Here are a few comments – I don’t know if you are still visiting the site, but I hope they are useful.
It is our natural curiosity that led to the development of different tools and technology. Undoubtedly, people have done enormous efforts for the betterment of our lives
The problem with this is that the reader has now read two sentences but still is not sure about the topic of the essay. How could you get to the point more quickly? Could you mention the earth and human activities in the first sentence?
Word Choice/Word Form/Usage
- The main probable objective of all these advancements is for the conviniency of man kind. → Most of these advances were made for our convenience. OR The main objective of these advances was increased convenience. OR The main objective of these advances was to make our lives easier.
- These phenomena have killed so many people → These phenomena have killed many people
- Although we are the ones held liable to all these dilemmas → Although we are the ones held liable for these problems (you didn’t present us with a dilemma or choice)
- Earth would still continue to give life in every living things → Earth will still continue /can continue to provide a home for all living things.
Furthermore, men from all walks of life are working hand-in-hand to save our mother earth. One perfect evidence of this is the Earth Hour event when all people across the world came together to fight against climate change.
Why only men?
Furthermore, people are finally cooperating to save our planet. Evidence of this is the Earth Hour event when millions of people across the world come together to fight against climate change.
Shorten and simplify
- This has resulted to pollution which is considered as one of our major environmental problems. → This has resulted in pollution which is one of our major environmental problems.
- Several laws are also implemented regarding the beautification and preservation of our natural resources. → Several laws have also been implemented regarding the preservation of our natural resources.
(Can natural resources such as oil or coal be ‘beautfied’? I can understand parks, beaches, or cities, but natural resources?)
Passives and Reference
Apparently, this has been overlooked and now, we are facing the extinction of certain kinds of plants and animals.
Who has overlooked it? And why ‘apparently’? Why not just write:
Now, we are facing the extinction of certain kinds of plants and animals.
Overall the essay is fine. It could be tightened up. There are a lot of vague woolly ideas: I was expecting whale songs and dolphins and guitars and cute drawings of beautiful people holding hands, but you have also given some specific examples, such as Earth Hour. More would be better!
Comments from other writers
Anufrancis and Rose2802 spotted many of the errors above
I really liked Rose2802’s suggested change from what you wrote:
Furthermore, men from all walks of life are working hand-in-hand to save our mother earth →
Individuals are becoming more and more aware of the need to protect the Earth
I also really liked Rose2802’s suggested topic sentence for Paragraph 2. You already have a fine topic sentence for Paragraph 3, but Paragraph 2 needed a clearer one.
I liked the two sentences you wrote here:
However, others think that due to our negligence Earth is already dying. I believe otherwise.
Thanks B_rock09 and Anufrancis and Rose2802 for all your work and comments!