Hi Shuaishuai000

Thanks for your essay and good to see you here again!

I think I need to apologize  - I removed the question from the title and forgot to put it into your essay. This affects Brian’s comment about your intro. Here’s the question that you posted (although it doesn’t actually seem to have a question!)

In many countries, traditional foods are being replaced by international fast foods. This is having a negative effect on both families and societies. Do you agree or disagree?

Brian and B_rock09 have already made some good comments.

Organization

I think B-rock09 to say that your ideas are a little jumbled. For example, your third paragraph starts with ‘health hazards’ but in the middle you have a sentence about social phenomenon: “We have a common phenomenon of fast food generation, people from different ages all addicted to fast foods”

You need to reorganize your paragraphs so that you have one clear topic in each paragraph.  Write a short topic sentence at the start of each paragraph so that you and the reader know the main idea of that paragraph.

Introduction

Leave out phrases or words from the question. If your words are too similar to the question, they won’t be counted. In your case this is not a problem, because you have over 330 words, but some people repeat the question, and this is just a waste of time. Try to rephrase the question.

Leave out the word ‘debate’ or ‘discussion.’  . Leave out passives: ‘It has been noted’ or ‘It has been observed’ or anything like that. And is fast food 'crucial'?  Will anyone die if there is no fast food? Don’t use phrases that could be used in a million essays.

Instead, just describe the situation, and have a thesis sentence:

Here’s the question again

In many countries, traditional foods are being replaced by international fast foods. This is having a negative effect on both families and societies. Do you agree or disagree?

And here’s a possible intro:

Fast food is part of our modern society. Is it replacing good traditional food and dishes handed down over generations, or does it just give us more choice? In this essay, I will explain why I think our traditional cuisine is not in danger from fast food.  

This introduction is different from yours because I’m trying to stick to one topic (and disagreeing with it). As Brian said, the essay is not really about the dangers of fast food, so your third paragraph needs a different main idea. Your fourth paragraph is closer to the topic, but it doesn’t discuss traditional food

Aim for a shorter, 4 paragraph layout (3773). Have a clear topic in each of the two body paragraphs. This could be an essay that disagrees (“No, fast food is not replacing traditional food”):

1. Intro
2. Yes, fast food is everywhere/Many people eat fast food at certain times in their lives/Fast food advantages
3. But...people still prefer proper food/National dishes are still popular/People only eat fast food as a part of their diet - they still go back to their national or favorite traditional dishes
4. Conclusion

OR – here’s a layout that agrees (“Yes, fast food is changing our traditional way of eating”)

1. Intro
2. OK, traditional meals are still cooked at home by some people. / Some older people prefer to eat meals that take hours to prepare/ Traditional dishes are still part of our life
3. But the reality is that...  Fast food is everywhere/Most people eat fast food at certain times in their lives/Fast food advantages/Life has changed and we have to change with it./We can’t spend hours
4. Conclusion

I like these nice short sentences in your conclusion:

Fast food has become a part of our life. Like it or not, it is here to stay.

These two sentences flow very well. 

I won’t comment on the grammar or word choice problems -  if you copy-and-paste the essay into Microsoft Word, you will be able to fix many of them, as Brian points out. There should be no red or green underlines in Word. Try it and see!  If you don’t know how to check, have a look here: How to check your work in Microsoft Word 

Overall, just go for a shorter (250-300 word) essay with a four-paragraph layout and try to keep one central topic per paragraph, with a topic sentence. In your intro, avoid memorized phrases, and just describe the situation. Have a thesis sentence. Be very clear on your essay layout and what each part is going to do. Run the essays through Microsoft Word and take time to understand the problems it identifies. Hope you can add more essays here!