Hi Allen and I hope you are still checking the site from time to time.
Thanks Victor for your comments. I hadn’t noticed but you are right - Allen has used the word ‘people’ (14 times) and ‘can’ (11 times). So there’s an opportunity for you to show some vocabulary to the examiner!
I used http://textalyser.net/ to count, not my fingers. I just found it to research Victor's point, but have now added it to the links at the top of the page on the Writefix essay forum.
Your second paragraph is fine, but paragraph three is a little weak. We don’t usually think of police when we think of relationships. You only have two ideas here: the one about police and the repetition of the idea from paragraph two about our friends’s websites and photos. Don’t start to write until you have about SIX ideas, three for each paragraph if you are using a 3773 layout.
In your case, Allen, since as you say you believe that that progress in technology benefits people, you might have been better with a 35553 layout. Here you actually need only THREE ideas, but they have to be good strong ones (not the police one!) and you need a LOT of examples.
Read more about 3773 and 35553 layouts here.
Victor also spotted a couple of other small errors, e.g., ‘numerals’ instead of ‘numerous). He’s right about ‘and so forth:’ try to avoid using ‘and so on’ or ‘etc’ or ‘and so forth.’
Thanks again for the careful intro/para 2 and conclusion, and hope to see more essays here from you. Please let us know how you do in the exam!
Thanks to Victor also for the comments.