Thanks for your great comments on Shieiuan’s essay! As I said above I’m really impressed at the rewrites, and even more so by your ability to find parts of the sentences that are not needed. Well done!
Here are a couple of comments on your essay. I hope others add to them!
Overall the essay is clear, with an unusual 5-paragraph layout but clear central topics in each. The intro and the conclusion need the most work: The introduction could do with a better thesis sentence, and some sentences in the conclusion need editing. There are quite a few error-free sentences.
- Without double → without doubt
Word Choice/Word Form/Usage
- Computers may become advisers, who people ask opinions before doing anything. →
Computers may soon advise us on many or most of our actions. OR
Computers may become advisers who people can ask for opinions. OR
People may even begin to use them as advisers and ask for their opinions.
- Computers are extremely useful to analyze complicated data which workers are hard to handle. →
Computers are extremely useful for analyzing data too complicated for workers to handle. OR
Computers can analyze data which workers would find too complicated to handle.
- Computers are considered as a effective mean of communication. → For many people, computers are an effective means of communication.
- Many opponents indicate that using computers have many bad consequences →
Many opponents feel/believe/suggest/claim that using computers can have bad consequences OR
Many opponents feel/believe/suggest/claim that using computers can have bad consequences
This sentence is not parallel, and has two ideas which are not developed.
For examples, computers make people lazy and lack of real communication.
Here’s a grammar fix:
For example, computers make people lazy and reduce/affect/prevent/ real communication.
But the ideas are still not developed. Here’s a fuller set of sentences for these ideas
For example, computers make people lazy. Instead of doing something active, they slump in front of the computer, turning from page to page. They also prevent real communication. People chat idly about nothing on Facebook instead of going to meeting their family or friends face to face.
- From my point of view, these aftermaths are from people, and not from computers. → These problems are caused by people, and not by computers.
- People should be aware about problems of using computers. From that, they use computers in the most effective way to better their lives. → In that way/By being aware/By doing this, they will use computers….
Rewording the question
I suggest using a different word or at least a different word form to the ones in the question. The word ‘suspicious’ was in the question: I might rewrite your thesis sentence to make it completely clear. I will also link it to the previous sentence.
In this essay I will show that while we benefit in many ways from computers, we also need to be cautious about being over-dependent on them.
This is a 29-word monster with some unnecessary wrods and some reference and usage problems
Because their influence will continue to maximize in the future, people should have a view to computers in both negative and positive sides in order to effectively use them.
Here's a possible rewrite:
Because computers will be even more influential in the future, people should be aware of their negatives.
Ideas, examples, supporting information
Nowadays, computers are so popular that they appear in almost fields of life
Is this a logical sentence? Which came first - the popularity or the computers, or the fact that they appeared everywhere? Sometimes it’s best to just drop an idea quietly and pick a better one than to spend time trying to fix it. Here’s one possible replacement
Nowadays, computers can be found almost everywhere.
Your example of the police station is a little unusual!
People use computers in businesses, hospitals, and police station.
It’s true, certainly! But what about power stations, airplanes, the internet, banks, mobile phones, cars, tablets, offices, factories, shops, warehouses, or restaurants? I thought we were going to get an example from the police, perhaps for fingerprint analysis or online databases of offenders. I’m glad you gave three examples, but perhaps a more mainstream or general one might have been better. Or you could be even more general:
- People use computers at home, at work, and in their free time. OR
- Computers control and manage our money, our utilities, our transport networks, our entertainment, and even many aspects of our homes.