Welcome!

In the forum on this page you can see IELTS essays by people just like you. Hundreds of people added essays and comments and helped each other to get a great IELTS essay score! Have a look at their amazing writing!

Please note: This forum is closed!

closed

Sorry! However, please enjoy the hundreds of essays and thousands of comments still available here. A HUGE thanks to all the writers who commented and to all the visitors. We hope we've made IELTS writing less scary.

Popular Tags

Click the links below to see essays on that topic.

art business communication children crime culture economy education environment families food freedom globalization
health heritage  leisure media politics science society sports television travel technology transport university violence work

Avatar

Please consider registering
guest

sp_LogInOut Log In

Lost password?
Advanced Search

— Forum Scope —




— Match —





— Forum Options —





Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters

sp_Feed Topic RSS sp_Related Related Topics sp_TopicIcon
Government or individuals: Who is responsible for healthcare and education?
Topic Rating: 0 Topic Rating: 0 Topic Rating: 0 Topic Rating: 0 Topic Rating: 0 Topic Rating: 0 (0 votes) 
August 25, 2012
11:16 am
Avatar
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 3
Member Since:
August 24, 2012
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Some people say that healthcare and education should be the responsibility of the government but some people think that that it is the responsibility of the individuals themselves. Discuss both views and give your opinion?

 

Healthy and educated citizens are the driving force of a nation's productivity; thus, some contend that the government should invest on this for the people to achieve their optimum well being. On the contrary, many individuals think that the people themselves should be the sole responsible in assuming this role. I embrace the idea that cooperation between government and its people  is the key to success in having efficient healthcare and effective education.

 

Government has a big role in providing its citizens proper healthcare system and proper education. For instance, the government should allot budget in providing healthcare professionals, vaccines and medicines, health educational materials and health centers for different communities. For the poor people to have access in proper healthcare, government’s healthcare free facilities should be available. This is possible because many healthcare organization like the DOH and WHO extends helps specially for the developing countries. Furthermore, government should invest in building more institutions in remote places so that many students can have formal education. In addition, the government should provide scholarships. For example, in the Philippines the government funds short term technical skill courses like TESDA for those students who cannot go to college. Hence, because of this short courses, it is still possible for them to be employed.

 

On the other hand, others think that people themselves should be responsible enough and not depend on the government because health and education are personal matters. For example, though many healthcare facilities and educational institutions are available, if many individuals are still not compliant  and not interested, these provisions will still be useless. For example, there are many parents who are lazy in taking their children for vaccination and there are patients who are not complaint in taking their medications. In addition, there are many students who are contented not to have formal education eventhough they are  encouraged to do so.

 

In conclusion, I strongly believe that both the government and the people should assume a staunch role in achieving proper healthcare and education. With this, the country can be more productive and the people can be more empowered.

August 25, 2012
11:23 am
Avatar
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 3
Member Since:
August 24, 2012
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

charrmaine said this is my first time to post an essay, i took my ielts last aug 4 and I only got 6.5 , I need to retake the exam because I need an all 7 bands , please comment on my essay if there are corrections.Thanks.

 

August 25, 2012
6:06 pm
Avatar
writefix
Guest
Guests

Hi Charrmaine and welcome to Writefix.

Unfortunately there isn’t much time left for others to comment as this essay forum will be closing shortly, but I hope these comments are useful.

Word Choice/Word Form/Usage

  • government should invest on this → government should invest in this
  • On the contrary → [‘On the contrary’ is not quite correct here.  Avoid the phrase ‘on the contrary’ it’s tricky to use.]
  • Staunch’ is not quite correct in the conclusion.
  • There are many students who are contented not to have formal education even though they are  encouraged to do so → Despite government encouragement, many students are not interested in learning.

Reference

What does ‘this’ refer to? What does ‘this role’ refer to? What does ‘these provisions’ refer to

  • the government should invest in this
  • people themselves should be the sole responsible in assuming this role
  • these provisions will still be useless

Just watch all your pronouns and check that they refer clearly to the subject or what has gone before. Pronouns are handy, but they can be a missed opportunity to show more synonyms.  Reference in IELTS comes under Coherence and Cohesion in the official descriptors for IELTS Task 2 Writing (public version), here.

Standard generic phrases

Your essay would be just as good without all those unnecessary references to ‘people,’ ‘individuals,’ I embrace,’  'I contend,' ‘people contend,’ etc.  Avoid all these tired old phrases and generic sentences  -  see more here and here, but then please forget you ever saw them!

Articles

  • the government should allot budget → the government should allot a budget

Shorten/Simplify

This sentence is 27 words long and could be much clearer

  • For example, though many healthcare facilities and educational institutions are available, if many individuals are still not compliant  and not interested, these provisions will still be useless.

The sentence is awkward because you are putting healthcare and education together. Separate them and your job will be much easier.  How can I be ‘compliant’ with education or healthcare? It’s not quite the right word.  Here’s one possible rewrite. I have to separate the two ideas.

If people are not interested in education, then government money spent on schools would be wasted. Before expensive medical facilities are built, people need to understand basic healthcare and hygiene, eat healthily and exercise.

Ideas and Organization

Your topic sentence in Paragraph Two is nicely organized -  the paragraph follows the same order.

Paragraph Three is weaker than Paragraph Two. Why? I think it is because you’ve used up all your ideas in Paragraph two, and all that is left is the opposite idea. Another problem is that it’s very difficult to treat healthcare and education together. In Para 2 you separated them – it might be better to do the same in Para 3.

You haven’t mentioned anything positive that people can do about education in Paragraph 3. This means that you have a tough job in the conclusion, because there isn’t really anything to summarize. Even though you say that the people and government need to work together, you have only negative examples about individuals in Para 3.

Overall, you have some good writing skills. You don’t need to use tired old phrases (you can see more examples here and here.) Just leave them out. Your second para was very good, with a nice topic sentence, but your third para was weaker, and this caused some problems for your conclusion.

Ideas you could have covered:

  • Private clinics and hospitals vs government clinics
  • Private schools and universities vs government
  • Investment in education, investment in medicine
  • Basic healthcare vs advanced medical treatment
  • Government responsibility to provide healthcare or education – are education and healthcare a right?
  • Left-wing politics and right-wing choices -  capitalist and socialist philosophies.
  • Choice (mix of freemarket, entire freemarket) vs cradle-to-grave state care (welfare state)

Another possible approach might have been to have separate paragraphs for healthcare and education. The layout you choose doesn't matter that much -  it doesn't have to be a 3773 or a  35553 layout. The only requirement is that you have a clear central topic in each paragraph. (See the descriptors under Coherence and Cohesion again.)

In fact, I would print out the descriptors and highlight all the criteria for Band 7 if that is what you are aiming at:

band7.jpgImage Enlarger

sp_PlupAttachments Attachments
August 26, 2012
7:21 pm
Avatar
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 3
Member Since:
August 24, 2012
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thanks you so much for the comments.Why is writing forum closing soon, where can I write essays and receive corrections?This forum helps a lot, hope I still have a chance to improve my writing from your comments.thanks.

Forum Timezone: Asia/Dubai

Most Users Ever Online: 299

Currently Online:
17 Guest(s)

Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)

Member Stats:

Guest Posters: 1

Members: 172

Moderators: 1

Admins: 2

Forum Stats:

Groups: 1

Forums: 3

Topics: 545

Posts: 2204

Moderators: Newestadmin: 0

Do NOT follow this link or you will be banned from the site!