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International sport matches and international tensions (1)
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April 13, 2012
1:16 pm
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Popular events like the football World Cup and other international sporting occasions are essential in easing international tensions and releasing patriotic emotions safely. Do you agree or disagree?

 

Today, reporting and covering a sport event by mass medias in a short time is a very routine work. People talk these occasions and analyze the results. Many of people hold a biased view about the matches. As a result critics are talking about the several knock on effects of holding a match in international scale. To me the disadvantages of holding such playing overweigh its’ benefits. Showing a sport match between two countries may contribute to restart some ongoing debates among countries and in some cases would sever the relation between them.

That every sport match included many happenings, conscious and subconscious reactions is a fact.  Many national player’s actions and behaviors during a playing attributed to their country’s aims, believes, thoughts, feelings, and desires. This means that each country’s player is a symbol of that nation’s culture, attitude and religion. Governments are always concerned about player’s misbehavior during international matches due to the fact that any small scornful reaction may inserts additional source of instability into some regions already partially destabilized by political conflicts. In some more critical cases it attributes to some range of blasphemy. The football match between Napoli and AUF in 1991 is good illustration of how a sport event can convert to a disaster. Over a hundred people were killed just because of an aloof reaction of one of the player who neglected religious aspects and moral behavior during the match.

The other important point is that there are always a possibility of beginning of tensions and stresses against a third country. Based on law, the referee for any international competition could be from any country except those want to match. During a basketball match between India and Pakistan, the referee had some effective mistakes which reversed the final result of the match and yielded to the India’s triumph. Two days after the match, the Turkish referee, Mohammad Saeed, was assassinated in street. It was only after this violent attack that the relation between Pakistan and Turkey severed for five years and many political argues and aggravations began at that time.

Based on many irreversible consequences and effects of an international sport occasion, I think holding such matches may political and religious instabilities not only between two relate countries but also among neutral countries.

April 13, 2012
1:32 pm
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writefix
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Hi Amira

Welcome back!

This essay is long, at 380 words, and has a very high number of words per sentence, at 20.3. We need to get both these figures down. You need to shortem sentences, add more short sentences, break up long sentences into two or three shorter ones, and make sure there is usually only one idea per sentence.

Usage/ Word Choice

  • Today, reporting and covering a sport event by mass medias in a short time is a very routine work. → Sport is very popular in the media.
  • People talk these occasions → People enjoy talking about games and matches.
  • Many of people hold a biased view → Many people are biased towards their favourite team or player.
  • As a result critics are talking about the several knock on effects of holding a match in international scale.→ Some international matches can cause problems.
  • The disadvantages… overweigh its’ benefits → outweigh its benefits (no apostrophe). Don't use this phrase.

 Could these sentences be tidied up or shortened? What do they say?

That every sport match included many happenings, conscious and subconscious reactions is a fact.  Many national player’s actions and behaviors during a playing attributed to their country’s aims, believes, thoughts, feelings, and desires. This means that each country’s player is a symbol of that nation’s culture, attitude and religion

Could this be a rewrite?

When playing internationally, players are not just athletes, but are ambassadors for their country.
OR
It may seem strange, but people associate often players with their country.

Here's your intro:

Today, reporting and covering a sport event by mass medias in a short time is a very routine work. People talk these occasions and analyze the results. Many of people hold a biased view about the matches. As a result critics are talking about the several knock on effects of holding a match in international scale. To me the disadvantages of holding such playing overweigh its’ benefits. Showing a sport match between two countries may contribute to restart some ongoing debates among countries and in some cases would sever the relation between them. (93 words, 15.5. average)

Here is one rewrite of your introduction, shortened and edited

Many people are passionate about sport, and love watching their favorite teams on television and discussing the games. But when international teams meet, these passions can lead to problems. This essay will explain why showing some international matches may damage relations between countries. (43 words, 14.3 words per sentence)

Generalizations

Amira, watch out for words like ‘always’ Instead try to use words like ‘may’ ‘might’ ‘could possibly’, or ‘perhaps’ -  words which are not black-and-white, but which allow possibility.

Governments are always concerned about player’s misbehavior during international matches due to the fact that any small scornful reaction may inserts additional source of instability into some regions already partially destabilized by political conflicts. 

Is this really true? Do cabinets and presidents and prime ministers sit around tables and discuss each cricketer’s or football player’s performance? Which governments? Do they really sit back with a big screen and some popcorn and decide whether to have a war because of a penalty or an lbw? Surely governments have more important things to do?

The last part of your sentence is good:

inserts additional source of instability into some regions already partially destabilized by political conflicts.  (34 words)

Let’s rewrite the 34-word monster with a modal (‘can’)

Small events in international matches can add to anger and instability in some regions already suffering political conflict.  (18 words).

The words “Even’ or ‘Seemingly’ might make it stronger. 

Examples

Amira, can you tell us the source of the incident you describe here?

In some more critical cases it attributes to some range of blasphemy. The football match between Napoli and AUF in 1991 is good illustration of how a sport event can convert to a disaster. Over a hundred people were killed just because of an aloof reaction of one of the player who neglected religious aspects and moral behavior during the match.

I’ve searched and searched for this Napoli incident and can’t find it. I’m not a football fan, but I spent over an hour and a half trying to look for background on the example you mention. Unless it’s a well-known incident, an examiner marking something like this in a paper would be extremely puzzled, and little suspicious. In your example, too, even though it is described at length, readers still don’t know what happened or where. What did the player (players? teams) actually do? Is this an international game (the question topic?), or is it off-topic and a poor example? Similarly can you give a source for the India-Pakistan match?

Conclusion

Based on many irreversible consequences and effects of an international sport occasion, I think holding such matches may political and religious instabilities not only between two relate countries but also among neutral countries.

It’s too long, Amira, and too complicated. How could you rewrite it in much more simple language and without generalizations?  In conclusions, write three sentences. Give both sides, give your opinion and perhaps look to the future.

April 13, 2012
1:50 pm
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writefix
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Amira, please don't post more than once.

If you would like someone to comment on your essay, perhaps you could comment on theirs.

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