Hi Colin

Thanks for this essay. You seem to be working very hard!

Word Choice/Word Form/Usage

Watch out for the word ‘let.’ I noticed that you used it in a strange way in another essay as well.

• commercials simply let people to know their own demands → commercials simply let people know their own needs  OR commercials simply help people decide what they want
• some reasons for the high selling →some reasons for the high sales/

There are three parts of the essay that need some work.

Thesis

Make sure you tackle the question more in a thesis sentence. Get the keyword in there – in this case the keyword ‘advertising’.  Don’t change the topic! You wrote:

This essay will examine some reasons for the high selling of popular goods.

Here’s one possible rewrite:

This essay will examine the influence of advertising on consumer purchasing decisions.

Paragraph Two

The first idea needs re-organization or rewriting. You wrote:

Firstly, people have a habit of collecting goods information from advertisements. This is because these materials illustrate products in graphic detail through photographs and videos.

The phrase ‘this is because’ is not a very smooth or logical link (see Coherence and Cohesion under the official descriptors for IELTS Task 2 Writing (public version).  Are you just trying to say that ads are good because they give us useful information?  If so, this could be one rewrite:

Firstly, many people enjoy watching or reading advertisements. The photographs, videos and specifications in ads help them to decide which product to buy or if it meets their needs.

But I’m not quite sure this is what you mean, because the second idea in Paragraph Two is negative. You wrote:

Secondly, there are many misleading commercials that entice people pay for unnecessary goods. Some OTC drug producers, for example, exaggerate the effects of their products in the mass media.

To join this to my idea above, I’d need to change ‘secondly’ to ‘however.’

Paragraph Three: Puzzle!

In Paragraph Three you wrote that ‘high sales are also attributed to some social factors.’ Here I would not have put economic factors (the farmer and the Ferrari) under social factors. A topic sentence should cover all the ideas in the paragraph.

If you are answering the question:

Does advertising make us buy things we don't need?

...I would suggest one of the following two layouts:

Layout and Organization

Basically if you think no, you are not very influenced by ads and they don’t make you buy stuff you don’t want, you would have this layout:

• Intro
• Yes, advertising does affect some people sometimes  (e.g. kidneys for ipads, OTC drugs)
• No it doesn’t affect most people (social limits, economic limits, family and friends keep people sensible)
• Conclusion

If you think yes, advertising is too powerful to resist, you would have this layout:

• Intro
• There are some good things about ads  (helpful info)
• But advertising generally is dangerous and makes us buy stuff (kidneys for iPads, etc)
• Conclusion

What do you think? It’s a fairly simple Yes/No question, and the layout will depend on your opinion. I think your layout of ideas was not as clear as in your tourist essay, for example.

Hi Colin

Thanks for taking the time to rewrite. You essay is now under 300 words (good!) and has an average sentence length of  13.95 (fine!) and a clear layout. You have interesting examples and a good conclusion which summarizes your ideas.

One thing about editing is that it takes courage to rewrite: it's often not just a case of moving a few words or sentences around. There are a few things I’d change, but you’ve put enough effort into this essay already. Let's have a look at another one!

When is your IELTS test?