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Should governments encourage industries and businesses to move outside big cities?
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March 12, 2012
2:26 am
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In some countries governments are encouraging industries and businesses to move to regional areas outside the big cities. Do the advantages of locating businesses outside cities outweigh the disadvantages?


Country leaders intentionally persuade industries and businesses to scatter their manufactures and offices in the outskirts. Although drawbacks may appear in such cases, personally I believe that benefits of moving far from center outweigh the drawbacks.

On one hand, difficulties in moving industries far from big cities can be divided into three main aspects which are financial preparedness, lack of labor and transportation shortage. When it comes to economic issues, governments need a great number of expenditures to move giant existing factories to the outside.

Which is more, lacking skilled workers is also a serious impact. The fact that almost employees are not willing to live in the countryside, where health care is not in high quality and schools are not well-provided for their children, is can be predicted. Transportation is the last but not least issue the government’s concerns in order to bring factories to remote areas. Infrastructures such as roads, railways and trams should be built to connect big cities and industrialized areas. Although in the fast pace’s world nowadays people have been applyinging high technologies into daily transportation, it remains an undoubted disadvantage.

One the other hand, making decision to move factories and business can benefit both nature and human life. Environmental speaking, it is likely that cities where suffered air and noise pollution in the past, would become cleaner and greener in the future. Also, it may lead to the reduction of traffic jam and over population in the center. Not only does it impact on the nature, it also creates more job opportunities in order to establish new areas. Living in deprived areas means building a more sustainable relationship between human and the surroundings. As a result, physical and mental health can increase.

Overall, while many problems may occur when it comes to moving industries and trades toward peripheral areas, we cannot refuse the advantages in which both cities and regional areas receive. Environment is protectable, health is improving, and people enjoy less stressful life. Those are predictable benefits.

March 14, 2012
2:19 pm
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Hello Brian and thanks for this essay.

Introduction

Your introduction is fine. It's not very exciting: you have paraphrased the question (used different words but kept the same meaning). What would make this intro more interesting? Does it tell the reader what is coming in the rest of your essay?

Paragraph 2

This paragraph sounds like it should be part of the introduction. The sentence names three disadvantages. Now the reader expects more information about each, but you mention one in this paragraph (finance) and then in the next paragraph you discuss workers and transport.

What you need to do is organize Paragraphs 2 and 3 into one paragraph. Please have a look at the official IELTS writing descriptors regarding paragraphing under the heading Coherence and Cohesion. Paragraphing needs to be logical and help the reader.

You wrote (150 words - ok; average sentence length: 21 words  -  too high; Passives 28% - too high)

On one hand, difficulties in moving industries far from big cities can be divided into three main aspects which are financial preparedness, lack of labor and transportation shortage. When it comes to economic issues, governments need a great number of expenditures to move giant existing factories to the outside.

Which is more, lacking skilled workers is also a serious impact. The fact that almost employees are not willing to live in the countryside, where health care is not in high quality and schools are not well-provided for their children, is can be predicted. Transportation is the last but not least issue the government’s concerns in order to bring factories to remote areas. Infrastructures such as roads, railways and trams should be built to connect big cities and industrialized areas. Although in the fast pace’s world nowadays people have been applyinging high technologies into daily transportation, it remains an undoubted disadvantage.

Here's a rewrite in one paragraph. Some errors in usage have been fixed and sentences shortened. (Length: 119 words - OK, Average sentence length - 17 words (still high);  Passive sentences 14% (still too high)

Relocating industries far from big cities faces three main problems: the high cost, the lack of labor, and transportation issues. When it comes to economic issues, it would clearly cost a huge amount of money to move existing steel plants, refineries or high-tech industries to rural areas. The lack of skilled workers can also have a serious impact. Many employees are not willing to live in the countryside, with its poorer health care and schools. Transportation is another major concern for the government. Infrastructure such as roads, railways and trams has to be built to connect cities and markets with production facilities. Despite advances in transport technology such as faster trains and cheaper flights, distance remains an undoubted disadvantage.

Your fourth paragraph is much better! It's only 100 words long, and the average sentence length is only 17 (still a little high, but better than 20-something). It's easy to read and makes sense. You've developed most  ideas well.

Conclusion

These sentences need a little work:

Environment is protectable, health is improving, and people enjoy less stressful life. Those are predictable benefits.

We need a verb tense change, and some articles. The sentences could be rewritten as follows

If more industries were relocated to the countryside, the urban environment would be better protected, people's health would improve, and workers would enjoy less stressful lives

Word choice/Word form/Usage

scatter ==> it's not wrong, but it's unusual. Perhaps 'spread' or 'relocate' or 'decentralize' might be more appropriate.

Overall, interesting ideas and some very good sentences. 

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