Welcome back. You got your last essay in just in time!
Thanks to DavidLee for his comments. I’ve included some of his suggestions below.
Well done on reaching 259 words in (almost) the right time! Did that 50 minutes include your planning? Well done also on your topic sentences. They are clear and simple.
You have a sentence about television in Paragraph Three that I think should move to Paragraph Two (the paragraph about technology). As well as moving it, I would like to see another sentence supporting the idea or giving an example - how does the TV program help? Make sure you support your ideas.
More ideas would be good. Brainstorm like crazy before you start to write. Have a look at an example of what I mean here. You should cover the paper with related words, opposites, similar words; you should change verbs from the question into nouns, nouns into adjectives; adjectives into adverbs.
Don't start to write until you have SIX ideas. I think you have five, and I think one is in the wrong place (perhaps it isn't, but it needs more support).
Your opening is very complicated. You wrote:
- In connection with the relationship of families, a lot of people feel that this link is being diluted in this globalize society.
I like 'diluted,' but I don’t like the opening phrase and the awkward ‘this link’ reference. Here’s one possible rewrite:
Many people worry that relationships in families are being diluted in our globalized modern society.
Or why not just use an easy Past/Present opening?
In the past families grew up, worked and stayed together over generations in the same village or area. Today, however, …
Or you could use a One place/Other place
In many rural areas in Laos, families live as they have for centuries, with grandparents, grandchildren, cousins and relatives living and working together. However, life is changing, and in the cities, more people live alone or far away from their families.
You can read some examples of Introductions here.
Your thesis sentence could be used in a million essays. Try to make every sentence related to the topic. You wrote:
The reasons for that will be stated in the following paragraphs.
Here’s one possible rewrite:
I will show that technology and our culture are helping to maintain the bond between family members.
This sentence helps the reader because it shows the order in which you are going to present your paragraphs. It helps you to get the essay straight in your mind and keeps you on topic. It shows the examiner that you really understand the topic and that you will probably have a ‘clear central topic ‘ in each paragraph.
Word Choice/Word Form/Usage
- closure → closeness
- regardless the global changes in societies. → regardless of the global changes in societies.
- In addition, our relationships and ethics always assimilate family’s members firmly → In addition, our relationships and ethics always strengthen family members’ connections/bonds OR In addition, our relationships and ethics always bring the family together /link the family
- This paper will claim → This essay will claim OR I will claim [‘this paper’ is very formal. It’s good for a research paper or a long assignment, but not really for 250 words]
- as long as we regard our religion and morality. → as long as we respect our religion and morality OR as long as we regard our religion and morality with respect
- In societies, people are taught to love each other especially love our family-line. → In our society [you could specify here], we are taught to love each other, especially our family members.
- Lao New Year is one of those which all family members are supposed to gather and enjoy the event. → Lao New Year is a time when all family members are supposed to gather and celebrate. OR Lao New Year is an important celebration for family members.
- For instance = For example [ same - choose which one you like here]
- there are a lot of /plenty of/many religious events. [‘Many ‘ is more formal than ‘plenty of’ or ‘a lot of’]
These three are all correct:
- New technology helps maintain our intimate links.
- New technology helps to maintain our intimate links.
- New technology helps us to maintain our intimate links.
Overall, some good topic sentences, and some good ideas (more examples and ideas are always good!). Aim for a simple opening.