I was hoping someone else might get around to commenting, but here goes.
If you have time, please write a few comments on other users. I know you have commented on Ramesh's essays and vice versa, but it's good to read a variety of styles.
Thanks for this essay. Here are a few comments. I hope you find them helpful.
The second sentence in your intro can be left out. It’s a standard tired phrase and adds nothing. (You can see more examples of tired old phrases and generic sentences here and here. )
Most people spend a major part of their active life at work, therefore job satisfaction is an important element of individual well being. Job satisfaction is always a controversial topic for many scholars. In this essay, I will outline the various factors contributing to job satisfaction and about the reality level of satisfaction in many workers.
Alternatively, you could replace it with a more original sentence giving more information or background to the problem
Your thesis sentence needs to be more parallel (in this case, verb + object, verb +object)
In this essay, I will outline various factors contributing to job satisfaction and describe the real level of satisfaction of many workers.
Here’s another possible rewrite which tells readers exactly what they will read about in your essay (based on your three body paragraphs):
In this essay, I will outline how your level of interest in your job, your salary, and your working environment contribute to job satisfaction.
The topic sentence for paragraph two seems to refer to the entire essay, not just Paragraph Two. You wrote:
People can be satisfied in their work in many different ways
Try to have a “clear central topic” in each paragraph (Have a look at the official descriptors for IELTS Task 2 Writing (public version) here, under Coherence and Cohesion). A clear short topic sentence at the start of each body paragraph which summarizes the paragraph helps the reader. Your other topic sentences in Paras 3 and 4 are fine.
Some problems with pronouns. See below.
It’s fine, but a little negative! Perhaps you could look on the bright side. It seems you are trying to do something you mentioned in the thesis. The conclusion is not the place, however, for new information. I would change it a little so that is summarizes the factors you mentioned in the three body paragraphs.
- Firstly,if a person is working in his field of interest,he findhis job interesting →
Firstly, if a person is working in his field of interest, he will find his job interesting. OR
Firstly, people who work in their field of interest find their jobs interesting.
- They became more satisfied when they get a chance to show their technical skills and abilities. →They will become more satisfied when they get a chance to show their technical skills and abilities.
They became more satisfied when they get a chance to show their technical skills and abilities.
The previous sentence had ‘he.’ This sentence has ‘they.’ Be consistent with the subjects and pronoun reference of each sentence.
The rest of the sentences in Paragraph Two have the same problem. They alternate between ‘he’ and ‘they.’
In Paragraph Three, you wrote:
Each of them should be satisfied with their needs in order to see the satisfaction in the worker's face.
Who is ‘them’? Who will see the satisfaction? Be very careful with the subject of each sentence.
Word Choice/Word Form/Usage
- when they feel they are doing something best of them → when they feel they are doing their best
- No matter how high is their position in an organization , they cannot be satisfied if their incomes are not enough to run their life smoothly. → No matter how high their position [is] in an organization, employeeswill be not be satisfied if their incomes are not enough to meet their needs. OR
Regardless of their position in an organization, employees cannot be satisfied if their incomes are inadequate.
- paying their children fees →paying their children’s fees
- fulfilling their life partner desires →fulfilling their life partner’s desires
- taking care for their parents →taking care of their parents
Secondly, all people do job to make money for fulfilling their needs.
This is mostly true, but not all people work to make money. Some people love what they do, and the money is secondary. Some people volunteer. Others are forced to work but don’t get paid, and many people don't work at all. The reason is unimportant: to avoid a generalization, just be careful with words like ‘all’ or ‘inevitable’ or ‘every.’ Here, just use ‘most people’ Have a look at the official descriptors for IELTS Task 2 Writing (public version) here, under Task Response and the word ‘generalizations’ or
Secondly, most people work to make money. (7 words)
People are more likely to be satisfied in jobs, where they work with passion in friendly way
The comma here is not needed. The final phrase is vital for meaning, so you don’t need to use a comma. If in doubt, leave commas out.
People are more likely to be satisfied in jobs where they can work with passion in a friendly atmosphere.
(Try to avoid ‘way’ and ‘thing’ and ‘stuff’ and other vague words.)
- After all enjoyment at work comes with satisfaction. →After all, enjoyment at work comes with satisfaction.
It’s better to have a comma in this sentence!
Another punctuation issue: make sure to have one space AFTER each full stop.
Overall, the essay is not too bad. Check your pronoun reference, and don't worry about using standard, generic phrase - you don't need them. Your organization is generally good.