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Should governments make more effort to promote alternative sources of energy?
Topic Rating: 5 Topic Rating: 5 Topic Rating: 5 Topic Rating: 5 Topic Rating: 5 Topic Rating: 5 (2 votes) 
August 14, 2012
3:24 am
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Governments should make more effort to promote alternative sources of energy.  To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?  Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.


Energy is the most important topic in the twenty first century.  Many nations regardless of being from the first world countries or the second world, have an ever increasing reliance on sources of energy. The threat of energy shortage, environmental considerations and the imperils of being dependent to certain countries, which are the major suppliers of energy, encourages us to search for new sources of energy more than ever.

Obviously, taking steps towards new sources of energy is not always and easy task. Most importantly because there are several opposition views against this movement. Evidently, the cost of enhancing the production and consumption of new energies is remarkably high. Additionally, the necessary technology for this purpose is immature and the whole topic still needs high volume of research and study. As a result, the overall cost related to new energies is high comparing to legacy energies. Adapting societies  who are used to legacy energies, to the modern energy sources is also another hindrance.

But non of this reasons shall stop the governments from promoting alternative energy sources. Firstly because sooner or later we run out of legacy sources such as oil or coal and the consequences are catastrophic. It will be a huge global turmoil if the flow of energy stops even for a single day. Secondly, many nations have a strong dependency on countries with legacy sources of energy which makes their political or economical situation quite unsustainable and fragile. As a matter of fact, these nations shall search for new energies in a restless fashion. Lastly, not all legacy sources are environmentally friendly in contrast with new sources such as wind energy. For this reason, also it is favorable to acquire alternative sources of energy.

To sum up, although there exists many forces against promotion of new energies, we should overcome the problems towards this point ,and embrace the idea. If we do not act soon, we sure end up with energy shortage disaster, more damages to the environment and an annoying dependency on aliens.

August 14, 2012
12:58 pm
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hi,

After going through your essay i can say i liked your reasoning but it lacks bit clarity which u can do by giving appropriate examples where ever possible which will make your essay better and also increase the length. For e.g

Why should Govt make more effort to promote alternative sources of energy?

Govt is responsible for the development and welfare of its people therefore should make efforts and also for the following reasons:

1) Because sources of energy we have are not eco-friendly -cause pollution example - acid rain, global warming

2) they are not renewable and limited so in near future we need alternative thats why research are going on to make vehicle run by Hydrogen which is abundant and can be produced through other sources.

3) reduce the dependency on other Nations for such sources and at the same time reduce the probability of having war for such sources - e.g. USA dependent on Saudi Arabia, etc.

4) WHy government should make efforts and not any private body - because finding alternative source of energy requires huge investment which cannot be done by any private company etc.

finally conclusion.

Please let me know if you find this useful.

August 14, 2012
8:20 pm
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Energy is the most important topic in the twenty first century.  Many nations regardless of being from the first world countries or the second world, have an ever increasing reliance on sources of energy. The threat of energy shortage, environmental considerations and the imperils of being dependent to certain countries, which are the major suppliers of energy,(actually, I think this sentence could be shorten) encourages us to search for new sources of energy more than ever.

Obviously, taking steps towards new sources of energy is not always and easy task. Most importantly because there are several opposition views against this movement. Evidently, the cost of enhancing the production and consumption of new energies is remarkably high. Additionally, the necessary technology for this purpose is immature and the whole topic still needs high volume of research and study. As a result, the overall cost related to new energies is high comparing to legacy energies. Adapting societies  who are used to consume legacy energies, to the modern energy sources is also another hindrance. some form of words are overuse. (adv.)

But non of thisese reasons shall stop the governments from promoting alternative energy sources. Firstly, because sooner or later we run out of legacy sources such as oil or coal and the consequences are catastrophic. It will be a huge global turmoil if the flow of energy stops even (though just) for a single day. Secondly, many nations have a strong dependency on countries with legacy sources of energy which makes their political or economical situation quite unsustainable and fragile. As a matter of fact, these nations shall search for new energies in a restless fashion. Lastly, not all legacy sources are environmentally friendly in contrast with new sources such as wind energy. For this reason, also it is favorable to acquire alternative sources of energy.

To sum up, although there exists many forces against promotion of new energies, we should overcome the problems towards this point ,and embrace the idea. If we do not act soon, we sure end up with energy shortage disaster, more damages to the environment and an annoying dependency on aliens.

 

hey, dude, apparently, ur skills are way overpass me. Idea and grammar is good, just one thing.

 

u repeat the same structure of word constantly, i use the yellow pen to make it clear.

 

Best regards,

 

David

August 14, 2012
10:21 pm
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Hi guys,

Having more supportive examples and using a variety of sentence structures are

what I learned from your comments. Thank you.

 

I've a problem with the Three Ideas rule. In fact, if I want to include three ideas in

each paragraph, I will likely run out of time.

I wonder how I can have three ideas plus supporting examples in each paragraph

and pack the essay at a maximum of 300 words.

 

Another point is about using a variety of grammar structures. I feel I can't utilize

several tenses because most of essays need a dialogue in present tense. What

else can I do to enrich my essay in terms of grammar?

 

Thank you guys,

Vincent

August 15, 2012
2:08 pm
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Hey Vincent,

 

I have the same problems lke u. These two parts is weak.

 

I guess just cut down that overdue phrases.

 

More than 300 words is not a big deal, but u should promise that the content is useful.

 

Each paragraph has three points, and it will easy to over 300 words.

 

I think ur work will be fine. Dont worry.

 

David

August 18, 2012
3:42 pm
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Dear David & cracktoefl,

 

Could you please give me a mark from 9 according to the IELTS writing assessment criteria?

 

http://www.ieltsessentials.com/PDF/BandcoreDescriptors_WritingT2.pdf

 

Thanks a lot,

Vincent

August 18, 2012
7:38 pm
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Hey, Vincent,

 

I m not quite sure about ur meaning. u wanna an assessment criteria?

 

U already get the pdf. Do u want me to paste it here?

 

Task response: 1. fully addresses all parts of the task 

2. presents a fully developed position in answer to the question with relevant, fully extended and well supported ideas

 

Coherence and conhesion: 1. uses cohesion in such a way that it attracts no attention

2. skilfully manages paragraphing

 

Lexical resources: 1. uses a wide range of vocabulary with very natural and sophisticated control of lexical features; rare minor errors occur only as ‘slips’

 

Grammar range and accuracy: 1. uses a wide range of structures with full flexibility and accuracy; rare minor errors occur only as ‘slips’

 

Best regards,

 

David

August 18, 2012
10:37 pm
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I got a 5.5 mark for this essay from an examiner. I wonder if this is

really worth 5.5?!

 

Thanks

August 19, 2012
4:35 pm
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Really? This essay is way better than mine, and my work is 5.5, so I guess u can achieve a high score.

 

In my opinion, its better than 5.5, maybe the examiner is strict. I m afraid so.

 

I hope Enda could come here to evaluate ur essay

August 19, 2012
9:51 pm
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Hi rshdwork

 

Great thanks to send this essay. I should say that it would be better you notice some points. Firstly, I am not examiner, nor am I a

native speaker. To partly answer why your examiner gave you or an estimated score of your writing is 5.5 ( or may be 6) I think

the problem mostly in Task response. If you look at the question you find that the questions asks you whether you are in side

of promoting alternative resources or not. I think you should already clear your position. But I think you jump in conclusion

without any rational reasons already made. At the first paragraph you mentioned how difficult the developing energy would be!!

without any explanation that how we overcome this problem. Actually, you've dealt a a lot with difficulties ( took one

paragraph) while you are in favor of promoting alternative resources!!. look at this Band description addresses the task only partially; the format may be
inappropriate in places
• expresses a position but the development is not always
clear and there may be no conclusions drawn

I guess that and plus many mistakes made in almost every sentences reduced your mark.

August 20, 2012
2:22 am
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Hi Mohamed,

Thanks for your time.

I think I need to complete my writing puzzle as I see there is still some weaknesses.

My marks fluctuates between 6 to 7 normally but for the next Ielts exam I need to get

a mark 7 or above.

 

Hope I can get it.

 

Vincent,

August 22, 2012
3:49 pm
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Hi Rshdwork

Thanks for this essay!

Punctuation: Commas

Don’t separate the subject (‘many nations’) from its verb  (‘have’) with a comma. You wrote:

Many nations regardless of being from the first world countries or the second world, have an ever increasing reliance on sources of energy

You would never write “Many countries, have beautiful national parks.” Be careful with commas – if in doubt, leave them out. 

Here’s another sentence with incorrect commas:

  • Adapting societies  who are used to legacy energies, to the modern energy sources is also another hindrance.

As I suggest -  leave commas out!  Keep sentences simple. Here’s one possible rewrite:

Changing patterns of use based on legacy energies to more modern energy sources is another hindrance.   OR

Another problem is changing attitudes. The way we used energy at present cannot be the same in the future.

Punctuation: Fragment

This is not a complete sentence:

  • Most importantly because there are several opposition views against this movement.

You need to join it to the previous or following sentence. 

This is another fragment:

  • Firstly because sooner or later we run out of legacy sources such as oil or coal and the consequences are catastrophic

The word ‘because’ introduces a dependent clause. It can’t be a complete sentence by itself in formal writing.  Read more about Fragments or Comma Splices.

Shorten and Simplify

[Image Can Not Be Found]

This sentence is nice but it’s too long.

The threat of energy shortage, environmental considerations and the imperils of being dependent to certain countries, which are the major suppliers of energy, encourages us to search for new sources of energy more than ever. (35 words)

Let’s tighten it up a little:

Energy shortages, environmental concerns, and the perils of being dependent on certain countries are pushing the search for alternative energy. (20 words)

The search for alternative energy has become more urgent due to worries over energy shortages, environmental concerns, and fears of over-reliance on unstable countries for oil. (26 words)

Worries over energy shortages, the environment and over-dependence on imported fuels is making the search for alternative energy more critical. (20 words)

Verb Tense

You wrote:

  • But non of this reasons shall stop the governments from promoting alternative energy sources.

Here’s one possible rewrite:

But none of these reasons should stop governments from promoting alternative energy sources.

Clarify/Verb Tense

You wrote:

As a matter of fact, these nations shall search for new energies in a restless fashion.

I’m not sure what you mean, but here’s one possible rewrite:

These countries are aggressively looking for new sources of energy   OR 

These countries are at the forefront of the search for new energy.

Shorten/Simplify

The next suggestions aren’t really about making shorter sentences, but removing the empty “it. “ You wrote:

It will be a huge global turmoil if the flow of energy stops even for a single day.

The ‘it’ (anticipatory itWe can remove the empty reference at the start. (We could use ‘There will/would be’ but it’s just the same problem):

If the flow of energy stopped even for a single day, huge global turmoil would result   OR 
Huge global turmoil would result  if energy flows were stopped even for a single day.

Have a look at a good explanation here.

Shorten/Simplify: 2

This sentence, however, really does need to be simplified:

To sum up, although there exists many forces against promotion of new energies, we should overcome the problems towards this point ,and embrace the idea.

Help! Vagueness alert! Padding! Woolly! Touchy-feely, and meaningless! What does this say? What does it mean? It sounds lovely, but it meaningless. Say something! What does ‘this point’ refer to? What does ‘the idea’ refer to? What are the problems?

It’s the conclusion -  summarize, give the key points, repeat!

The structure “although there exist (it should be singular, not plural) is just too stuffy and too formal. Dump it.

Here’s one possible rewrite with some examples from your essay

To sum up, developing new energy will be expensive and require us to change many current attitudes and practices.

Word Choice/Word Form/Usage

  • an annoying dependency on aliens.  → an annoying dependency on imported oil. [Aliens are people from other planets –Mars, Jupiter, or Zog.

Yes, 'alien' can mean something or someone strange, but the first meaning that the vast majority of readers will associate the word ‘alien’ with is little green men.

Coherence and Cohesion

Almost every sentence in Paragraphs Two and Three starts with an introductory word (Obviously, additionally, as a result, first, second,  most importantly,  as a matter of fact, etc.).

This gets very repetitive. Try to use these sparingly – one or two per paragraph is enough. You don’t want to be accused of ‘overuse of cohesive devices’ or ‘cohesion is mechanical’ – see the official descriptors for IELTS Task 2 Writing (public version) here, under Coherence and Cohesion. You’ve generally used them correctly – it’s just that you have too many.

 Word Choice/Word Form/Usage

  • Lastly, not all legacy sources are environmentally friendly in contrast with new sources such as wind energy.  → Lastly, not all legacy sources are environmentally friendly compared to new sources such as wind energy.

Overall, Rshdwork, there is a lot of fluff in your essay.

How many ideas are there in Paragraph Two?  Could you have padded less and given more examples? Avoid fluffy statements and get to the point. Don’t aim for nice-sounding sentences -  it’s not a poetry competition. Instead, keep sentences short, avoid commas and fragments, and add more concrete facts and examples.

Do not be tempted to show your grammatical capabilities. It’s not like a military parade.

In the conclusion, restate and summarize. Avoid vagueness. Do not fall in love with your sentences – they are disposable, and they should exist to serve information and ideas, not the other way around.

August 22, 2012
3:58 pm
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Hi Rshdwork

I do think that 5.5 is a little harsh. Perhaps the teacher/examiner was trying to focus on one particular skill or area - I don't know the situation.

But I wish DavidLee was the examiner! So kind and generous with marks! 

Maybe somewhere in between is about right. I think overall you should be able to reach your goal if (1) you make sure to have enough ideas, and (2), don't pad.

When you get the question, underline like crazy, highlight, draw arrows, draw circles, write related words, synonyms, opposites; change nouns into verbs and verbs into adjectives. Play for at least five minutes until you are sure of the question, and keep going back to it until you have a plan for each paragraph. Have examples for each idea.

Here's an example of a topic with related words and brainstorm.

The problem of padding and repetitive sentences which look nice but don't really say a lot will go away if you have enough ideas. So concentrate on getting as many ideas as you can, and aim for a maximum of 300 words. Less can sometimes be more!

August 23, 2012
12:29 pm
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When you get the question, underline like crazy, highlight, draw arrows, draw circles, write related words, synonyms, opposites; change nouns into verbs and verbs into adjectives. Play for at least five minutes until you are sure of the question, and keep going back to it until you have a plan for each paragraph. Have examples for each idea.

 

That was inspiring. I'll put this strategy into action for my next essay...

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