Hello ndq_quang and thanks for this essay!
Overall it's a clear and well-argued essay. Let's remove some repetition or unnecessary words!
In your 74-word intro, you wrote
After many years studying in college or university, students approach one of the most memorable moments in their life, the graduation. However, according to a research of the ministry of education, there are only 37 percent of students who could find jobs after graduation. Moreover, these minority stands before 2 choices: going to work or continuing with higher education. In my opinion, starting a job right after graduation offers a wide range of benefits.
I really like the first sentence.
The next one, however, needs some work. Don’t use figures or quotes. That’s been tested already in Task 1. Don’t quote psychologists, scientists, religious leaders, your friend, your aunt, leading researchers, eminent writers - don’t quote anyone. Don’t use figures or percentages. Just give the information with one word - ‘some’ or ‘many’ and then get on with the YOUR ideas and YOUR opinions. That’s what the prompt asked for.
Moreover is not used correctly here. Write numbers less than ten in full, e.g. eight, not 8. I also think we should leave the detail about the small number to another paragraph
Let’s rewrite the intro based on this
After many years studying in college or university, students approach one of the most memorable moments in their life, graduation. They now have two choices: going to work or continuing with higher education. In my opinion, finding a job is the better choice.
49 words, three sentences.
- First of all, some kinds of master education such as MBA require the applicants at least 2 years of working. →
First of all, some MBA programs require at least 2 years work experience from applicants. OR
- First of all, some MBA programs require applicants to have at least 2 years work experience. OR
- First of all, some MBA programs require at least 2 years work experience.
Apparently, students need to have some experiences to follow the higher level of education.
Here’s another sentence that would be better if shortened.
In conclusion, while it might be argued that continuing with higher education after graduation help students follow the flow of knowledge, the truth is that going to work offers a lot of advantages.
I’ve also added a summary of your ideas. Try to be specific and summarize in your conclusion!
In conclusion, while higher education might help maintain the momentum for studying, going to work can give practical experience and much-needed income.
Thanks again for this essay. Perhaps you could look at the other essay you posted and see if some unnecessary words and sentences could be removed!