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Why are older people not respected as much as in the past?
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June 22, 2012
8:50 pm
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Hi everybody. I am a new member, I found all the instruction very beneficial and helpful. I will be happy if other members and friends rate my essay and give me some advice and comments, also suggest some points to improve my essay and actually my band. Thank you all in advance.


In many countries today insufficient respect is shown to older people.

What do you think may be the reasons for this?

What problems might cause in society?

 

Nowadays, in many parts of the world eldery people are not respected properly. People tend to behave with out enough notice to old ones. Recently, older people usually suffer from deficiency of adequate respect and decency.

New lifestyle has been affected strongly by modern technologies. Definitely, it would make some conflicts with new generation and the older one. Young people tend to consider new devices as an inseparable part of their life. Unfortunately, it casts a shadow over good traditions and costumes. For instance, computers and internet have become more significant than any other things for young people. They intended to spend most of their time on the net or in the virtual networks like Facebook. Actually, spending time with older people is rapidly decreased.

From psychological point of view, there is a very big gap between eldery  culture and traditions and new inclination of young  people. Teenagers often think their grandparents not only do not appreciate their desires and ambitions, but also cannot understand the circumstance of modern life. So it causes less attention from children to older people. On the other hand, elderly people must improve their knowledge and ideas about common life and new trends of society. Also they are expected try to act and behave in a flexible way.

To sum up, older people can be considered highly lucrative resources of experiences and historical events. If they are not behaved in decent way, the society will be more prone to have not a proper community relationship.

June 22, 2012
9:40 pm
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Ha Noi, Vietnam
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Hi sepand,

Welcome you become the member of this forum. Hope that you will enjoy it and post many essays as well as commenting on other essays.

I want to give some comments on your essay. First, your essay is well-structured and contains good ideas. However, there are some mistakes that need to be improved.

Nowadays, in many parts of the world eldery people(the elderly) are not respected properly. People tend to behave with out(without) enough notice to(of) old ones. Recently, older people usually suffer from deficiency of adequate respect and decency.

New lifestyle has been affected strongly by modern technologies. Definitely, it would make some conflicts with new generation and the older one. Young people tend to consider new devices as an inseparable part of their life. Unfortunately, it casts a shadow over good traditions and costumes. For instance, computers and internet have become more significant than any other things for young people(adolescent/teenagers...). They intended to spend most of their time on the net or in the virtual networks like Facebook. Actually, spending time with older people is rapidly decreased.

From psychological point of view, there is a very big gap between eldery  culture and traditions(traditional culture) and new inclination of young  people. Teenagers often think that their grandparents not only do not appreciate their desires and ambitions, but also cannot understand the circumstance of modern life. So(As a consequence,) it causes less attention from children to older people. On the other hand, elderly people must improve their knowledge and ideas about common life and new trends of society. Also they are expected try to act and behave in a flexible way.

To sum up, older people can be considered highly lucrative resources of experiences and historical events. If they are not behaved in decent way, the society will be more prone to have not a proper(an improper) community relationship.

June 22, 2012
10:12 pm
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Thank you so much Ngo,

 

I found your comments helpful. Can you have any idea about the band of such a this essay?

June 23, 2012
9:38 am
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Ha Noi, Vietnam
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I'm not an examiner so it's really difficult to mark your essay. You can wait for Mr Writefix and he will have some great comments and a band score for you.

June 25, 2012
11:14 am
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In many countries today insufficient respect is shown to older people.

What do you think may be the reasons for this?

What problems might cause in society?

 

Nowadays, in many parts of the world eldery people are not respected properly. People tend to behave with out enough notice to old ones. Recently, older people usually suffer from deficiency of adequate respect and decency.

( You could mention an outline of this essay to give your reader a better idea of how are you going to address it?)

New lifestyle has been affected strongly by modern technologies. Definitely, it would make some conflicts with between the new generation and the older one. Young people tend to consider new devices as an inseparable part of their life. Unfortunately, it casts a shadow over good traditions and costumes. For instance, computers and internet have become more significant than any other things for young people. They intended to spend most of their time on the net or in the virtual networks like Facebook rather then spending time with older people. Actually, spending time with older people is rapidly decreased. (Are you sure that spending more time with elderly means good tradition and costumes? Your theme sentence and supporting ideas aren't that conviencing enough. )

From psychological point of view, there is a very big gap between eldery  culture and traditions and new inclination of young  people. ( i don't quite understand your point) Teenagers often think their grandparents not only do not appreciate their desires and ambitions, but also cannot understand the circumstance of modern life. So it causes less attention from children to older people. On the other hand, elderly people must improve their knowledge and ideas about common life and new trends of society. Also they are expected try to act and behave in a flexible way.

To sum up, older people can be considered highly lucrative resources of experiences and historical events ( Well, you have a good idea here, why not mention more a bit on paragraph 3 to replace your original one). If they are not behaved in decent way, the society will be more prone to have not a proper community relationship.

June 26, 2012
4:33 pm
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writefix
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Hi Sepand and welcome to Writefix!

A big thanks to Ngo Duy Quang and to Shieiuan for their comments!

Sepand, you have done a lot of writing around the topic. The ideas are there, but they are very vague and you really need more concrete examples. Your essay would really benefit from being squeezed and tightened until all the empty words and padding drop out.

Word Choice/Word Form/Usage

  • People tend to behave with out enough notice to old ones. → People do not pay enough attention to older people.
     
  • elderly people must improve their knowledge and ideas about common life → elderly people should improve their knowledge and ideas about daily life/everyday/modern life (???)
     
  • it would make some conflicts with new generation and the older one → it would cause some conflict between the new generation and the older one
      
  • Older people can be considered highly lucrative resources of experiences → Older people are highly valuable sources of X, Y, and Z. (‘lucrative’ is for business. Unless you are going to boil older people down for their fat, it’s not really right here.)
      
  • good traditions and costumes → good traditions and customs

  • Definitely, it would make some conflicts with new generation and the older one. →  (Don’t use ‘definitely’ at the start of a sentence in writing. Put it near the main verb).
      
  • Actually, spending time with older people is rapidly decreased.  (Don’t use ANY adverbs at the start of a sentence in writing.)

You wrote:

Also they are expected try to act and behave in a flexible way

Avoid the passive. Who expects them to try? Avoid the word 'way' - it’s meaningless. Here’s a possible rewrite:

In my opinion, older people need to be more flexible.

You wrote:

If they are not behaved in decent way, the society will be more prone to have not a proper community relationship. (21 words)

Avoid the passive. You can’t behave someone else. Avoid the negative in the second part of the sentence.

If we don't respect old people, there will be problems in our families and in society. (12 words)

You wrote:

Recently, older people usually suffer from deficiency of adequate respect and decency.

The two adverbs are not quite right, the verb tense for ‘suffer’ is not quite right, and ‘deficiency’ is not quite the right choice of word. Here’s one possible rewrite:

In recent years, older people have become less respected and less well-treated.

You wrote:

Teenagers often think their grandparents not only do not appreciate their desires and ambitions, but also cannot understand the circumstance of modern life.

‘Not only… but also’ is BANNED on this website! Seriously, don’t use it. People rarely get it right. Here you are very close, but the two negatives are very confusing. Here’s one possible rewrite:

Many teenagers think that grandparents fail to appreciate their desires and ambitions and do not understand modern life.

Pronoun Reference

In all these sentences, there is a big problem with pronoun reference

  • it would make some conflicts with new generation and the older one. 
  • Unfortunately, it casts a shadow over good traditions and costumes
  • So it causes less attention from children to older people

What does it refer to in each of these? All the sentences need rewriting. Read about Cohesion (how sentences link) in the official descriptors for IELTS Task 2 Writing (public version) and look for the words "inaccurate use of cohesive devices."

Organization

Your intro needs a thesis sentence to tell the reader what is coming in your essay. You can read more about Thesis sentences here.  Another BIG advantage of a thesis sentence is that it forces writers to think about what they are going to say.

 Articles/Plurals

  • Older people usually suffer from deficiency of…→  older people usually suffer from a deficiency of...
  • New lifestyle has been affected → Our new lifestyle   OR    The modern lifestyle
  • it would make some conflicts with new generation → it would cause some conflicts with the new generation
  • From psychological point of view → From a psychological point of view
  • inthe virtual networks like Facebook → in virtual networks like Facebook
  • and new inclination of young  people → and the new inclinations of young  people

Work hard on pronoun reference. From now until your exam, restrain yourself every time you feel the urge to write ‘it.’

Dig out any grammar book and in the chapter about articles. Every singular noun in English needs an article, except for abstract nouns.

Have ideas in order, and don’t circle around an idea. Have a look at the official descriptors for IELTS Task 2 Writing (public version) here, under Cohesion (how sentences and ideas are linked) and under Task Response (how ideas are developed and supported with examples).

I don’t give bands here, for various reasons, but you should be able to find key phrases in the descriptors that will help you to place yourself. Anyone else is welcome to comment and say what band they think it is. What band are you looking for?

June 26, 2012
4:39 pm
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writefix
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Thanks Ngo Duy Quang and Shieiuan for your comments. 

NDQ made some very good suggestions about word choice and some grammatical errors.

Shieiuan suggested some bigger changes, including the need to add a thesis sentence (she called it an outline), which I fully agree with, and a few very valuable points about your ideas. For example, you could have mentioned the wealth of experience that older people have earlier, and she suggests that you need to support many of the ideas with examples. She also found some sentences unclear -  not hard to understand, but just vague.

So two kinds of help and both valuable! 

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