I’m going to write a few comments just before I go to bed here. You will notice that a lot of the errors are the same as in the other essay today.
- In this 21st century majority of the people → In this 21st century the majority of people
- Educating people regarding healthy life style would make them aware of hazards… → Educating people regarding a healthy life style would make them aware of the hazards
- which could also contribute for a better health → which could also contribute to better health
- There are lot of other social factors → There are a lot of other social factors
- food is provided to the employees → Employers can provide food for workers.
- Few among them are busy work schedule, advertisement… → Among them are … OR A few of these are OR These include
- Few more steps that should be considered taken are putting a ban → A few more steps that can be considered are
- few alterations should be made out in social aspect also. → A few alterations are needed
- It is certain that role played by health education → the role played by health education
Here are three websites about ‘few’ and ‘a few’ - have a look at them and fix this error today. Speakspeak.com, Englisch-Hilfen.de, and BetterEnglish.com
- One sensible approach, to reduce the intake of fast food is through educating people regarding healthy habits. →
One sensible approach is to reduce the intake of fast food through educating people regarding healthy habits.
- Health education should be initiated from childhood, This would really create a positive influence on their daily lifestyle.→
Health education should be initiated from childhood. This would really create a positive influence on their daily lifestyle.
- There are lot of other social factors, which forces the man to turn towards fast food. →
There are a lot of other social factors which forces the man to turn towards fast food.
If in doubt about commas, leave them out. If the sentence is getting too long, use a full stop.
Word Choice/Word Form/Usage
- beneficiaries → benefits
- junky items → junk items
- There are lot of other social factors which force the man to → Other social factors force people to…
Few among them are busy work schedule, advertisement that mainly attracts younger age group, availability of these foods at a cheaper rate and so on.
Try to minimize lists. Avoid ‘and so on’ or ‘etc.’ Use articles or plurals. Here’s one possible rewrite:
These include busy work schedules, advertising, and the availability of cheap fast food.
Shorten and Simplify
As the proverb says “Prevention is better than cure” health education should be initiated from childhood, This would really create a positive influence on their daily lifestyle. So when they are grown up into adults there is less probability for them to get diverted into the wrong path.
These sentences need to be reorganized to remove the comma splice and the unclear pronoun reference. Here’s one possible rewrite:
Prevention is better than cure, so education about a healthy lifestyle should start in childhood. This would really create a positive influence on children’s health. Good eating habits learned early on would also mean better nutritional choices later in life.
When you start a new paragraph, it’s better to avoid pronouns. The reader is a goldfish, and he or she should not have to go back to the previous paragraph to work out who the pronoun refers to. You wrote:
Steps should be taken to prevent these such as ensuring appropriate time
Here’s one possible rewrite, with the passive and the pronoun removed:
To help prevent people from turning to fast food, employers can provide good food or enough time for a proper lunch.
Support your ideas
Realistically, how possible is it to ban all fast food advertisements or to prohibit children from going to fast food outlets? You can have your own ideas and IELTS encourages this , but the more unusual the idea, the more support it needs.
Here you could have mentioned that many schools have strict rules about what children eat at lunch, or that many schools forbid Pepsi or Coke or fast food.
Usage: Specify - Don't be vague
In your conclusion, you wrote:
few alterations should be made out in social aspect also.
What does this mean? What does social aspect mean? Avoid vague terms: specify and summarize.
Overall, it's an improvement. Dig out a grammar book, and read the chapter on articles and plurals. Do it today and you will remove all article errors from your writing! One step closer to a great grade.