Hi David and welcome to Writefix
Are you doing IELTS soon? I don’t think this is an IELTS-style topic, but I hope my comments are useful anyway.
David, you need to change your approach to writing sentences. Here are some sentences from your essay (on the left ), and some suggested versions on the right.
Shorten/Simplify
| Compare the advantages and disadvantages of three of the following as media for communicating information. State which you consider to be the most effective. |
| At the present age, as the science developing rapidly and individuals tend to achieve incrementally disposable income, the option of which media is the most significantly used tool for conveying information has evoked widespread discussion among the general public. |
What are the most effective media? |
As far as I concerned, books, radio and television are frequently be used in our dailylives.
|
As far as I am concerned, books, radio and television are the most important media in our lives. |
| In terms of books, it is one of the time-honored methodology for communicating information since ancient times because the mostly the content inside the books are easily to comprehend as long as the readers have some certain literacy. |
If you can read, books are easy to use. OR books are a time-honored medium. |
| In addition, books are much cheaper than other tools which consume electricity to operate such as televisions and laptops; therefore, practically all the citizens could afford the price. |
Unlike televisions or laptops, books don’t need electricity, so they are much more usable. They are also cheaper. |
| Moreover, the choice in terms of subjects are enormous, viewers would not restrict in the immobile content which just rely on their own interests. |
Moreover, the choice of information in books in enormous. Readers can find almost any interest represented in books. |
| Nevertheless, some shortcomings existed at the meantime. For instance, books are inconvenient to carry around so that they cannot satisfy our demand constantly. |
However, books have some shortcomings. They are heavy to carry. |
Also, reading book continuing for a long period could jeopardize our eyesight severely according to the fatigue.
|
Reading for a long time can also make your eyes tired. |
David, less is more. Many of your sentences are incredibly wordy, and few of these extra words add any extra meaning to your sentence. Reduce, reduce, shorten and simplify.
Do not fall in love with longwinded sentences. Content is king, not beautiful-sounding oratory or polished sentences. So remove padding and passives and orotund phrases and get more ideas in there.
Avoid heavy-handed, cumbersome links to previous ideas. Just get on with it and say what you want to say. You wrote:
Thus, in order to cope with this disadvantaged phenomenon, radios are invented to meet the demand of refreshment immediately after the industrial revolution being successful.
No, radio wasn’t invented because of the disadvantages of books or to meet the "demand of refreshment," whatever that means. And radio wasn’t invented immediately after the industrial revolution, which began several hundred years ago. Here’s one possible rewrite:
Radio has many advantages over books. (6 words)
Shorten/Simplify 2
| Radios becoming popular rapidly due to the convenience it had brought to the society |
Radios ARE popular because... |
| Audience could listen to the news and stories freely in any pastures as long as it comfortable. |
people can listen anywhere and |
| Furthermore, everyone regardless of whether has literacy could achieve the information correctly which akin to daily conversation. |
literacy is no longer required. |
| While no images and contents restricted in certain place cause it replaced by television gradually |
However, the power of images mean that television is more effective medium for... |
| |
|
David, your sentences need to be boiled, squeezed and reduced until they are clear, light and flowing, and until all the unnecessary words have evaporated.
Do NOT write with a dictionary. Use a dictionary occasionally when you read, or to confirm your choice of vocabulary. Just think of an idea and try to express it in the simplest possible way.
I've posted this quote before, but I think it's appropriate here. In writing, every word must have a function, just as a machine has "no unnecessary parts"…
Vigorous writing is concise. A sentence should contain no unnecessary words, a paragraph no unnecessary sentences, for the same reason that a drawing should have no unnecessary lines and a machine no unnecessary parts. This requires not that the writer make all his sentences short, or that he avoid all detail and treat his subjects only in outline, but that every word tell.
— William Strunk Jr.
in Elements of Style
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