Hi Alison, Brian, Radha,
A very good essay and some very good queries and comments, thanks!
Coherence and Cohesion - how ideas link to each other
Companies, which are the profit-chaser, are always passing fees to their customers by increasing commodity price. Therefore, merely price rising cannot dramatically decrease the private transportation, and air pollution is still rampant.
what is the relevance of this sentence to the previous one? That is something that is considered COHERENCE.
I agree with him here - it's not quite clear why you mention the 'commodity price' - it's hard to see the relation between the price and the effect on traffic problems. This doesn't mean your idea is wrong - it just needs to be in a different place and explained more fully. 'Coherence and Cohesion' is one of the four headings in the official writing descriptors.
Alison, your introduction has an interesting structure, but it's not quite right. Radha noticed it and added two sides in her good suggestion. Here's some other sentences using your structure:
Serious as the traffic problems is, currently, some people claim the most effective solution is raising the price of petrol.
This structure and similar ones are usually used to give TWO sides of a problem or situation in one sentence.
- Serious though the problem is, few people have taken action.
- Loud though the cries for action have been, few countries have sent ships to tackle piracy.
- Serious though the threat of civil war is, it seems diplomacy has finally started to make a difference.
- Careful as he was, he still managed to make a few errors.
- Although famous for his work on panda breeding, Professor Li also worked successfully with lemurs and pangolins.
So to fix your sentence, it should be something like
Unpopular a course of action though it might be, some people claim the most effective solution would be raising the price of petrol
Alison also wrote:
I personally think it is not comprehensive.
This needs a little more:
I personally think it is not a comprehensive enough solution. OR
I feel this is not a comprehensive enough response to the problem.
(The only way to think is personally - it's an unnecessary word.)
Short sentences: Replace nouns with verbs
To some extend, increasing the price of gasoline price does can attribute to the reduction of consumption on petrol.
Radha found a typo (does/can), but I like the suggestion of a much simpler sentence:
Hiking the petrol price will solve the problem only to some extent.
In Alison's original sentence, there were seven nouns (consumption, petrol, price, gasoline, extent, reduction) and two verbs (attribute, increasing - and increasing is really part of a noun phrase). Radha's sentence has only four nounes and two verbs. It's less weighty and moves more. It's shorter. It's easier to read.
Brian asked if the word order of 'can' and 'we' was correct in Alison's sentence:
Only when multiple means are used can we effectively solve this problem.
Yes, the word order is correct, and very nice too. Here are some more examples:
- Only when everything else has failed should we go to war.
- Only when customers complain do companies respond.
- Only when the court has given a guilty verdict will the victim's family rest.
Nice work, Alison!
Another complicated structure Alison used that needs a minor adjustments:
However, I think the price is not the only factor when people consider driving. The convenience, and whether it is easy to access also affect people’ choice; and that is why the impact of raising price is limited.
This needs some rewording in the first sentence and something a little more parallel in the second sentence (and comma removed):
However, I think (the) price is not the only factor people consider before driving. Convenience and ease of access also affect people’s choice; and that is why the impact of raising the price is limited.
(You could also leave the comma after 'convenience' AND add one after 'access' in your example.)
Yes, as Brian suggests, always try to reduce the number of passive sentences in your writing. Use them in Task 1, if you have a report on a process or a formal complaint, but try to avoid them in Task 2.
Tricky Commas again
As we all know, many people who work for the companies located in the centre of metropolitan, prefer to live in the suburb areas
The subject of the sentence is 'people', and the verb is 'prefer.' Don't separate the subject from its verb -
Many people who work for companies in the city center prefer to live in the suburbs.
(I've shortened the sentence and removed unnecessary words.)
Overall, Alison is a risk-taker and there are some excellent structures here. But the advice from Brian and Radha is very good - simplify, avoid passives, make sure ideas link to each other, and try to give both sides in the intro.