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Why do some schools have severe problems with student behaviour?
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July 10, 2012
9:36 am
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In many countries schools have severe problems with student behaviour.

What do you think are the cause of this?

What solutions can you suggest?

Poor student behavior seems to be an increasingly widespread problem, and I think that birth control tendency and the proliferation of violent online games are probably responsible for this.

With the continuous acceleration of the life pace, people tend to have smaller families with fewer children. This is most conspicuous in China in which most families are allowed to have only one child. With no siblings to share the love of parents, these "little emperors" are usually spoiled, often act at their own will, with no regard of the effects produced on others. When these "little emperors" deal with each other at school, dissensions and conflicts are predictable.

And there is also some detrimental effects in the proliferation of online games with excessive violent contents. Teenagers are young and uncertain, and are vulnerable to the pornographic or violent games that are ubiquitous today. Young boys would imitate the powerful bad characters in the virtual games and become aggressive in the practical life. 

As far as I am concerned, the best way to tackle the bad behavior of children is to teach them to be considerate and thoughtful of those around them. Ask them to keep quite in the airport waiting room, or hold the door open for those coming behind them. Parents should teach their children to make their interests gradually wider, until bit by bit, the walls of ego recede and they become merged in the community life.

In terms of the pervasive online games, I do not think prohibiting young students from playing is feasible. But school teachers and parents should make concerted efforts to provide teenagers proper guidance, so as to teach them social etiquettes while enjoy the diversion and refreshment of online games.

Overall I think parents should treat children as "little adults"(polite and responsible) rather than "little emperors" waiting to be spoiled, and they should work together with school teachers to raise teenagers' awareness that they must treat people exactly the way they want to be treated.

July 10, 2012
10:53 am
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Hey lifei, well done . 

Although i personally do not fancy the structure of your essay(35553 or 3773), i find your essay easy to read and am also impressed by your extensive range of vocabularies .

here is a bit of my comments on your essay.

 

Poor student behavior seems to be an increasingly widespread problem. and I think that birth control tendency and the proliferation of violent online games are probably responsible for this.

(Perhaps you might make mention of your potential solutions. Well, purely my own preference. )

With the continuous acceleration of the life pace(this is fine but you might as well write like "with the accelerating pace of life, shorter...i guess. lol"), people tend to have smaller families with fewer children. This is most conspicuous in China in which most families are allowed to have only one child. With no siblings to share the love of parents, these "little emperors" are usually spoiled, and often act at their own will, with no regard of(for )the effects(what effects?) produced on others. When these "little emperors" deal with each other at school, dissensions and conflicts are predictable.

And there is also some detrimental effects in(on) the proliferation of online games with excessive violent contents. Teenagers are young ,and uncertain, and are vulnerable to the pornographic or violent games that are ubiquitous today. Young boys would imitate the powerful yet bad characters in the virtual games and become aggressive in the practical life(hmm real life?). 

(hmm,,i understand that you are talking about the proliferation of online games (violent contents),resulting in students' disruptive behaviors at school. I think, however , your topic sentence is inadequately clear.....  why do not you directly state that we should attribute students' undisciplined behaviors to online games or whatever..)

 

As far as I am concerned, the best way to tackle the bad behavior of children is to teach them to be considerate and thoughtful of those (who)around them. Ask them (people around them or ask themselves?)to keep quite in the airport waiting room, or hold the door open for those coming behind them(). Parents should teach their children to make their interests gradually wider(hmmm..) , until bit by bit, the walls of ego recede() and they become merged in the community life.

In terms of the pervasive online games, I do not think prohibiting young students from playing is feasible. But school teachers and parents should make concerted efforts to provide teenagers proper guidance, so as to teach them social etiquettes while enjoy the diversion and refreshment of online games.

Overall I think parents should treat children as "little adults"(polite and responsible) rather than "little emperors" waiting to be spoiled, and they should work together with school teachers to raise teenagers' awareness that they must treat people exactly the way they want to be treated.

 

well, i still feel that your essay needs a bit restructuring .......and keep your sentences more coherent ...(i will come back and read your essay next time... lol...)

July 10, 2012
3:00 pm
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chrisluke921221 said

.........

 

Dear chrisluke921221, thank you very much for your comments. I find they are really accurate and useful. Hope more from you...... 🙂


July 11, 2012
10:08 am
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TBC:

 

In terms of the pervasive online games, I do not think prohibiting young students from playing is feasible. But school teachers and parents should make concerted efforts to provide teenagers with proper guidance, so as to teach them social etiquettes while enjoying the diversion and refreshment of online games.(i feel that the subject(teenagers) of the"while" is not paralleled to the first subject(school teachers). )

Overall ,I think parents should treat children as "little adults"(polite and responsible) rather than "little emperors" waiting to be spoiled, and they should work together with school teachers to raise teenagers' awareness that they must treat people exactly the way they want to be treated.

July 11, 2012
4:51 pm
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What solutions can you suggest?

Poor student behavior seems to be an increasingly widespread problem, and (Could be started as a new sentence)I think that birth control tendency and the proliferation of violent online games are probably responsible for this.

With the continuous acceleration of the life pace, people tend to have smaller families with fewer (few )children. This is most conspicuous in China in which most families are allowed to have only one child. With no siblings to share the love of parents, these "little emperors" are usually spoiled, often act at their own will, with no regardregardless of the effects produced on others. When these "little emperors" deal with each other at school, dissensions and conflicts are predictable.

And there is are few other also some detrimental effects in the proliferation of online games with excessive violent contents . (it can be reframed like this: Online games with excessive violent activities can also lead to some detrimental effects) Teenagers are young and uncertain, and are vulnerable to the pornographic or violent games that are ubiquitous today. Young boys would imitate the powerful bad characters in the virtual games and become aggressive in the practical life. 

As far as I am concerned, the best way to tackle the bad behavior of children is to teach them to be considerate and thoughtful of those around them. Ask them to keep quite in the airport waiting room, or hold the door open for those coming behind them. Parents should teach their children to make their interests gradually wider, until bit by bit, the walls of ego recede and they become merged in the community life.(This sentence could be reframed)

In terms of the pervasive online games, I do not think prohibiting young students from playing is feasible. But school teachers and parents should make concerted efforts to provide teenagers proper guidance, so as to teach them social etiquettes while enjoy the diversion and refreshment of online games.

Overall I think parents should treat children as "little adults"(polite and responsible) rather than "little emperors" waiting to be spoiled, .Besidess this (and) they should work together with school teachers to raise their (teenagers') awareness that they must treat people in a proper manner.(exactly the way they want to be treated.)

 

These are the few corrections i would like to mention.. Kindly let me know if im wrong somewhere

July 13, 2012
2:53 pm
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Hi Lifei, Madinarafi5 and ChrisLuke!

Thanks for your essay, Lifei, and your great comments everyone.

Organization and Layout

ChrisLuke I saw your comment about the 35553 or 3773. Looking at Lifei's essay, however, I see how she has organized it. It's like this:

  1. an intro
  2. two 'cause' paragraphs:
    1. modern Chinese family size and its effects
    2. Online games and violence
  3. Two solution paragraphs:
    1. How families can solve the first problem
    2. How to solve the games problem
  4. Conclusion

So yes, it's unusual but it makes sense.   Another way Lifei could have done it is to have four paragraphs,

  • intro
  • families cause/solution
  • games cause/solution
  • conclusion

But as long as it's organized, there's no need to follow any 'perfect' formula.

Introduction

As Madinarafi5 noticed, the introduction is just one sentence. It has to do a lot of work, and so it ends up being very long (29 words). However it does manage to both introduce the problem and give two causes. It would be waaaaaaay too much work to include ChrisLuke's good suggestion of adding the solutions as well.

Maybe something like this would work:

Poor student behavior seems to be an increasingly widespread problem. In this essay, I will discuss if family size and online games are partly responsible, and suggest that parents and teachers need to teach better behavior and manage children's leisure time. (41 words, 2 sentences, average 20.5)

Yes, the last sentence is a bit long, but thesis sentences often are.  They will be balanced by lots of shorter sentences (4-8 words) so that the overall sentence length will be about 12-15 words.

Word Choice/Word Form/Usage

Some really great suggestions by ChrisLuke and Madinarafi5

  • With the continuous acceleration of the life pace → with the accelerating pace of life
  • Practical life → real life
  • There is also some detrimental effects  → And there are also some detrimental effects  OR  There are also a few detrimental effects
  • no regard of the effects → no regard for the effects

Lifei is correct here with this very nice structure:

  • teach them to be considerate and thoughtful of those around them.

Risk Tasking

Neither Madinarafi5 nor ChrisLuke really liked your 'walls of ego' sentence. It's very brave and poetic! IELTS calls this risk-taking, and it does allow writers to make some mistakes. I think the sentence works and I would keep it.

Coherence and Cohesion

One of the best things in the essay is cohesion and coherence: the essay and ideas flow well.  Have a look at the official descriptors for IELTS Task 2 Writing (public version) here, under Coherence and Cohesion.  The links between paragraphs are very smooth and although I usually recommend not having 'and' at the start of a sentence (Paragraph 3), you used it well here.  

Long sentences

Lifei also used ‘and’ well in the conclusion to join two very long sentences. It’s nice and parallel and it works.  But Madinarafi suggested breaking it up , and that’s good advice too. So how can both Madinarafi and Lifei be right?

Here’s the thing: sometimes my advice is aimed at different levels of writers.

Some people ( in fact most IELTS candidates) are simply not able to write long sentences, and I usually advise people on this forum to write shorter sentences.

However, if someone IS capable of writing long sentences without errors in agreement or reference or structure, then I would be lowering their potential IELTS score by insisting on short sentences.

You have to adjust the dosage depending on the patient.

So again a big thanks to everyone. I think the three of you could come up with some really excellent writing together!

July 16, 2012
5:47 pm
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I guess this guy must come form China, cause the method of mine in terms of writing skills seem akin to him.

 

Thx for the nice guys help us to improving our language skills

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