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Should factories have to pay for pollution they cause?
Topic Rating: 0 Topic Rating: 0 Topic Rating: 0 Topic Rating: 0 Topic Rating: 0 Topic Rating: 0 (0 votes) 
August 6, 2012
3:01 pm
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This is my second essay on writefix.com, it seems too long but hope all of you will read and give me comment :). Thanks so much!

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Topic: Most pollution, especially air and water pollution, is caused by industry. If we want to protect the environment, we should make factories and other forms of industry pay of all the pollution they cause. That is the only way to make sure that the owners will make serious efforts to reduce the pollution. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Polluted environments have been drawing people’s attention. Some people argue that the factor leading the serious problem is industry. Therefore, the best way to limit the pollution is that government should force factories and other forms of industry to pay for what they cause. However, I firmly believe that there are other ways to deal with this issue.

In the first place, the policy of harsh economic penalties is much appropriate but it has not been strict enough to help factories find their responsibilities. Facts have shown that charges to compensate industrial organizations’ action are much less significant than the profit they gain. Hence, they might completely afford all fee punished. Furthermore, in some cases, these factories, for the sake of profit and reducing the producing cost, are willing to dump industrial chemical and waste into water resources as well as release gases and carbon dioxide into the air without any grudge. This might be explained that the action of violating law is covered by government officials who receive bribery from the factories’ leaders to amend the policy. We should also bear in mind that almost all policies are given when the incidents whose effects on environment are extremely serious had occurred for a long time. Thus, heavy fines are not the only option when they come to limiting pollution.

This brings me to the second point. In order to reduce the unconscious action of factories, the government should use more rigorous punishment for the pollution which industrial organizations cause. For instance, any organizations that exceed the allowance of pollution level will suffer the closure soon, instead of only paying penalties. Also, it is necessary to utilize some methods including raising campaigns to boycott the usage of products of companies which break the regulations or raising people’s awareness of consuming environment-friendly items more often. Equally important, all of policies must be forced to follow right from the scratch so that the rate of pollution is remarkably minimized.

To conclude, today environmental issues which are result of industrialization have escalated significantly. This requires the policy makers to give a strict punishment which hit out at the bad effects of the factories and other form of industry on environment. Unless law is implemented efficiently, human would not live in the polluted environment. 

August 6, 2012
11:09 pm
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My writing skill is not really good, so my red correct might be wrong. I think there are two problems with your essay. Firstly, some sentences are too long and complicated that sometime I can’t catch the main idea. Secondly, there are two paragraphs in the body part just pointing out your disagreement. The topic requires discussing both sides, so I offer you should have two paragraphs with contrast theses.

Polluted environments have been drawing people’s attention. Some people argue that the factor leading the serious problem is most forms of industry. Therefore, the best way to limit the pollution is that government should force factories and other forms of industry to pay for what they cause forcing them to pay for their polluted cause is necessary. However, I firmly believe that there are other ways to deal with this issue.

In the first place, the policy of harsh economic penalties is much appropriate but it has not been strict enough to help factories find their responsibilities. Facts have shown that In fact, charges to compensate industrial organizations’ action are much less significant than the profit they gain (the compensative expenses are less significant than the income they got) .  Hence, they might completely afford all fee punished (punished fee). Furthermore, in some cases, these factories, for the sake of profit and reducing the producing cost, are willing to dump industrial chemical and waste into water resources as well as release gases and carbon dioxide into the air without any grudge and keep releasing pollutants to the environment instead of treating them. This might be explained that the action of violating law is covered by government officials who receive bribery from the factories’ leaders to amend the policy (this sentence does not support the main thesis. If you still want to mention the corruption, I’ll suggest: Moreover, those factories are willing to bribe government officials through the penalty to cover their action). That’s why We should also bear in mind that almost all policies are given  just amended/passed when these incidents whose effects on environment are extremely serious had occurred for a long time harm the environment seriously. Thus, heavy fines are not the only option when they come to limiting pollution.

This brings me to the second point. In order to reduce the unconscious action (what is/are unconscious action(s)?)of factories, the government should use more rigorous punishments for their pollution which industrial organizations cause. For instance, any organizations that exceed the allowance of pollution level will suffer the closure soon, instead of only paying penalties. Also, it is necessary to utilize some methods including raising campaigns to boycott the usage of products of  which companies which break the regulations or raising people’s awareness of consuming environment-friendly items more often (I think this sentence is too long). Equally important (I prefer “Finally”), all of policies must be forced to follow right from the scratch so that the rate of pollution is remarkably minimized.

To conclude, today environmental issues which are result of industrialization have escalated significantly. This requires the policy makers to give a strict punishment to the factories and other form of industry which hit out at the bad effects for the impacts of the factories and other form of industry on environment . Unless law is implemented efficiently, human would not will live in the polluted environment. (At last, what is your opinion, agree or disagree?)

Overall, your essay uses variable vocabulary and paraphrasing. Your support sentences are good. Through your essay, i have learned many new words and especially the combining phrases.


August 7, 2012
3:12 pm
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Many thanks, Hai Tri! (U come from Vietnam :D)

I think "To what extend do you agree or disagree" sentence in topic means argumentative essay. So I only mentioned one side "disagree", then gave the other solution besides forcing factories to pay fines 

August 7, 2012
9:54 pm
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Thanks Ngoc Anh (Vnese, too :d). I had some misunderstandings with the topic's requirement. From now on, i'll change the body structure with this kind of question.

August 9, 2012
12:07 am
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Hi Ngoc.Anh

Thanks for this essay, and thanks to Haitri21493 for commenting!

Ngoc.Anh - your essay is 380 words long. You need to get this down to 275.  Any other advice I give you is pointless until we get the essay length down. 

Your essay rambles, has horrendously long sentences, wanders off in Paragraph Three, and needs to be pruned/lopped/reduced/boiled down/whittled down/pared down/condensed/ -  pick a word. You are throwing away your chances of a good mark in IELTS by writing in this wordy, overblown,over-elaborate style.

Really. 

Long essays = lower marks because of more mistakes and haste. Please practice writing by hand in 35 minutes. You will find it difficult to write 275 words in that time, let alone 380 words. 

Print out this sample IELTS Writing Task 2 Answer sheet from the official IELTS website, and practice writing by hand in 35 - 40 minutes. For most people, 300 words is about a page and a half. There are 20 lines on each side.

It’s important to practice by hand at least once or twice. Typing on the computer is not the same. You don’t have time to reorganize when you are writing by hand.  You have to get it right the first time. 

To get you started, here are two versions side by side. I have left not a single idea of yours out. I have removed all the orotund,fine-sounding and unnecessary phrases. Your essay is now 207 words long. It's infinitely better. Believe me on this. 

All we need now are some examples from your own knowledge experience, as the IELTS question asks, to bring you up to 270 words or so. 

Polluted environments have been drawing people’s attention. Some people argue that the factor leading the serious problem is industry. Therefore, the best way to limit the pollution is that government should force factories and other forms of industry to pay for what they cause. However, I firmly believe that there are other ways to deal with this issue. (58 words)
 
Some people suggest that the way to deal with industrial pollution is to force factories to pay. However, this essay will show that stronger measures are needed, such as such as boycotting manufacturers or closing factories. (36 words)
In the first place, the policy of harsh economic penalties is much appropriate but it has not been strict enough to help factories find their responsibilities. Facts have shown that charges to compensate industrial organizations’ action are much less significant than the profit they gain. Hence, they might completely afford all fee punished.
Furthermore, in some cases, these factories, for the sake of profit and reducing the producing cost, are willing to dump industrial chemical and waste into water resources as well as release gases and carbon dioxide into the air without any grudge. This might be explained that the action of violating law is covered by government officials who receive bribery from the factories’ leaders to amend the policy.
We should also bear in mind that almost all policies are given when the incidents whose effects on environment are extremely serious had occurred for a long time. Thus, heavy fines are not the only option when they come to limiting pollution. (162 words)
Topic Sentence: Fines and penalties have not worked.
 
Idea 1: First of all, charges have been too small to affect manufacturers' profits. If fines are too low, companies will ignore regulations.
Idea 2: Secondly, bribery and corruption are major problems. Some companies dump wastes and emit poisonous gases without fear of punishment because they have bribed government officials.
Idea 3: A third point is that at present only the worst cases of pollution come to public attention. Clearly, fines are not working to limit pollution.
(77 words)
This brings me to the second point. In order to reduce the unconscious action of factories, the government should use more rigorous punishment for the pollution which industrial organizations cause.
For instance, any organizations that exceed the allowance of pollution level will suffer the closure soon, instead of only paying penalties. Also, it is necessary to utilize some methods including raising campaigns to boycott the usage of products of companies which break the regulations or raising people’s awareness of consuming environment-friendly items more often. Equally important, all of policies must be forced to follow right from the scratch so that the rate of pollution is remarkablyminimized.
(107 words)
Topic Sentence: It seems that we need more rigorous punishment.
Idea 1Instead of fines, one approach might be to close plants that pollute. (example/more info  needed)
Idea 2: A second strategy could be for the public to boycott products from offending companies.   (example/more info  needed)
Idea 3:All policies must be enforced before plants begin to operate in order to prevent the problem from arising.
(52 words)
To conclude, today environmental issues which are result of industrialization have escalated significantly. This requires the policy makers to give a strict punishment which hit out at the bad effects of the factories and other form of industry on environment. Unless law is implemented efficiently, human would not live in the polluted environment.  (53 words)
 
In conclusion, pollution by industry has escalated significantly despite existing fines and regulations. Policy makers need stronger punishments to control rogue manufacturers. Without such action, our environment will continue to suffer.
(31 words)
August 9, 2012
5:13 pm
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Thank you very much, Mr Writefix!

Your remarks are really useful to me, now. 

I will practise writing by hand in 40'. 

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