Hello Nisha and welcome to Writefix!

Thanks for this essay. I suspect that 90% of people who answer it would give the opposite view. Did you consider writing the other side?

Sometimes people visiting this forum forget that the essays here are not necessarily the writers’ opinion. Everyone doing IELTS should be able to write an essay in favor of OR against a topic – no matter what the subject. It’s a test of English and  how well you can organize ideas and support them, not a test of your beliefs, culture, or morality.

I really like some of the the arguments you put forward. The cohesion between sentences is generally good, but there area few problems between and within sentences and with usage.

Word Choice/Word Form/Usage

• With world being more competitive people are more focussed on achieving more and more without having enough time for the care of their old parents. →(They are not focused on not having time, if you know what I mean. The best solution is to rewrite:)
  With the world being more competitive, people are more focused on achieving more. But this can mean having less time to take care of old parents.
• I completely agree that older people are taken better care in specialised organization → I completely agree that older people are taken better care of in specialised organization
• Likewise, teenage grand children like to play music in high volume  
  (‘Likewise’ is not correct here -  I think you mean ‘in addition’ or ‘Another point is that’ )→
  Another point is that teenagers like to play music at high volume   (or ‘loud music’)
• There are various reasons which consider nursing care homes as a suitable place for care of older people. → 
  There  are various reasons why nursing care homes are suitable places for the care of older people.   OR
  Nursing homes or retirement homes can be very suitable places for the care of older people.

Articles/Plurals

• With world being more competitive people are more focused → With the world being more competitive, people are more focused on…
• in busier and noisier family environment.→ in busier and noisier family environments.
• being burden to their family → being a burden to their family
• nurses, doctors, speech and language therapists who have a distinctive characteristics such as empathy→ language therapists who have distinctive characteristics such as empathy,

Shorten and Simplify

• In the present context, people have busy time in their work and taking care of their own child. →
  People today are busy working and taking care of their children.

Pronoun Reference

You have a lot of pronoun reference problems in Paragraph 2.

They eventually develop feeling of loneliness and worthlessness as being burden to their own family.

Who does 'they' refer to?  It's not clear from the previous sentence.

You wrote:

In addition to this, some of them come against their religious and spiritual beliefs which again act as an unfavourable place to sustain.

 Again, who does ‘them’ and 'their' refer to? The previous sentence had 'teenagers' as its subject. Be very careful with pronouns.

Clarify

You wrote:

In addition to this, some of them come against their religious and spiritual beliefs which again act as an unfavourable place to sustain.

I’m not sure what you mean. Another sentence is needed, I think, with an example. Here’s one possible rewrite:

• In addition to this, some older people become very religious. A noisy home with many children may an difficult place to practice spiritual exercises       OR
• In addition to this, there may be clashes in the home between older and younger generations over religious or cultural beliefs. Teenagers may not respect the opinions and values of their grandparents, and this can create a difficult atmosphere in the home for both.

Paragraph 3

I like the ideas and support in Paragraph 3.

Conclusion

You have written a one-sentence conclusion. This is too much work for one sentence - it has to summarize both sides, give your opinion, and look to the future. The strain is too much, and at 33 words, the sentence is much too long. Try to keep all sentences below 25 words, and aim for an average of 12-15 words per sentence in the essay.

Have one summarizing one side. Have a second sentence summarizing the other side. Have a third sentence giving your opinion.  You can also look to the future in this final sentence, or have a fourth one. Don’t try to summarize everything in one sentence

 Here’s one possible rewrite:

In conclusion, specialized homes offer expert manpower, new friends, dignity and respect. Or you can stay in your son’s house and be ignored by noisy, ungrateful and disrespectful grandchildren and their exhausted parents. Which would you choose?

OR

Nursing homes can offer specialized care, peace and dignity. It’s not always a good solution to live with your busy children and their noisy grandchildren. Families need to consider the best option for their situation, but the most important thing is that older people get the respect and comfort they deserve