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Is it better to study at home or overseas?
Topic Rating: 0 Topic Rating: 0 Topic Rating: 0 Topic Rating: 0 Topic Rating: 0 Topic Rating: 0 (0 votes) 
May 16, 2012
1:50 pm
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Topic: Going overseas for a university study is an exciting prospect for many people. But while it may offer some advantages, it is probably better to stay at home because of the difficulties a student inevitably encounters living and studying in a different culture. To what extent do you agree or disagree.

 

It is the opinion of others that having education abroad is a good opportunity for a student. They believe that the advantages of earning a diploma in another country outweigh the benefits of staying in the native land.

The merits of studying abroad are very considerable. A person has the chance to be exposed on different ways of learning, ideas, and cultures. A person also learns how to be independent and decide for himself. This can give him a sense of pride and self- confidence knowing that he can do several things alone with less supervision from other people or significant others.

Notwithstanding these opinions, I do not share these views. I believe that education in our country has improved a lot and most  of graduates our country have had produced are highly competitive. Furthermore, it is much cheaper to gain a degree in one's own land. There is less tuition fee yet the quality of education is still good and highly effective. An obvious proof of this claim is the increasing numbers of foreign students in the country.In addition, one does not have to endure homesickness and hassle of living alone in a foreign land. Adjustment period has never been easy and it is also a struggle for both parties, the person himself and his family.

I therefore completely and unequivocally reject the idea that it is better to have one's education outside the country.On the contrary, I believe that learning would be more enjoyable if one is at ease and already familiar with his environment. 

May 17, 2012
10:42 am
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writefix
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Hi B_rock09

Thanks for this essay and welcome to Writefix!

Your essay is very formal. It’s careful and correct, and I wonder how long it took you to write it. It’s also the correct word length, at 259 words, but the average number of words per sentence at 17.27 (see the second readability link under “Useful Links” above) could be lower – try to reduce this to between 12 and 15 words per sentence.

Again the point that strikes immediately is the use of very formal phrases such as

  • It is the opinion of others that
  • The merits of
  • Notwithstanding these opinions,
  • I do not share these views.
  • An obvious proof of this claim is
  • I therefore completely and unequivocally reject the idea
  • On the contrary,
  • One’s education

You have used them correctly, something a lot of candidates for the IELTS exam fail to do.  However, the result is somewhat stiff, and the accuracy of the phrases contrasts with errors in agreement and articles found elsewhere in the essay.  It’s like wearing a tuxedo to a university tutorial but forgetting to change out of your running shoes.

What would happen if you left these phrases out? Let’s see! It’s a 250-word opinion essay, not a debate at Oxford, and you are allowed -  encouraged -  to say ‘I’ and ‘you.’  

  • It is the opinion of others that having education abroad is a good opportunity for a student  → Some people claim having an education abroad is a good opportunity for a student.
     
  • The merits of studying abroad is very considerable. → Studying abroad can have considerable advantages.

Word Choice/Word Form/Usage

  • exposed on → exposed to
  • A person also learn how to be independent → A person also learns how to be independent
  • Most  of graduates our country have had produced are highly competitive. →
    Most of the graduates our country has produced are highly competitive OR
    Most graduates in our country are highly competitive.
  • One does not have to endure homesickness and hassle of living alone in a foreign land →
    One does not have to endure homesickness and the hassle of living alone in a foreign land OR
    You don't have to endure the homsickness and hassle of living alone in a foreign land.
  • Adjustment period has never been easy → The adjustment period is never easy
     
  • I therefore completely and unequivocally reject the idea that it is better to have one's education outside the country.→  
    I disagree that it is better to have one's education outside the country. OR
    I think it's far better for most students to complete their education in their own country.

Unnecessary words

  • He can do several things alone with less supervision from other people or significant others
       
  • Adjustment period has never been easy and it is also a struggle for both parties, the person himself and his family. → The adjustment period is never easy and can be a struggle for both the student and his family

Overall, the essay is well organized and ideas are developed. My suggestion is that 'one' should relax a little and try to keep a more consistent tone throughout. Watch out for basic errors which throw the formal phrases into sharp focus.  Have a look at the IELTS Task 2 Writing Descriptors under the heading 'Lexical Resource.'

I hope you can use your skills to comment on some essays here! Have a look at new essays by Shuaishaui000, Katiss, and Brian

May 17, 2012
1:01 pm
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Hi Mr. writefix,

  

Thanks for the comments and suggestions!!! I'll be having my exam next week and I'm getting anxious already.. I hope i can make it.. Anyway, do you think i can have at least 7 in this kind of essay? i really need to have at least 7 in all the sub tests.. 

Again thank you!!! God Bless!

May 19, 2012
9:03 am
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writefix
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Hi b_rock09!

Thank you! I hope the exam goes well for you. Please come back and post your results good bad or wonderful in the Results forum!

Your question about Band 7 is the same as Guru asked, so I’ll repeat here: I don’t see why not – it’s a good band to aim for! Have a look at my reply to Yokama for what you need to have in each of the four areas (Task Response, Cohesion Vocab, and Grammar)  you will be marked on

http://writefix.com/?page_id=2722/about-this-forum/childrengames-sports-social-activities-learning-1-are-under-increasing-educational-social-and-financial-stress-some-people-think-this-is-a-positive-development-do-you-agree-1#p854

In short, the key characteristics for a Band 7 according to the public IELTS descriptors for Writing Task 2 are

  • addresses all parts of the task
  • presents a clear position throughout the response
  • logically organizes information and ideas;
  • uses a sufficient range of vocabulary to allow some flexibility and precision
  • produces frequent error-free sentences

As you can see, it’s not so impossible. So have a look at the descriptors (IELTS Task 2 official public descriptors) and decide what your strengths and weaknesses are!

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