Hi Pedram and thanks for this essay. I think you have been very careful to eliminate article errors and some other errors, and to try not to exceed 250 words.
A big thanks to Ngo Duy Quang and Shieiuan for their comments. More on these below.
Pedram, remember that if an essay looks short, the first thing an examiner will do is count. They will carefully count every word, and mark you down extravagantly and with gusto according to the number of words.
if you have big phrases that are from the prompt they will not be counted. To be safe, write over 250 words - 260 or 270 is probably perfect. If it looks long and doesn't contain massive chunks from the question, the examiner will probably not count it.
Comments by Ngo Duy Quang and Shieiuan
The most important point was that both of them said you needed more ideas, and I agree 100%. This will make your essay longer, and will balance your paragraphs. In paragraph two, you have basically only one idea and one example. - complimenting a child or giving a present when they behave well. You should aim for three ideas, each with an example. Paragraph Three has two ideas.
Grammar, Word Choice
Ngo Duy Quang and Shieiuan both made many grammar suggestions. Their solutions are not always right, but their comments are usually because of some grammar problem in the original essay. It seems if something doesn't sound or feel right, readers are able to find it, even if they can't always fix the original. Generally however, some very good suggestions.
Which of these is correct?
- Parents should explain to them the situation
- Parents should to explain them the situation
- Parents should explain them the situation
- Parents should explain the situation to them
- Parents should to explain the situation to them
To illustrate the situation with an example
It's not wrong, but it's very wordy. Ngo Duy Quang suggested the much easier and clearer:
Other changes included removing unnecessary words and simplifying. Great work, everyone!
I really like Pedram_Vaziry's summary sentence for Paragraph Two:
Obviously this kind of treatment will have a positive impact on children and will persuade them to repeat it again.