Hi DavidLee and thanks for this essay, and a very big thanks for all the comments you’ve made on people’s essays over the last few weeks! I am sure they appreciate your hard work.
Your essay is on an interesting topic and you’ve given some interesting ideas.
I’m a little worried in the intro that you might have gone off topic. You wrote:
This essay will explain why the combination of the ethnics could improve the living standard of the underprivileged ethnics.
The topic is about how the entire society will benefit or not, not whether one ethnic group will benefit. Be careful not to change the topic in your thesis sentence.
Going off-topic is a big problem in IELTS –Have a look at the official descriptors for IELTS Task 2 Writing (public version) here, and look for the word ‘tangential’ under Task Response.
However, the rest of your essay seems to get back on track.
Opinion and Ideas
Another problem is opinion. You are allowed (almost required, in fact!) to have your opinion in IELTS. It’s an opinion essay, and the question asks you to give examples from your knowledge and experience.
What does ‘smoothly’ mean here? Do you mean in your country? From whose perspective? Is there another word you could use?
Word Choice/Word Form/Usage
- Some minority ethnic groups are not support and impede this tendency because they afraid the extinction of their characteristics. → Some minority groups do not support this tendency because they are afraid of the extinction of the their characteristics
- Ethnics → ethnic groups/ ethnic people/ ethnic minorities / minority groups. [Ethnic is an adjective, not a noun]
Passive sentences can be confusing as regards the subject of a sentence. You wrote:
- The inheritance of the culture and custom is jeopardized by the mixture of the ethnics.
Which culture and custom is jeopardized? One ethnic one? A minority one? All ethnic ones? The mainstream culture (culture of the majority?) It’s not clear because of the way passive is used in the sentence. Here’s one possible rewrite:
When different ethnic groups meet, the culture of one or the other can be jeopardized. OR
Allowing people to speak their minority language is a threat to mainstream culture. OR
Minorities must give up their culture if they want to be part of the larger society.
Here’s another. You wrote:
- Children are compelled to learn and speak the language which is popular and useful in daily life.
Which children? Many Bangladeshis and Sylhetis live in Brick Lane in London in the UK so does this make Bengali or Sylheti a ‘popular and useful language’? Who is compelling the children? The passive here hides the subject.
Here’s another sentence with problems with the passive:
- The religious belief is also influenced result in cultural homogenization.
I don’t know who is doing what to whom. Let’s simplify it by removing the passive and add an example. Here’s one possible rewrite:
Cultural homogenization also affects religious beliefs. Fewer people practice minority religions, or minority beliefs begin to include more elements of the mainstream religion.
- Despite the respect in appearance, education in school changes the mind of students gradually.
The reference ‘the respect’ is not clear. Do you mean physical appearance? You need to clarify this sentence or give examples.
After your thesis sentence, you wrote:
Another point is that this trend is irreversible.
Don’t add anything after the thesis. Either include this extra idea in the thesis sentence, or leave it out. I recommend leaving it out.
Not only/But also
Don’t use the not only/but also structure. Most students get it wrong. It’s wrong here:
Not only is the language, but also living environment is changing as well.
Use a simpler structure or just break it up into two sentences
- Most Mongolian in my country live on grassland in the past → Most Mongolians in my country lived on grassland in the past
- This is the reason why English becomes the compulsory curriculum → This is the reason why English has become/is becoming compulsory in the curriculum
Word Choice/Word Form/Usage
- achievement of the cutting-edge theories.
You can’t really ‘achieve’ a theory. Let’s change to
Having one language for all students increases comprehension and can lead to big gains in education.
- overdue and outdate dwellings → overcrowded and outdated/primitive dwellings
- It enhances the living standard and facilitates the communication. → It enhances living standards and facilitates communication.
Each ethnic should get rid of the shortcomings in their traditional behavior and accept the merits from other groups.
I know it’s an opinion essay, but there are a couple of points here.
First, you could soften it by saying that it’s your opinion. “In my opinion,…. ”
Secondly, very few ethnic minorities are going to accept that there are any ‘shortcomings’ in their behavior. If you moved to a new country or city, would you change your ‘shortcomings’? Which one would you change first? Thirdly, what is a merit?
I know I could definitely learn some good things from Scottish culture, like wearing a kilt, or from Masai culture, like drinking fresh cow blood, or, well, whatever. Is there a list of merits of particular groups we could consult?
Of course, IELTS examiners are far too professional to let opinions get in the way of their evaluation of your ideas! Hopefully, the person who marks your essay is not a shaman from a yurt in Ulan Bator!
Overall, avoid passives, don’t add anything after your thesis sentence, make sure you don’t change the topic and go off-topic, and try to look at your ideas through the perspective of different people with different opinions, or through your perspective if you lived in a different place. Your ideas themselves are not marked or graded, but your support for them is. Make sure you give examples.