Hi Scarlette and welcome to Writefix!
Thanks for your essay. Using some of the tools at the top of the page (under "Useful Links") we can find the the essay is 227 words long. As Yokama points out this would be too short for IELTS - you would lose a lot of marks here. Write a minimum of 250 in Part 2 if you are doing the exam.
The statistics also show that the average number of words per sentence is very high, at 20.64. You should try to reduce this to between 12-15 words per sentence. You could eliminate unnecessary words, break up long sentences, make sure you have only one idea per sentence, or add some very short sentences to reduce the average. Let's try!
Here's a sentence with 36 words and some very good ideas:
The outcome of a learned ability cannot be compared with inherent skill, since there is more to a skill that cannot be imparted, no matter how good the teacher is and how serious the training is. (36 words, one sentence, average 36 words per sentence)
Here is one possible rewrite:
We cannot compare learned skills with natural ability. There is more to an ability than can be learned, no matter how good the teacher or the training. (27 words, two sentences, average 13.5)
Organization and Ideas
I agree with Yokama that the second paragraph does not contribute much to the question. The ideas are good, but they are a little off-topic. The paragraph describes some advantages of being able to sing or or having other natural talents.
You have a very nice topic sentence for paragraph two:
People with innate talents such as for music and sports are very fortunate.
This is true, and a very nice sentence, but can these talents be learned? Try to keep the focus on the question. Check the descriptors under 'Task Response.'
Here's another long sentence
For instance, a child with a beautiful voice when asked to perform in a small family gathering and is being applauded, it will make the child feel proud and would certainly boost his or her self-esteem. (36 words)
This could be shortened to:
Performing can make children feel proud and boost their self-esteem.
But it’s still off-topic. Let’s bend it slightly:
Learning skills in music or sport can improve children’s self-esteem. Schools can definitely give children basic skills in art, sports or playing instruments, and children can feel proud of their accomplishments. But…
Now it’s a little more on-topic, but still using your ideas.
A very simple layout or organizational pattern might be to have an intro, a paragraph saying "Yes, skills can be learned," a paragraph saying "No, learned skills cannot compare with natural ability" and a conclusion.
Don't forget to add a thesis sentence at the end of the conclusion to tell the reader what you are going to do in the essay. It could be something like this:
In this essay, I will show why I believe that while skills can be developed, natural ability is essential.
A sentence like this would indicate that there are two parts in your essay, e.g., schools can teach music/sports etc, BUT first talent is required.
Cohesive Devices: Transitions or Markers
The Writing Task 2 descriptors for IELTS look for cohesive devices - words that link sentences and ideas. In the third paragraph, Yokama is absolutely right to add the word 'however.'
Parents enroll their child in an educational institution because they have faith and confidence that their child can be taught and learned to acquire these skills with proper teaching and practice. The outcome of a learned ability cannot be compared with inherent skill, since there is more to a skill that cannot be imparted, no matter how good the teacher is and how serious the training is.
Adding the word 'however' shows the contrast between the two ideas in this paragraph, and tells the reader that you have changed your direction. Here's a suggested rewrite with some other small edits.
Parents enroll their children in schools because they have confidence that their child can learn to acquire music or sports with proper teaching and practice. However, we cannot compare these learned skills with natural ability. There is more to an ability than can be learned, no matter how good the teacher or the training.
You have some very good sentences and vocabulary (I like your word 'imparted'!), and I hope you will post some more essays and help some other writers here! Watch out for the word count, and focus relentlessly on the topic!