Hi Ngo Duy Quang
Thanks for this essay, and thanks Shieiuan for the comments!
I’m wondering if a different layout might have been better. Instead of 3773, which is good if the topic is for and against or has two sides, a 35553 layout might be more suitable. It’s useful when you have a lot of opinions on one side.
Read more about 3773 and 35553 layouts here.
For example in Paragraph 3 (the second paragraph in the body) you start with “On the other hand.” This is a little confusing for the reader - it’s used to show an opposite idea, not another/a second idea.
I had to read the essay a couple of times to be sure that you were not giving both sides ('yes, literacy is important' in Para 2, 'no it isn’t' in Para 3).
Your thesis sentence also gives the impression that there will be three parts in the essay, but then the reader finds only two paragraphs, so that’s confusing as well.
So just to summarize, if you have a one-sided essay, maybe 35553 is better: a short intro, three really good ideas fully developed with four, five, or six sentences each, and a short conclusion. Twenty or 21 sentences in total.
Word Choice/Word Form/Usage
- the vitality of saving time →the importance of saving time OR the need to save time OR the necessity of saving time
- you might be confused or frantic consequently. → you might be confused or frustrated as a result
- On the other hand, the vitality of saving time requires people to hone skills of reading and writing frequently. →In addition, the need to save time requires people to use their skills of reading and writing frequently.
- In other way, the job qualifies employees to have the reading and writing skills. →In other words, most jobs today require employees to have excellent reading and writing skills.
- Combining these two skills effectively will take many advantages for anyone. →Combining these two skills effectively can benefit anyone.
- To illustrate, a journalist always gather and choose the necessary information →To illustrate, a journalist always gathers and chooses the necessary information
- Reading and writing is the vital factors of effective learning and working. →Reading and writing are vital factors for/in effective learning and working.
- machine can totally modify humans in many aspects → machines can totally modify humans in many aspects
But the sentence needs a complete rewrite, like this:
Computers can do many things better than humans OR computers can replace the need for human workers in many workplaces.
In my opinion, achieving literacy is more important than in the past because of the rapid increasing of information, the vitality of saving time and the requirement in many jobs.
It’s tough to rewrite, but it has to be done. Here’s one possible rewrite:
In my opinion, literacy is more important than in the past because of changes in work and the rapid increase in information.
Not only students but also professor needs to read large number of sources
I am trying to remember a time when I have ever written the phrase ‘not only…but also.’ I think most people avoid it because it’s so easy to get wrong and also because it’s quite complicated. When we do use it, it’s usually with adjectives, not nouns. I’d avoid it if I were you.
Here you also need to fix the missing article and an agreement problem.
Both students and professors need to read a large number of sources. OR Students and teachers both need to....
Internets, newspapers, radios, etc can convey a large amount of information to consumers
Try to avoid using “and so on” or “etc” in your essays. Put “and” or “or” between the last two items in a list
The internet, newspapers, and mobile phones can convey a large amount of information to consumers
Don’t join sentences with commas. Read more about Comma Splices here.
Taking education as an example, students who don’t get used to with writing must spend even several hours writing an essay.
The sentence needs a rewrite:
Education is one example. Students who are not used to writing must spend several hours writing an essay. OR
If students are not used to writing, it can take several hours to write an essay.
In conclusion, we cannot deny the importance of acquiring literacy in everyday life.
It’s too similar to the sentence in your introduction. Try to rephrase it completely.
Avoid making information become a pandemonium.
It’s a very interesting phrase! It's going to jump out at an examiner. By that I mean the more unusual a word you use, the more the examiner is going to want to examine it to see that you use it correctly.
Pandemonium literally means ‘all demons,’ but it’s usually used to mean complete chaos or disorganization. Here it’s not wrong exactly, but it’s not exactly right either.
Overall, consider a different (35553) layout when an essay is one-sided, and watch out for simple agreement errors. They are easy to fix after you write – just check every subject and its verb.
Shieiuan thought there were a lot of points in your third paragraph. I think the problem is that they are all examples of the same idea. The entire paragraph could be written in one sentence:
Teachers, students, and journalists all need to be able to read and write well.
What are some other reasons for needing good literacy skills?
I also agree with her about a 'more assertive' introduction. The sentence about computers is not related clearly enough to the topic. Perhaps something like this:
Imagine not being able to read a newspaper, a notice, a food label, or even a voting form. How different would your life be?
It's a bit flowery, but it might work.