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Does modern technology make life more convenient or was life better when technology was simple?
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August 11, 2012
4:33 pm
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Does modern technology make life more convenient or was life better when technology was simple?


 

Technology is a gift for human beings. Technology exciting from thousands of years. There is an explosive revolution in technology in last 50 years. Technology plays a wonderful role in people’s daily life. It is impossible to imagine the life without technology nowadays.  In this essay, I will discuss how modern life changed human life.

There are several points which are going to show the advantages of modern technology. Firstly, technology helps to save time, money and material. At present time, all the factories, houses and other businesses are equipped with high tech machines, electronic gadgets. These products able to finish the complex task in few seconds. Furthermore, information technology make the life simple or convenient. Person can get  information about anything at anytime in few seconds with the help of internet. Globalisation of the whole world is occurring due to modern technology. It is very easy to travel any part of the world and even in space because of high technology.

 On the other hand, old simple technology was better for people. In the previous times people were more interested to learn the things by their own. In old times people used to have more leisure time than today. Life was safe according to social and environment aspects.

To put it in nut shell, Modern technology make our lives more convenient although it has some advantages and disadvantages on human life.

August 11, 2012
6:49 pm
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Hi guru

 

First of all , I should say that this question does not look like IELTS question ( The IELTS question is very likely to be more precise and focuses on a certain things and in most cases is mentioned to give your opinion)

 We can see the repetition in using of "technology" in introduction. This really reduces your score in terms of "lexical word" ": uses a sufficient range of vocabulary to allow some flexibility and precision" {official IELTS description Band 6}
 

In the first body paragraph you tried to hold your views and support them with some reasons that made your essay coherent. But in the second one you wrote your reasons hastily, seems you already ran off with ideas, trying to end up this paragraph. That may be considered low mark as what Official IELTS says in "addresses all parts of the task although some parts may be more fully covered than others" in Task response. {Band 6}

In the conclusion you did not well . When you want to put your idea even it is repeated in the previous parts, it would be much better to paraphrase it not simply put the question words in your intro or conclusion.

And last but not least try to reach at least 250. Your essay has 232 words that I think you will be penalized to it. Overall , I guess your writing is good and have a few grammar mistakes. And you need to have a plan before writing to gather ideas as much as possible to can better support your claims in less time.

August 11, 2012
6:49 pm
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Hi, welcome to writefix. Please paste the intro of the question here.

 

Technology is a gift for human beings. Technology exciting is popular for from thousands of years. There is an explosive revolution in technology in last 50 years. Technology plays a wonderful role in people’s daily life. It is impossible to imagine the life without technology nowadays.  In this essay, I will discuss how modern life changed human life.

 

The sentence seems creepy short. It doesn't work out in writing. You can just combine some sentences as a whole sentence. Just add and, or, but. The thesis sentence is not so good, it's the overdue structure in writing.

 

There are several points which are going to show the advantages of modern technology. Firstly, technology helps to save time, money and material. At present time, all the factories, houses and other businesses (what's the relation between houses, plants and business) are equipped (the verb is incorrect, house cannot be equipped) with high tech machines, and electronic gadgets. These products are able to finish the complex task in few seconds. Furthermore, information technology makes the life simple or convenient. Person (people, just one person benefit from it?) can get information about anything at anytime in few seconds with the help of internet. Globalisation of the whole world (repeated) is occurring due to modern technology.(the development of modern tech) It is very easy to travel to any part of the world and even in space because of high technology.

 

You used tons of overdue and meaningless pharses here. Cut it off. The sentences seem too easy and simple.

 

On the other hand, old simple technology was better good for people. In the previous times, people were more interested to in learning the things by their own. In old times (You said it before) people used to have more leisure time than today. Life was safe according to social and environment aspects.

 

To put it in nut shell(kind of oral english), Mmodern technology makes our lives more convenient although it has some advantages and disadvantages on human life.(What's the merits, you should write it down, vice versa)

 

Generally, this essay need to improve.

 

1.Some common grammar mistakes, it will ruin your whole essay.

 

2. Tons of meaningless pharses. The examiner will be depressed to read this and will cut it down.

 

3. The number of your essay is not enough. Only 232 words here.

 

4. The sentences is way too short.

 

5. The luxical is restricted. You use many words since we learnt in secondary school.

 

Best regards,

 

David

August 11, 2012
10:52 pm
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Hi David

Thank you so much for my essay correction.  it would be great help for me. Please give  suggestions how can i improve my essay up to band  7.  thank you once again.

August 12, 2012
5:56 am
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in recent years, technology has progressed a lot and it can affect dramatically on people's life and improve people ability to do their works easily. technology has penetrated in all parts of our life such as travelling, studying, working and many other sides.

the pace of this progressing have been increasing obviously and for elderly people who are unfamiliar to new technologies is hard to matching with them and they have to had a support to using them in their life. However, technology can improve our life in many aspects but it may devastate the relationship among people and might affect in social behavior of people particularly children who grow up in our society. totally, it's clear that if technology grows up significantly it might be harmful for traditional method of past people's life which can be cause of people separating and kind less in world.

In the other hands, we should control influences of technology to prevent disadvantages effects in our life and able to use technology more efficiently.

whereas technology can be convenience for people and play important role in our life nowadays, but it can become very hurtful.

August 12, 2012
8:02 pm
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Hey, dude.

 

Oh my! I lost my comment twice. My godness! I cant bear it anymore! Damn it!

 

I am not good at writing and I cant achive 7, anyway, let me just give a shot. Hope it ll work.

 

1. Combine ur short sentences. At least make the sentences a bit complex. After all, u r not 12 anymore.

 

2. Pay attention to the length of essay. Its too short.

 

3. Throw away ur meaningless and overdue phrases.

 

All I can do is just wish u good luck.

 

BTW, if it is possible, may i have ur spot of exam. I had read that u achieve 6.5 before.

 

David

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