Hi Radha and welcome back!
Using the Word count and readability tool 1, from Read-Able.com, we find that your essy is 231 words (too short for IELTS- try to reach 250 words), and the average sentence length is 14.4, which is very good.
Word Choice and Usage
People of the globe == People OR people worldwide OR people around the world
Avoid Generalizations, Remove fuzzy language
People of the globe has been reaping the harvest of information technology for the past decade to the fullest extent.
Really the sentence doesn't mean much. First of all, it's not true, since billions have little or no access the internet, and only a fraction of people have been using it "to the fullest extent" - whatever that is. And why the last decade? Why did you pick 2002? Was there a change in the availability of the internet or a new format? "Reaping the harvest" sounds nice, but what does it mean? Why not say 'benefitting'? Did they sow the internet and now are in a position to reap?
This is an example of a generalization, and that's not good news in IELTS. See the official descriptors for IELTS Task 2 essays under the heading Task Response and supported or unsupported ideas. The sentence sounds nice, but it's empty.
Here are three less fuzzy alternatives:
- The internet has changed the way millions of people work and live.
- It's hard to believe that the internet started less than 20 years ago, in 1994, In that time, however, it has changed the lives of millions.
- Although many people still do not have access to the Internet, other people's lives have been radically reshaped by it.
Wherever you can Radha, try to eliminate buzz words, unncessary words, empty phrases, redundant phrases
- IT sector = information technology
- 24x7 = around the clock. Don't fall in love with corporate speak - use standard English, unless you are writing for an ad agency
- software industry has branches across the universe ==> software industry has branches worldwide/globally/around the world/in many countries/ NOT in Jupiter, Mars, the planet Zog, or the Zenobian Galaxy, yet.
- companies save plenty of money ==> companies save money
Don't separate subjects ("This arrangement") from their verb ("benefits")
This arrangement, not only benefits the organizations... ==> This arrangement not only benefits the organizations...
Finally, information technology has indeed revolutionized the work culture and the workers which would be advantageous in the future.
The problem is with the word "advantageous." The easiest way to fix it is to remove the phrase:
- Finally, information technology has indeed revolutionized work culture and workers' lives. OR
- Finally, information technology has indeed changed work culture and workers' lives for the better.
Plurals and Word Form
feed backs from ==> feedback (non-count, no plural, one word)
multinational companies allow their employees to work from home during emergency ==> multinational companies allow their employees to work from home during emergencies (plural needed)
These sentences have a lot of repetition:
Secondly,these companies save plenty of money by holding video conferences and taking feed backs from the staff. When they do this,the expenditure for travelling and boarding and lodging could easily be saved.
They could be combined:
Secondly, by holding video conferences and taking feedback from staff, these companies save money on travelling and accommodation.
not only benefits the organizations but also the employees ==>
benefits not only the organizations but also the employees
- verb (benefits) not only (noun) but also (noun) OR
not only benefits the organizations but also saves time for employees
- not only (verb) but also (verb)
The extra working hours is good both for the companies and for the employees.
There are many people who will jump at this. Since you essay is only 230 words long, why not explain why working extra hours is good for anyone? This is an unsupported or undeveloped idea. It doesn't mean it's wrong -= it just means you need to explain or give an example.