Hi Aviko and thanks for this essay!
Are you a medical student or a doctor by any chance? You have given the readers a lot of information about some heart conditions!
Your essay is 246 words long (good!), has 16 sentences (ok - you could add some short sentences and go up to 20 or so sentences) and 15.38 words per sentence (hmmm - it’s ok - but you should aim to keep this number between 12-15).
Here’s one more number though, from the readability tool at http://www.read-able.com (you can find it under “Useful Links” at the top of the page): the percentage of complex words is 22.36%. This is very, very high, and it’s due to the high number of technical words and phrases you have used.
It’s great if an IELTS essay topic falls within your experience of work or study, but there is a danger that you can be too technical and leave the reader behind. The non-expert reader may not understand all the technical points. Remember, it’s an opinion essay, not a scientific paper.
Let’s try to replace some of the more complex terms with simpler ones.
Nowadays medicine can treat many diseases. But most diseases are connected with diet and lifestyle. We know that obesity, smoking and a passive lifestyle are the main reasons for heart disease. So, which is easier, to treat these conditions or prevent them?
Of course, treating heart conditions is important, but it is expensive. Major surgery can cost tens of thousands of dollars. Unfortunately this surgery is no guarantee against future heart attacks. Patients must change their diet and life styles after surgery. They require a lot of medicine to prevent reoccurrences and treat side-effects..
On the other hand, following health advice on the dangers of smoking and obesity can really decrease the number of serious heart conditions. Quitting smoking drops the risk of heart problems by a quarter. Low-fat diets can sharply reduce weight and cholesterol. Moreover, changing diet and lifestyles is cheaper for both governments and patients.
Therefore, in my opinion governments must spend more money to prevent diseases and create a healthy population.
Have a look at the Before (your essay) and After (a suggested rewrite). The second one is easier to read, as measured by several indexes. However, it is only 167 words! What happened?
Well it seems that when the long complicated words were boiled down, there wasn’t much left. But here’s the advantage - if you write simply, you can get more ideas across. You now have an additional 80 words in which to give your ideas.
Remember, it’s an opinion essay, not a technical or a scientific paper. In an exam situation, unless it’s an open-book exam, you won’t have access to figures or data. In any case that is covered in Task 1.
Task 2 is a test of your ability to write for a general readership. Yes, admittedly not a high school student, but using high school students reading ability as a guideline is a reasonable test of difficulty.