Thanks for this essay and welcome to Writefix!
Your essay is very formal. It’s careful and correct, and I wonder how long it took you to write it. It’s also the correct word length, at 259 words, but the average number of words per sentence at 17.27 (see the second readability link under “Useful Links” above) could be lower – try to reduce this to between 12 and 15 words per sentence.
Again the point that strikes immediately is the use of very formal phrases such as
- It is the opinion of others that
- The merits of
- Notwithstanding these opinions,
- I do not share these views.
- An obvious proof of this claim is
- I therefore completely and unequivocally reject the idea
- On the contrary,
- One’s education
You have used them correctly, something a lot of candidates for the IELTS exam fail to do. However, the result is somewhat stiff, and the accuracy of the phrases contrasts with errors in agreement and articles found elsewhere in the essay. It’s like wearing a tuxedo to a university tutorial but forgetting to change out of your running shoes.
What would happen if you left these phrases out? Let’s see! It’s a 250-word opinion essay, not a debate at Oxford, and you are allowed - encouraged - to say ‘I’ and ‘you.’
- It is the opinion of others that having education abroad is a good opportunity for a student → Some people claim having an education abroad is a good opportunity for a student.
- The merits of studying abroad is very considerable. → Studying abroad can have considerable advantages.
Word Choice/Word Form/Usage
- exposed on → exposed to
- A person also learn how to be independent → A person also learns how to be independent
- Most of graduates our country have had produced are highly competitive. →
Most of the graduates our country has produced are highly competitive OR
Most graduates in our country are highly competitive.
- One does not have to endure homesickness and hassle of living alone in a foreign land →
One does not have to endure homesickness and the hassle of living alone in a foreign land OR
You don't have to endure the homsickness and hassle of living alone in a foreign land.
- Adjustment period has never been easy → The adjustment period is never easy
- I therefore completely and unequivocally reject the idea that it is better to have one's education outside the country.→
I disagree that it is better to have one's education outside the country. OR
I think it's far better for most students to complete their education in their own country.
- He can do several things alone with less supervision from other people or significant others.
- Adjustment period has never been easy and it is also a struggle for both parties, the person himself and his family. → The adjustment period is never easy and can be a struggle for both the student and his family
Overall, the essay is well organized and ideas are developed. My suggestion is that 'one' should relax a little and try to keep a more consistent tone throughout. Watch out for basic errors which throw the formal phrases into sharp focus. Have a look at the IELTS Task 2 Writing Descriptors under the heading 'Lexical Resource.'
I hope you can use your skills to comment on some essays here! Have a look at new essays by Shuaishaui000, Katiss, and Brian