Hi Absent Crisis and thanks for this essay.
Your essay is 277 words long which is fine for IELTS Task 2, but your average sentence length is long, at 23 words. Try to add some short sentences to lower this, or to break up some longer sentences.
This essay is going to discuss this issue and analyze whether we just lose this ability growing up or whether there are other factors that contribute to the decline in our ability to learn. (34 words)
Here’s one possible rewrite:
This essay will analyze whether losing the ability to learn is a normal part of aging or whether other factors contribute. (21 words)
It can be generally observed that children are not only much keener to learn something new, but also incredibly faster at mastering it. (23 words)
Children are generally not only much keener to learn something new, but also incredibly faster at mastering it. (18 words)
You have a 51-word monster:
However, this cannot be the only reason- there are many other contributing factors; such as: the increasing social pressures one experiences as he or she grows up, the lack of free time to spend on hobbies or recreational activities, as well as the lack of determination required to learn something new.
You really need to break this up! This is the key sentence in your essay, and you are asking it to do far too much work. Break it up, give examples, and support and develop each idea.
Have a look at the official descriptors for IELTS Task 2 Writing (public version) here, under Task Response, and look for the words ‘ideas,’ ‘developed,’ and ‘supported.’
Here’s one possible rewrite. It’s 98 words, but the ideas are more fully developed. And there’s not a semicolon in sight (I did slip in a quick colon, though)!
However, a decline in mental capacity cannot be the only reason. The biggest contributor in my opinion is the lack of free time. Long working hours, commuting, and social and family obligations mean less time to practice or study. A second factor is determination. Although adults might be expected to have better motivation than children, they very often give up once the gym or the new language or instrument becomes difficult. Yet another contributing factor is praise: Parents applaud the efforts of their children and help and encourage them. Adults often try to learn something without such support.
In conclusion, it is without a doubt that children do possess a greater ability to pick up new things that adults cannot match (23 words)
Here are two possible rewrites:
In conclusion, there is no doubt that children do possess a greater ability than adults to pick up new things. (20 words)
In conclusion, children are definitely faster than adults at picking up new things. (13 words)
Try to avoid padding. Content is king, not beautiful-sounding oratory or polished sentences. So remove padding and passives and orotund phrases and get more ideas in there. Don’t make one unfortunate sentence do all the work!
By removing some the unnecessary words and phrases you will be able to add more fully developed ideas, and still stay beneath 300 words.