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Do multicultural societies have benefits or drawbacks for a country?
Topic Rating: 5 Topic Rating: 5 Topic Rating: 5 Topic Rating: 5 Topic Rating: 5 Topic Rating: 5 (1 votes) 
August 10, 2012
7:05 pm
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Multi-cultural societies, in which where is a mixture of different ethnic groups, bring more benefits than drawbacks to a country. To what extent do you agree or disagree?


Today, the assimilation of culture and custom in different ethnics grows smoothly. Some minority ethnic groups are not support and impede this tendency because they afraid the extinction of their characteristics. This essay will explain why the combination of the ethnics could improve the living standard of the underprivileged ethnics. Another point is that this trend is irreversible.

The inheritance of the culture and custom is jeopardized by the mixture of the ethnics. Children are compelled to learn and speak the language which is popular and useful in daily life. Fewer and fewer individuals can speak their own language; therefore, the language has to go extinct eventually. Not only is the language, but also living environment is changing as well. Some residents are forced to leave their home. For instance, most Mongolian in my country live on grassland in the past, while they relocate to modern city now. The religious belief is also influenced result in cultural homogenization. Despite the respect in appearance, education in school changes the mind of students gradually.

However, the assimilation of different ethnic groups never stops over the several thousands of years. Developing the technology and culture is the irresistible trend. Each ethnic should get rid of the shortcomings in their traditional behavior and accept the merits from other groups. Communication without barriers is another advantage. The bonding of the language increases the possibility of comprehension and achievement of the cutting-edge theories. This is the reason why English becomes the compulsory curriculum all over the world. Improving the living standard of impoverished groups who live in overdue and outdate dwellings is also essential.

Although cultural homogenization would undermine the traditional culture and custom, it enhances the living standard and facilitates the communication. The world is changing constantly. We do not know the standard quo of our society if our ancestors did not allow the cooperation and assimilation with other ethnic groups. I believe that the combination of ethnics benefits our life.

Text Statistics

  • No. of sentences 23
  • No. of words 327
  • No. of complex words 54
  • Percent of complex words 16.51%
  • Average words per sentence 14.22
  • Average syllables per word 1.69

Hey, everyone, this is my today's work. Some problems exist in my essay, a bit long and I don't think the thesis sentence is good in my essay. I guess some common grammar problems are in my essay too. I am totally have no confident in my essay.

Although I can find some mistakes in some guys essays and try to fix and rewrite some sentences, it's different in complete my own work.

In order to improve my writing speed, I practice everyday. However, the speed is slow, I finish this work about 45 minutes. I know that if I don't paste my essay here and achieve the helps from you guys I would never imporve my score.

Anyway, thanks everyone.

David

August 11, 2012
12:49 am
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> Hey, everyone, this is my today's work. Some problems exist in my essay, a bit long and I don't think the thesis sentence is good in my essay. I guess some common grammar problems are in my essay too. I am totally have no confident in my essay.

Although I can find some mistakes in some guys essays and try to fix and rewrite some sentences, it's different in complete my own work.

In order to improve my writing speed, I practice everyday. However, the speed is slow, I finish this work about 45 minutes. I know that if I don't paste my essay here and achieve the helps from you guys I would never imporve my score.

Anyway, thanks everyone.

David <

 

Hi David,

 

I often check your essays. In terms of lexical resources, it's simply rich, but here and there I feel

you overindulge in using eye-catching vocabularies. If I were you I would try to enhance my

introduction. As you said you have some flaws in your thesis sentence. In my opinion, just

suppress "Another point is that this trend is irreversible." and your introduction is just fine.

 

Regards

August 11, 2012
8:17 am
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Hi, rshdwork (I don't know ur given name, so forgive me call u in this way)

 

Yep, the intro is my one of my weakest part. Coz I think in an essay just write 3 points for each. Thinking 6 points once is a bit different, so I will cost at least 5 minutes in thinking, that's why I write slow and long essay.

 

Thx for ur comment. I ll find ur essays and then correct mine.

 

Thx so much.

 

Best regards.

 

David 

August 21, 2012
2:44 pm
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Hi DavidLee and thanks for this essay, and a very big thanks for all the comments you’ve made on people’s essays over the last few weeks!  I am sure they appreciate your hard work.

Your essay is on an interesting topic and you’ve given some interesting ideas.

Introduction: Off-Topic?

I’m a little worried in the intro that you might have gone off topic. You wrote:

This essay will explain why the combination of the ethnics could improve the living standard of the underprivileged ethnics.

The topic is about how the entire society will benefit or not, not whether one ethnic group will benefit. Be careful not to change the topic in your thesis sentence.

Going off-topic is a big problem in IELTS –Have a look at the official descriptors for IELTS Task 2 Writing (public version) here, and look for the word ‘tangential’ under Task Response.

However, the rest of your essay seems to get back on track.

Opinion and Ideas

Another problem is opinion. You are allowed (almost required, in fact!) to have your opinion in IELTS. It’s an opinion essay, and the question asks you to give examples from your knowledge and experience.

Introduction

What does ‘smoothly’ mean here? Do you mean in your country? From whose perspective? Is there another word you could use?

Word Choice/Word Form/Usage

  • Some minority ethnic groups are not support and impede this tendency because they afraid the extinction of their characteristics. → Some minority groups do not support this tendency because they are afraid of the extinction of the their characteristics
     
  • Ethnics  → ethnic groups/ ethnic people/ ethnic minorities / minority groups. [Ethnic is an adjective, not a noun]

Passive:

Passive sentences can be confusing as regards the subject of a sentence. You wrote:

  • The inheritance of the culture and custom is jeopardized by the mixture of the ethnics.

Which culture and custom is jeopardized?  One ethnic one? A minority one? All ethnic ones? The mainstream culture (culture of the majority?) It’s not clear because of the way passive is used in the sentence.  Here’s one possible rewrite:

When different ethnic groups meet, the culture of one or the other can be jeopardized.    OR

Allowing people to speak their minority language is a threat to mainstream culture.  OR

Minorities must give up their culture if they want to be part of the larger society.

Here’s another. You wrote:

  • Children are compelled to learn and speak the language which is popular and useful in daily life.Brick Lane

Which children? Many Bangladeshis and Sylhetis live in Brick Lane in London in the UK so does this make Bengali  or Sylheti a ‘popular and useful language’? Who is compelling the children? The passive here hides the subject.

Here’s another sentence with problems with the passive:

  • The religious belief is also influenced result in cultural homogenization.

I don’t know who is doing what to whom. Let’s simplify it by removing the passive  and add an example. Here’s one possible rewrite:

Cultural homogenization also affects religious beliefs.  Fewer people practice minority religions, or minority beliefs begin to include more elements of the mainstream religion.

Clarify

You wrote:

  • Despite the respect in appearance, education in school changes the mind of students gradually.

The reference ‘the respect’ is not clear. Do you mean physical appearance? You need to clarify this sentence or give examples.

Intro

After your thesis sentence, you wrote:

Another point is that this trend is irreversible.

Don’t add anything after the thesis.  Either include this extra idea in the thesis sentence, or leave it out.  I recommend leaving it out.

Not only/But also

Don’t use the not only/but also structure. Most students get it wrong. It’s wrong here:

Not only is the language, but also living environment is changing as well.

Use a simpler structure or just break it up into two sentences

Verb Tense

  • Most Mongolian in my country live on grassland in the past →  Most Mongolians in my country lived on grassland in the past
  • This is the reason why English becomes the compulsory curriculum  → This is the reason why English has become/is becoming compulsory in the curriculum

Word Choice/Word Form/Usage

You wrote:

  • achievement of the cutting-edge theories.

You can’t really ‘achieve’ a theory.  Let’s change to

Having one language for all students increases comprehension and can lead to big gains in education.

  • overdue and outdate dwellings → overcrowded and outdated/primitive dwellings

Articles

  • It enhances the living standard and facilitates the communication.  → It enhances living standards and facilitates communication.

Opinion

You wrote:

Each ethnic should get rid of the shortcomings in their traditional behavior and accept the merits from other groups.

I know it’s an opinion essay, but there are a couple of points here.

First, you could soften it by saying that it’s your opinion. “In my opinion,…. ”

Secondly, very few ethnic minorities are going to accept that there are any ‘shortcomings’ in their behavior.  If you moved to a new country or city, would you change your ‘shortcomings’? Which one would you change first? Thirdly, what is a merit?

I know I could definitely learn some good things from Scottish culture, like wearing a kilt, or from Masai culture, like drinking fresh cow blood, or, well, whatever. Is there a list of merits of particular groups we could consult?

Of course, IELTS examiners are far too professional to let opinions get in the way of their evaluation of your ideas! Hopefully, the person who marks your essay is not a shaman from a yurt in Ulan Bator!

Overall

Overall, avoid passives, don’t add anything after your thesis sentence, make sure you don’t change the topic and go off-topic, and try to look at your ideas through the perspective of different people with different opinions, or through your perspective if you lived in a different place.  Your ideas themselves are not marked or graded, but your support for them is. Make sure you give examples.

August 22, 2012
6:44 pm
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Hey, Enda,

 

Glad you come back.

 

As u said about my essay, I dont like my thesis too, just like a thesis sentence has written down just as a duty for this essay. I have no idea how to write it when I was writing this essay.

 

Also, I think my essay is humdrum. It is not fun at all. I just try to discuss everything but never try to give any examples. This is apparently not what my English teacher told me before, however, a custom cultivited by myself. Changing a custom is tough. As you know, I used to write long sentences and just add overdued phrases in my essays. I try to fix it until now and it costs me a long time to finish each essay for a long time. Now, it is much better, I can complete my work on time. My point is that changing manner need time, but I dont know whether the rest 10 days is enough for me to change this problem.

 

If it is possible, can you help me to look at my new work. But you wrote on the top of the forum, we cannot upload our essays now. May I know how much band can this essay achieve?

 

Thanks a lot, I will try to fix my essay anyway. My goal is improving my English skills, not just aim for pass the exam.

 

Best regards,

 

David

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