Hi Marlboro_hom and welcome to Writefix.
Thanks for your essay. It's unusual.
It’s probably a better idea to look around for a few days, post ONE essay, wait for some comments and perhaps write some yourself on other people’s essays, and THEN post a second essay. There’s no point posting many essays which are the same!
I don’t know where to start really. I think the problem begins with the question: I would love to see this original question and its exact wording.
What I am going to do is to cross off all the phrases which are wrong, meaningless, empty, or which I do not understand. Be prepared:
At time of writing, there is a notion stating that advertisements wish customers to purchase more and deliberately water down the importance of products’ and services’ qualities. I personally believe that it is partly true as it depends on the strategies that companies are using.
It should be noticed that quality is the life for some industry, ad hoc watch manufactory. Through their advertisements, people can find that punctuation and durability is always two main measurements for valuing their products. In light of this, watch manufactories have endeavoured in creating an image of top notch quality via advertising during centuries. In this way, advertising does promote products’ quality.
On the flip side, not all industries use same marketing strategy as their watch-making counterparts. It is precisely because good quality does not always reflect to high sales, as customers impulsively affected by promotional materials. The iPhone is a good case in point. Although due to some design flaw, there are sporadic incidents about this smart phone’s self-burn issue and people were reported injured, myriad of our younger generation are still obsessed with apple’s products and spend thousands of dollars each year on updating devices, accessories, and related products (apps and games for instance). This is the win of propaganda. The Apple has become the biggest smart phone company, which can perfectly prove that encouraging people to buy in quantity has eclipsed boosting quality for aforementioned companies.
Consequently, I would like to reiterate that some industries cannot subsist without guaranteeing quality, while other companies need to promote more products to make their fortunes
Now I’m going to write a version of what I think you mean but I am going to do this:
- Remove all tired phrases
- Replace inappropriate word choices
- Check agreement
- Check articles
- Shorten sentences
There won’t be a whole lot, because there is only 1 idea in each of your body paragraphs (there should be 3). Here's my version:
Does advertising emphasize quality or is it designed purely to increase sales? In this essay, I will look at ads from two industries with different approaches: one stressing quality and another focusing on quantity.
Advertising for watches is an excellent example of a focus on quality. Watch makers stress the accuracy, craftsmanship and beauty of their products. Brands such as Rolex or Patek Phillipe are synonymous with exclusivity. As part of this, their owners sponsor prestigious events such as sailing, horse-racing or golf. The overall intent of their branding is to create an aura of quality, sophistication, elegance and luxury.
However not all companies take this approach. Many companies prefer to make their profits through selling in high volume. Apple’s iPhones and iPads are some of the most successful business stories of the last decade. Millions of the products have been sold despite design flaws and problems with batteries. As consumers, we seem to be willing to overlook many deficiencies in our desire to own Apple products.
In conclusion, brands target different groups of customers, but the effectiveness of advertising is the same. Whether we pay tens of thousands of dollars for an unnecessary piece of jewelry or hundreds to play with a short-lived phone, we are still mindlessly chasing the dream advertisers are selling us.
I still really dislike this topic and I don’t like my essay. I tried to keep to your ideas, but I still don’t like it.
But I encourage you Marlboro_hom to go back to basics, read a lot of the other essays on this site, and start over. Simple sentences. Simple vocab. Simple ideas. Start at the beginning.
I don't give bands here. Anyone else on the forum is welcome to suggest a band, however.
Have a look at the official descriptors for IELTS Task 2 Writing (public version) here, and have a look for these phrases:
- "presents some main ideas but these are limited and not sufficiently developed; there may be irrelevant detail"
- "expresses a position but the development is not always clear"
- "there may be a lack of overall progression"
- "attempts complex sentences but these tend to be less accurate than simple sentences"
- "may make frequent grammatical errors and punctuation may be faulty; errors can cause some difficulty for the reader"
What band are you hoping for in IELTS?