Hi Charrmaine and welcome to Writefix.
Unfortunately there isn’t much time left for others to comment as this essay forum will be closing shortly, but I hope these comments are useful.
Word Choice/Word Form/Usage
- government should invest on this → government should invest in this
- On the contrary → [‘On the contrary’ is not quite correct here. Avoid the phrase ‘on the contrary’ it’s tricky to use.]
- ‘Staunch’ is not quite correct in the conclusion.
- There are many students who are contented not to have formal education even though they are encouraged to do so → Despite government encouragement, many students are not interested in learning.
What does ‘this’ refer to? What does ‘this role’ refer to? What does ‘these provisions’ refer to
- the government should invest in this
- people themselves should be the sole responsible in assuming this role
- these provisions will still be useless
Just watch all your pronouns and check that they refer clearly to the subject or what has gone before. Pronouns are handy, but they can be a missed opportunity to show more synonyms. Reference in IELTS comes under Coherence and Cohesion in the official descriptors for IELTS Task 2 Writing (public version), here.
Standard generic phrases
Your essay would be just as good without all those unnecessary references to ‘people,’ ‘individuals,’ I embrace,’ 'I contend,' ‘people contend,’ etc. Avoid all these tired old phrases and generic sentences - see more here and here, but then please forget you ever saw them!
- the government should allot budget → the government should allot a budget
This sentence is 27 words long and could be much clearer
- For example, though many healthcare facilities and educational institutions are available, if many individuals are still not compliant and not interested, these provisions will still be useless.
The sentence is awkward because you are putting healthcare and education together. Separate them and your job will be much easier. How can I be ‘compliant’ with education or healthcare? It’s not quite the right word. Here’s one possible rewrite. I have to separate the two ideas.
If people are not interested in education, then government money spent on schools would be wasted. Before expensive medical facilities are built, people need to understand basic healthcare and hygiene, eat healthily and exercise.
Ideas and Organization
Your topic sentence in Paragraph Two is nicely organized - the paragraph follows the same order.
Paragraph Three is weaker than Paragraph Two. Why? I think it is because you’ve used up all your ideas in Paragraph two, and all that is left is the opposite idea. Another problem is that it’s very difficult to treat healthcare and education together. In Para 2 you separated them – it might be better to do the same in Para 3.
You haven’t mentioned anything positive that people can do about education in Paragraph 3. This means that you have a tough job in the conclusion, because there isn’t really anything to summarize. Even though you say that the people and government need to work together, you have only negative examples about individuals in Para 3.
Overall, you have some good writing skills. You don’t need to use tired old phrases (you can see more examples here and here.) Just leave them out. Your second para was very good, with a nice topic sentence, but your third para was weaker, and this caused some problems for your conclusion.
Ideas you could have covered:
- Private clinics and hospitals vs government clinics
- Private schools and universities vs government
- Investment in education, investment in medicine
- Basic healthcare vs advanced medical treatment
- Government responsibility to provide healthcare or education – are education and healthcare a right?
- Left-wing politics and right-wing choices - capitalist and socialist philosophies.
- Choice (mix of freemarket, entire freemarket) vs cradle-to-grave state care (welfare state)
Another possible approach might have been to have separate paragraphs for healthcare and education. The layout you choose doesn't matter that much - it doesn't have to be a 3773 or a 35553 layout. The only requirement is that you have a clear central topic in each paragraph. (See the descriptors under Coherence and Cohesion again.)
In fact, I would print out the descriptors and highlight all the criteria for Band 7 if that is what you are aiming at: