Nick, in your intro you wrote:
Today, some people maintain that the judgments and punishments should be fixed in the beginning. Others, however, advocate that every single case of crime should censor the conditions in the scene of the crime, and also should judge the purposes from the offenders. In this essay, I will discuss why people think that is important to set up the punishments beforehand, and significantly point out why the circumstances is necessary to the crime. (73 words)
You’ve used “some people” and “others” in this essay. It’s a very useful way of starting some essays. In this case, though, because the ideas are so long, maybe we could change. We could use two questions:
Should punishments for crimes be fixed? Or should every case be judged individually? In this essay, I will discuss why some people think it is necessary to have punishments, but point out why we need to consider the circumstances of each crime. (41 words)
Ideas and Planning
You have focused on one type of crime involving the parents of a murder victim - what about other crimes such as rape, assault, fraud, corruption, drunk driving, theft?
Word Choice/Word Form/Usage
- In present day → Today
- it is definitely essential → It is essential
- it is essential to aware → It is essential to be aware
Shorten and Specifiy
In present day, it is definitely essential to aware why we should fix the punishment for each type of crime.
This could be more specific and shorter:
- Most countries have prescribed punishments for certain crimes.
- Fixed penalties for various crimes are widely accepted.
Paragraph Two needs some reorganization and needs to be shortened to remove repetition. These two sentences need to be switched:
Some people suffer from parents' death, sadness and hopeless felling by losing parents. Many severe crimes are the causes to affect in society, namely murders, robberies and unpredictable crime action etc.
The paragraph could be rewritten as
Many people want to see swift, severe punishment for shocking or violent crimes. Families can suffer emotionally or financially for many years after a murder. It is natural for them to seek justice to alleviate their anger and sadness. The gap of a missing child, a sister, or a parent can never be filled, but if the criminal is caught and punished to the fullest extent, the family can obtain some relief.
Your third paragraph is clearer than your second paragraph. Why? What makes it work better? Is the ideas, the length, the sentences, the clarity, the examples?
There are too many ideas in these sentences:
On the other hand, individuals advocate that the conditions and sufficient evidences are both important to victims and criminals. It is beneficial to victim's parents and it accelerates the pace of the trail to sentence punishments.
Try to separate them and to give examples. Let’s eliminate some unnecessary words, and let’s divide the ideas into separate sentences. We will also fix some pronoun errors:
Clear evidence helps judges to decide. It clears up the events leading to the crime, and helps the victims or their families to fully understand what happened, if not why. It speeds up prosecution, so that victims don’t have to wait for years to see justice. It also removes doubt in the mind of the public. If the judge and jury examine the motivation and events surrounding the crime carefully, the legitimate rights of the guilty are observed. The respect for law will also increase.
One of the most important sentences in your essay is this one (slightly edited). It's a very good sentence.
A court of law cannot charge the criminal unfairly or without evidence.
But it’s in your conclusion! Why? A great short sentence like this should be in the body or the introduction, not sitting at the end! Don’t introduce new ideas in your conclusion.
This often happens when you are writing against the clock. The best ideas come when you have been writing for a while - but if you are writing by hand, it’s too late to reorganize your essay!
Plan, plan, plan! Don’t start until you have a clear idea of each paragraph AND your conclusion.
Here’s more new info in the conclusion:
Moreover, when the life more advanced, the way we cope with the major crime should be more sophisticated.
Well, this is an interesting idea, but how should it be more sophisticated? Is the way we deal with it now not sophisticated? What is wrong? Don’t hint, and don’t make us work. Tell us what you want to say.
The biggest problem?
Probably the biggest problem with this topic is that we need definitions and background. We need definition at the beginning in the intro, or at the start of each paragraph. What is fixed punishment? What does it mean to judge each case on its own merits? How much freedom should courts have to decide punishment? What is a widely accepted punishment for murder, or for rape or computer crime or fraud or corruption?
It’s a difficult topic, and I think some of your other essays were more successful. Try to keep the sentence length down. Have only one idea per sentence. Define your topic in the intro. Don’t add new info in the conclusion, no matter how good it is.