Hello Ali and welcome to Writefix
Using the analysis and readability tool at http://www.read-able.com/check.php (see “Useful Links,” at the top of this page), we find that your essay is 256 words long, which is fine, but the average sentence length is 23.2 words. The quickest way to improve your writing would be to write shorter sentences. Aim at reaching an average of 12-15 words per sentence. You could
- Divide up long sentences
- Leave out introductory phrases (“it is irrefutable that,” “there is mounting evidence to suggest that,” “It is quite conceivable to assume that”, etc)
- Have only one idea per sentence, instead of using long clauses
- Add some short sentences (5-10) words to bring down the average. Short sentences very effective in topic sentences (sentences at the start of a paragraph)
Introduction and Thesis Sentence
Your introduction could be shorter, and would benefit from a thesis sentence saying what you are going to do in your essay
We live in technology and information era when every and each traditional concept, which has been taken for granted for decades, is encountering dramatic changes. In particular it is irrefutable that the electronic banking has revolutionized fiscal systems. In fact, the introduction of payment and credit cards, money transfer systems via the internet, and ultimately virtual money has reduced the demand for cash to a minimum, However, it has not become completely useless. (73 words, 23 words per sentence)
The first sentence is clear, but could be omitted since it is a bit too general - it's about technology, not cash. You only have 250 words to discuss the topic - it’s better to get straight to the point. Also, with 73 words, your introduction is one quarter of your essay. It would be better to have a shorter intro but more examples in the body of the essay.
This could be rewritten as:
Electronic banking and commerce have revolutionized our financial systems. Does this mean that credit cards, online money transfers or virtual money will soon replace cash? In this essay, I will show that cash continues to be useful for many routine transactions, even if cards and transfers are often more convenient. (50 words, 16 words per sentence)
Shorten Shorten Shorten
This sentence is 49 words long , or one-fifth of your essay. It needs to be broken up and edited ruthlessly
It is quite conceivable to assume that coins and notes will be used for some daily routines such as paying for taxi or bus rides and also buying staple food from stores, where either there is no payment machine available or the required amount of money is rather small.
Here is the same ‘sentence’ with more ideas and examples in 35 words (average 17.5 - still a bit long)
Coins and notes will continue to be used for small transactions such as taxi or bus rides or for buying food. Cash is portable, easily understood, and doesn’t require machines, an internet connection or electricity.
You should aim for three ideas per body paragraph. Paragraph 2 needs more examples. Put them in shorter single sentences:
In the first place, cash is very convenient. It’s ideal for small transactions such as taxi or bus rides or for buying food. In addition, cash is portable and doesn’t require machines, an internet connection or electricity. This makes cash easier to use in places without infrastructure, such as rural areas or simply between people. Cash is also easier to understand and trust. Handing over paper notes and receiving something in return is somehow more meaningful than clicking a button on a bank’s website.
84 words, 14 words per sentence, three ideas (good for small transactions, portable, easy to understand)
- In the first place salience of cash in ordinary exchanges is noteworthy. ==>
- In the first place, cash is very convenient.
- It has completely eliminates the huge costs of printing and maintaining bills, which in turn needs pricely machines and special materials.
- Electronic cash eliminates the cost of printing banknotes.
Your third paragraph begins:
The merits of electronic banking is second point to consider
If you are writing an advantage/disadvantage essay, the phrase "second point to consider" is not correct. We need a negative or a marker to show that you are switching
However, electronic banking has many merits.
Be careful not to join sentences with commas.
Moreover it plays a pivotal role in making financial transfers safer and easier, for instance the amount of stolen or lost money has been declined significantly in recent years.
Just use a full stop:
Moreover, it makes financial transfers safer and easier. For instance, the amount of stolen or lost money has declined significantly in recent years.
Conclusion: Shorten and Simplify
In conclusion, there is mounting evidence to suggest that modern facilities for sending and receiving money has gained prominent position in international economy since they provide trustworthy, reasonably priced, and yet simple procedures to perform transactions. 36 words, one sentence
Here is the same idea in 9 words:
In conclusion, electronic cash is trustworthy, inexpensive, and simple.
This gives you time and words to add more ideas to your paragraph, and to improve the weak final sentence, which is about technology, not about the topic.
In conclusion, electronic cash is trustworthy, inexpensive, and simple. Although coins and notes may be around for a few more years, I believe they will eventually be seen more and more in museums than in our wallets.
37 words, 18.5 per sentence. Hmmm - still a bit long:
In conclusion, electronic cash is trustworthy, inexpensive, and simple. Coins and notes may still have some uses for now, but the days of dirty banknotes are numbered. (27 words, 13.5 words per sentence)
Overall, Ali, please try to write shorter, simpler sentences. Aim for an average of about 12-15 words per sentence in your essay. Have a mix of long and short sentences, but no monster sentences like some of the ones above.
Writing simpler sentences will also make it easier to avoid basic errors: you have six article errors (mostly missing 'a/an/the') and two subject-verb agreement errors.
Say what you want to say, give examples from your experience (as the prompt demands) and don't try to flesh out one or two ideas with difficult words or complex structures. If your writing flows naturally, it will get a much higher mark.