to better their lives. (In this paragraph you have to some extent weakened your stand by contraindicating your own points indirectly)

In conclusion, computers are playing a dominant role in people' lives. Because (Never begin a sentence with conjunction)their(Its) influence will continue to maximize in the future, (where)people (would have to primarily)should have view to computers in(to view) both (the)negative and positive sides in order to effectively use them.

{Divide paragraph according to content}

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