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Should jobs be guaranteed for life?
Topic Rating: 0 Topic Rating: 0 Topic Rating: 0 Topic Rating: 0 Topic Rating: 0 Topic Rating: 0 (0 votes) 
August 23, 2012
12:55 am
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Some people are in favor of job security for their entire lives whereas some are against it. I disagree with this statement that people should be given job guarantee for the life time. Guarantee should not be given as it will affect the competition, performance of employees and growth of the organization.

 

If job security is provided then employees will not give their best because they will not have fear of being sacked from the job. For an instance, my friend who is working in Public Sector Unit, keeps piling her work and chatting most of the time which is affecting the productivity of the company along with her own efficiency.   Further, once the person is hired for lifetime he lacks spirit for competition as contended with the job. However, on the other hand people on temporary jobs give their best and try to proves him/her better than others in order to sustain.

 

Moreover, the people with job security have very less interest or at times no interest to learn new techniques or skills in order to update them. For example, in Government hospitals doctors are just MBBS and not aware of new technology and research because they are contended with their job as it is permanent. Whereas, doctors in private hospitals are updated with new technology and research in order to sustain at their jobs. Additionally, business is an activity which is dynamic in nature. Therefore, it is necessary to hire work force which understands the present trend and produce what customers demand. So the people who fit in the present trend should be hired instead of continuing with old employees who are not suitable for present trend.

 

Therefore, to conclude I would like to say people should never be given guarantee regarding jobs as it affects their own progress due to lack of competition and willingness to learn new skills. As a result people should be hired and continue on their jobs till the time they are giving their best in order to ensure survival of the fittest.

August 23, 2012
6:14 pm
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Hi Cracktoefl,

 I prefered to rewrite your essay. As I dont know about word count in TOEFL my rewrite essay counts less than 250 words. Id really dont agree with some of your statemnets like hospital example , but I tried to use it.

Some people are in favor of job security for their entire lives whereas some are against it. I disagree with this statement that people should be given job guarantee for the life time. Guarantee should not be given as it will affect the competition, performance of employees and growth of the organization.

 

If job security is provided then employees will not give their best because they will not have fear of being sacked from the job. For an instance, my friend who is working in Public Sector Unit, keeps piling her work and chatting most of the time which is affecting the productivity of the company along with her own efficiency.   Further, once the person is hired for lifetime he lacks spirit for competition as contended with the job. However, on the other hand people on temporary jobs give their best and try to proves him/her better than others in order to sustain.

***************************************************************************** 

Some people may believe that a job should be secure, while others argue that this may cause some problems. In my opinion, job security would affect the performance of employees in workplaces.

 

It is believed that in places where workers are already ensured about their jobs may do not their best. It seems that this establishes complacency among employees. In such companies which workers have guaranteed jobs it is very likely to see that employees play card or chat much of the time. Moreover, once a person is recruited for lifetime, he or she lacks his/her motivation for competing. By contrast, people having temporary jobs are likely to try their best as they wish to remain in their positions more.

In addition to this, it is very likely that people having secure jobs feel less enthusiasm to update themselves on new technologies and skills. For example, in a public hospital staff either nurses or doctors know less than their colleagues in a private hospital about new knowledge. It becomes even worse when companies with those unmotivated employees wish to enter into such the competitive world.

In conclusion, I think employees should not be prepared to take a secure job, as it impedes their progress in learning new skills and knowledge. And companies also may be not able to stay in today’s highly competitive world.

***********************************************************************

There is one thing that Id like to share from my experience, I felt that the shorcut that probably elevates/improves your writing is Clarity. I mean keep your mind clear about what do you want to say. I think "clarity" brings accuracy , coherence, cohision and balance in response without you know .

August 25, 2012
11:02 am
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Hi CrackTOEFL and thanks for this essay.

A big thanks to Brian_mccclaine for his rewrite. He boiled your essay down from 340 words to 240 -  what do you think? You definitely need to shorten a lot of your sentences, and avoid empty words and phrases. Have a look here for some example, and Google weasel words, or empty phrases 

CrackTOEFL your essay is quite clear. It gives one side and has enough examples. However, I found the endless long sentences tiring to read, and I had to work hard to figure out what each paragraph is about. 

I am not sure whether in TOEFL you should agree or disagree only, or whether you should give both sides.  From looking at the TOEFL writing topics here, it seems that it’s fine to only agree or only disagree.

Introduction

You wrote:

  • I disagree with this statement that people should be given job guarantee for the life time.

Try to avoid this structure.  Drop the phrase “statement that.”  It results in very long sentences, and most candidates make mistakes with it.

Instead, rewrite it directly and give your opinion like this:

  • I disagree with giving people guaranteed jobs for life.
  • In my opinion, jobs for life are not good for either the employer or the employee.
  • As far as I am concerned, guaranteeing employees a job for life leads to poor productivity and less creativity.

You have a nice thesis sentence in your intro. You could make it even stronger by having the reasons in the same order as in the essay.

Paragraphs 2 and 3

Is the first sentence a topic sentence? If so it seems that the paragraph will be about “giving your best.” It’s not quite clear what the central topic of each paragraph is.  Try and be very clear – perhaps here you could have separated the ideas into

  • less productive employees
  • less competitive companies
  • less innovation and change

Have a clear topic sentence which tells the reader what the paragraph will be about.

Conclusion

Two very long sentences here -  the total is 61 words, which means an average of 30.5 words. This is far too long, and each sentence tries to say too much.

Try to have a variety of sentences lengths and styles -  some short, some long, or some with different structures. The two sentences at the end are very similar in style and structure. Short sentences have a lot of impact.

Your average sentence length is 22.7 words. This is far too long. Try to get the average to about 12-15 words. Writing is becoming simpler and shorter, and you lose your reader’s attention if you add many clauses and phrases into one sentence.

Here are some short sentences you could have used in your essay. Some could be used as topic sentences.

  • Guaranteed jobs mean less productivity.
  • Having a job for life allows workers to excel.
  • Employees do not benefit from guaranteed jobs.
  • Short-term contracts are not a good way to build loyalty.
  • Job fears cause stress among employees.
  • Without job security, workers will be reluctant to work well.

Word Choice/Word Form/Usage

  • the people with job security have very less interest → the people with job security have less interest  OR    the people with job security are much less interested
  • as contended with the job → content with the job

Punctuation

Don’t use commas to separate the subject (‘my friend’) from the verb (keeps)

  • For an instance, my friend who is working in Public Sector Unit, keeps piling her work

You would never write

  • My friend, lives in New Delhi

Avoid long sentences. They often lead to punctuation errors.  

Abbreviations

I have no idea what ‘MBBS’ means.  Don’t use abbreviations or acronyms, and if you are unlucky enough to get a topic in your field, don’t use jargon or a lot of technical words.

Shorten/Simplify

You wrote:

  • Business is an activity which is dynamic in nature.  (9 words)

‘in nature’ and ‘is an activity which is ‘ contribute nothing. Here’s one possible rewrite:

Business is dynamic (3 words)

You wrote this 35-word monster. Break up long sentences.

  • For an instance, my friend who is working in Public Sector Unit, keeps piling her work and chatting most of the time which is affecting the productivity of the company along with her own efficiency.   

Here’s one possible rewrite:

For instance, a friend working in the public sector admits to chatting and letting work pile up. This affects her efficiency and her department’s productivity. (25 words, 2 sentences, average 12.5 words per sentence.)

Overall, CrackTOEFL, be ruthless with your writing. Cut it back, prune it, lop bits off, consign entire phrases to the bin. You don't need to write 340 words  - aim for a maximum of 300 words, and make them effective.  

Have you tried writing by hand against the clock yet? 30 minutes only!  

Again a huge thanks to Brian for his rewrite of your essay. You will notice that he removed MBBS. I'm not so keen on starting an essay with "It" (in fact two sentences in the intro) but overall he conveys most of your ideas in a lot shorter time. 

There is no reward for writing more, and in fact, longer essays in IELTS often lose marks because of errors.

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