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Work or continue higher education after graduation?
Topic Rating: 0 Topic Rating: 0 Topic Rating: 0 Topic Rating: 0 Topic Rating: 0 Topic Rating: 0 (0 votes) 
April 16, 2012
11:25 pm
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Ha Noi, Vietnam
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March 17, 2012
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(This essay is the situation in Vietnam :D)

After many years studying in college or university, students approach one of the most memorable moments in their life, the graduation. However, according to a research of the ministry of education, there are only 37 percent of students who could find jobs after graduation. Moreover, these minority stands before 2 choices: going to work or continuing with higher education. In my opinion, starting a job right after graduation offers a wide range of benefits.

First of all, some kinds of master education such as MBA require the applicants at least 2 years of working. Apparently, students need to have some experiences to follow the higher level of education. On the other hand, after working for some years, students can understand their real ability and which fields they are the best. For instance, the education system in Vietnam offers students a large amount of theoretical knowledge, so when they start working, students find a lot of difficulties and they even have to be trained again. As a result, working help students find out which they need to improve and then continue with higher education.

Secondly, some students couldn’t afford the fee for master education, especially in foreign countries. As we have known, students in Vietnam always hope to study abroad for higher education so that they can have the best and the most modern education. However, studying abroad requires a lot of money such as transportation fee, accommodation fee and studying fee. As a consequence, students need some years to accumulate enough both money and experience.

In conclusion, while it might be argued that continuing with higher education after graduation help students follow the flow of knowledge, the truth is that going to work offers a lot of advantages. However, each student has their own choices and they should try their best with their decision.

April 18, 2012
3:39 pm
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writefix
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Hello ndq_quang and thanks for this essay!

Overall it's a clear and well-argued essay. Let's remove some repetition or unnecessary words!

Introduction

In your 74-word intro, you wrote

After many years studying in college or university, students approach one of the most memorable moments in their life, the graduation. However, according to a research of the ministry of education, there are only 37 percent of students who could find jobs after graduation. Moreover, these minority stands before 2 choices: going to work or continuing with higher education. In my opinion, starting a job right after graduation offers a wide range of benefits.

I really like the first sentence.

The next one, however, needs some work. Don’t use figures or quotes. That’s been tested already in Task 1. Don’t quote psychologists, scientists, religious leaders, your friend, your aunt, leading researchers, eminent writers  -  don’t quote anyone. Don’t use figures or percentages. Just give the information with one word -  ‘some’ or ‘many’ and then get on with the YOUR ideas and YOUR opinions. That’s what the prompt asked for.

Moreover is not used correctly here. Write numbers less than ten in full, e.g. eight, not 8.  I also think we should leave the detail about the small number to another paragraph

Let’s rewrite the intro based on this

After many years studying in college or university, students approach one of the most memorable moments in their life, graduation. They now have two choices: going to work or continuing with higher education. In my opinion, finding a job is the better choice.

49 words, three sentences.

Word Order/Shorten/Omit

  • First of all, some kinds of master education such as MBA require the applicants at least 2 years of working.
    First of all, some MBA programs require at least 2 years work experience from applicants. OR
  • First of all, some MBA programs require applicants to have at least 2 years work experience. OR
  • First of all, some MBA programs require at least 2 years work experience.

Omit completely

Apparently, students need to have some experiences to follow the higher level of education.

Conclusion

Here’s another sentence that would be better if shortened.

In conclusion, while it might be argued that continuing with higher education after graduation help students follow the flow of knowledge, the truth is that going to work offers a lot of advantages.

I’ve also added a summary of your ideas. Try to be specific and summarize in your conclusion!

In conclusion, while higher education might help maintain the momentum for studying,  going to work can give practical experience and much-needed income.

Thanks again for this essay. Perhaps you could look at the other essay you posted and see if some unnecessary words and sentences could be removed!

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