Hi Sval and thanks for this essay.
A big thanks to Alison for her comments.
I agree with her about the sudden jump in the third sentence of your intro. It would be better if instead of talking about sport in general in the first two sentences, you discussed athletes and their salaries. Give some background but get to the point quickly. So you wrote:
Sports events have been popular since the past few centuries. The sports industry has been seen as an influential and fast growing market. In this essay, my focus is on the justification of the earnings of renowned sports professionals compared to other important professions.
This could change to:
Athletes and sports stars are some of the richest celebrities in the world. People like Tiger Woods, Venus Williams or Jeremy Lin earn tens of millions of dollars a year. In this essay, I will ask if the earnings of renowned sports professionals can be justified compared to those in other important professions.
Alison has also spotted the other weakness in your essay. It's not your ideas - it's your topic sentences. Alison called them thesis sentences, but the thesis sentence is usually just one sentence in the intro, which gives the main idea and layout of the entire essay, while a topic sentence gives just the central topic or idea of a paragraph
- thesis sentence → idea and layout of entire essay. Usually the last sentence in the intro.
- topic sentence → idea of a paragraph. Usually the first snetence in each body paragraph
But her comment is absolutely correct. Your second paragraph (the first paragraph in the body) needs a better topic sentence.
As we know that, being a renowned sport professional is similar as being a star in the Hollywood. The time frame being in the industry is shorter than other professions. That is mainly because in sports, there is an age limit. Human bodies will degrade biologically as you grow older and thus the lucrative income lasts short. Secondly, that would be the stress and risks the sports professional face. Successful athletics have the name of their countries buried in them. A single wrong step will cause a career downturn in the industry forever. Hence, higher pay should be used to compensate it.
Here's one possible rewrite:
There are several reasons why sports celebrities should be well rewarded. First of all, sport professionals are similar to Hollywood stars. The time frame being in the both industries is shorter than in other professions. That is mainly because in sports, there is an age limit. Human bodies will degrade biologically as you grow older and thus the lucrative income lasts only for a short while. Secondly, there is the the stress and risks the sports professional face. Successful athletics have the name of their countries buried in them. A single wrong step will cause a career downturn in the industry forever. Hence, higher pay should be used to compensate them for this stress and responsibility.
Your paragraph would benefit from one more idea - always try to aim for three! However, I like the way you have developed and supported the ideas. Well done.
Your third paragraph has a good topic sentence. In your conclusion, be careful not to have new ideas(you mentioned government control of sports salaries - would this really be a good idea or would it be too much intereference). This might have been a useful idea to discuss in the body. You can read more about conclusions here
Thanks again to both of you.