Hi Ngo Duy Quang

Thanks for your essay! I hope I get paid double for reading 468 words!  As you say, it’s not an IELTS essay, so that’s fine.

I like the organization. Your ideas are laid out like this:

• Intro with a good thesis sentence (just needs some tweaks)
• Para 2: Agree 1
• Para 3 Agree 2
• Para 4: Agree 3
• Para 5: Disagree 1   (this one is a little too short. More definitely needed here)
• Conclusion: Repeat opinion

This meets the IELTS requirement in Band 7 of a ‘clear central topic in each paragraph. Have a look at the official IELTS descriptors for Task 2 Writing here, under Coherence and Cohesion. However,  if this was IELTS, perhaps you would need to develop Paragraph 4 to move to a Band 8  - in other words to be ‘sufficient.’

 Word Choice/Word Form/Usage

Everyday → Every day. These are two different words. ‘Everyday’ is an adjective, ‘Every day’ is something grammatical that I can’t think of right now but it’s two separate words.

• Accidents are an everyday occurrence on our roads
• This shampoo is suitable for everyday use
• 7/11 stores sell everyday items

But

• I see him every day.
• Every day, we read about accidents in the paper.
• He washes his car every day.

People make a lot of face-to-face communication → people communicate face-to-face                OR            Most communication is face-to-face.

when people face to someone, they can easily show their emotion → when people face someone, they can easily show their emotion

All of us do not want this difficult situation happen, especially it can break a relationship → Nobody wants this problem, especially in relationships.

direct communication makes people closed  → direct communication makes people close

 Shorten /Simplify:

• However, some people consider that letters, emails, or telephone calls should be required in the modern world that is developing continuously → However, some people consider that letters, emails, or telephone calls are more efficient in our modern world.

You wrote:

In contrast, it is believed that with face to face communication, we can trust absolutely all people say and your friends also understand your emotion clearly.

Why the passive phrase? Here’s one possible rewrite, made more parallel with some word order changes:

In contrast, with face to face communication, we can trust what people say absolutely and your friends can also understand your emotions clearly.

Thesis

You wrote:

In my opinion, face to face is always the best way of communication because of many aspects such as easily to take, easily to show the emotion and make people more closed together.

I really like what you are trying to do here. You are trying to ‘signpost’ the rest of the essay paragraph by paragraph - your thesis sentence is a summary of what is coming. Great!

Here’s one possible rewrite which has  a more parallel list, using adjectives:

In my opinion, face to face is always the best way of communication because it is simpler, more expressive, and more personal.

Word Choice/Word Form/Usage

You wrote:

 In contrast, other types of communication impede customers to take long and quality conversation 

I’m not sure what you mean, but I think it’s ‘prevent people from having long, meaningful conversations’

Verb Tense

You cannot sent or receive emails → You cannot send or receive emails

Not Only…But Also: BANNED!

I am now officially going to add “Not only…but also” to my banned list. Most people here on the forum get it wrong and most people I know don’t use it. So let’s eliminate it.

You wrote:

Not only modern technology has the disadvantage, but also common communication such as letters and telephone may take some errors. (21 words)

It's difficult to fix, and not worth the effort.

Here’s one possible rewrite:

This problem [of relying on technology] also applies to older means of communication such as letters and phone calls. (15/19 words)

Much easier and much simpler!

Ideas

You wrote

Not only modern technology has the disadvantage, but also common communication such as letters and telephone may take some errors.  To illustrate, letters based on the speed of transportation and wave also affect your telephone calls.

First of all, I have never liked ‘illustrate.’ It’s OK, but I just can’t bring myself to say it or use it. Secondly, let’s simplify this idea and its supporting sentence. Or do we need to? If an idea is very obvious, it may not need support.

Here’s one possible rewrite:

This problem also applies to older means of communication such as letters and phone calls. Letters are subject to postal delays, and some phone calls have to be abandoned because of poor sound quality.

Pronoun Agreement

these relationship does not last very long → these relationships do not last very long

Clarify

You wrote:

On the other hand, people who communicate by social network are not resourceful to deal with people and sometimes become passive.

‘On the other hand’ means an opposite idea, not another idea. ‘On the other hand’ means almost the same as ‘however. ’  I think you mean ‘in addition.’  Here’s one possible rewrite:

In addition, people who spend too much time on social networks may have problems relating to people in the real world.

Conclusion

Your final sentence is a little weak:

We are living in the developing world, so combining all types of communication is considerably important with any peoples.

Here’s one possible rewrite:

Combining face-to-face and modern types of communication allows us to interact with people in many different ways. However, we need to think about the purpose of our communication, and choose the right one for the occasion.