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Should government support the arts or not ?
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July 24, 2012
3:47 pm
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Some people argue that the government should support the funds for the arts, while some other people suggest that the money should be used for public health and education. Discuss


Intro:

A growing number of people love to enjoy the beauty of the arts by going to gallery, listening opera and appreciating paintings. They maintain that the government should allocate a sum of budget to supporting the arts. However, others argue that health and education resources are limited so the money should be spent in these arrears. In my opinion, government funding is essential for promoting the arts, but it should be based on the premise that basic human needs have been met.

 

MB1:

Adequate medical service and education are essential for individuals and society. For one thing, the enjoyment of highest attainable standard of health care and education are two of the fundamental rights of every human being regardless of economic and social conditions. These rights generate an obligation or duty for the government to ensure that the good medical service and education are provided out of public purse. For another, these two services could also ensure that there are enough healthy and competent workers making contribution to society. Therefore, the government should prioritize these two significant fields.

MB2:

However, the government should not neglect the importance of the arts and should also invest in them. Firstly, the arts can help people to relieve stress. For example, listening to opera or appreciating famous paintings can ease people’s minds. In addition, not everyone can afford those famous paintings so the government should invest in museum. As a result, people could enjoy some valuable art works in the museum.

MB2': ( I wrote MB2 in other way. Which one is better?)

However, some people argue that the government should not neglect the importance of the arts. The arts can help people to relieve stress. For example, listening to opera or appreciating famous paintings can ease people’s minds. Nevertheless, they fail to take into account that public health and education are far more important than the arts. Without a healthy body, most people do not want to go to gallery of opera hall. Without proper education, people may find it hard to get a reasonable career so that they cannot have extra money to pay for beautiful paintings.

Conclusion:

To conclude, the government could allocate the arts with the premise that basic requirements of health care and education have already been met. Consequently, the public can enjoy a better life.

July 24, 2012
6:59 pm
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Hi Allen,

Well done! The argument is easy to follow with a wide range of vocabulary structure.

I think the paragraph "MB2" is better because in the paragraph MB2', you presented two contrasting viewpoints. In my opinion, this paragraph should only talk about the importance of art because you had presented the benefits of health and education in the previous paragraph. This can keep your ideas balanced. 

That is only my opinion. Hope that helps!

July 24, 2012
8:37 pm
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thaxxxxx  ^_^

July 25, 2012
2:53 pm
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Hi Allen

I like your introduction. You have given the situation and some examples to show that you really understand the situation.  Well done!

Word Choice/Word Form/Usage

  • health and education resources are limited so the money should be spent in these arrears.  → health and education resources are limited so the money should be spent in these areas.
  • For another, these two services could also ensure that there are enough healthy and competent workers making contribution to society.  →These also ensure that there are enough healthy and competent workers to contribute to society.  OR making a contribution

Clarify

You wrote:

Without proper education, people may find it hard to get a reasonable career so that they cannot have extra money to pay for beautiful paintings →

The link is not quite clear. I’m also not sure about the idea: not many people can ever afford beautiful paintings

Here’s one possible rewrite. I’ve made it more general.

Without proper education, people may find it hard to get job with enough money to allow them to spend money on art.  OR  Without proper education, people may find it hard to get job with enough money to allow them to spend money on art.

Layout and ideas

I agree with Tommy -  I prefer the first version of MB2. Both versions are OK, but your first one has one clear idea throughout, rather than changing half way through.

Shorten/Simplify

Here’s a 30-word sentence which could be shorter:

For one thing, the enjoyment of highest attainable standard of health care and education are two of the fundamental rights of every human being regardless of economic and social conditions.

Here’s one possible rewrite:

For one thing, good health care and education are fundamental rights for all. (13 words)

Here’s another fairly long (25-word) sentence:

These rights generate an obligation or duty for the government to ensure that the good medical service and education are provided out of public purse.

Here’s one possible rewrite:

Governments have an obligation [to their citizens] to provide good medical care and education  (11 words/14 words)

Overall

Your ideas are fine, but a few more ideas and some more examples would help. See if you can eliminate any unnecessary words from your sentences. Sometimes the meaning can be clear with fewer words.

Thanks again for your essay and thanks Tommy for the comments. I like the idea of trying out one or two different versions of a paragraph.

July 25, 2012
6:12 pm
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Hi Enda,

Thanks for your help.

With your help, I think I've improved a lot.I will take IELTS 3 days later.  I hope I can get a reasonable scores.

Thanks again. ^_^

July 30, 2012
7:30 am
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Good luck and please come back and tell us how you did!

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